“Actually, I think Piggles is very brave. It takes courage to admit to fear, even more, to push past the fear and try something you’re afraid of.”
“Piggles hears what you are saying and is still scared.”
“What about for a reward?” he asked. “Would you and Piggles get in the water then?”
“A reward?”
“Yep. If you get into the water past your knees, I’ll give you a reward. Get in past your hips and you’ll get two rewards. They can be Little girl rewards, like a bowl of ice cream, getting to stay up a bit later, or having Wolfe dress up like a princess and sing show tunes. I vote for that last one, by the way. Or they could be some big girl rewards.”
“Like?”
“Like having me lick your pussy until you scream with pleasure,” he suggested.
“Or sex?” she asked before she thought better of it. She whacked her hand against her forehead. What an idiot! Why did she go and ask that?
Gently, he pulled her hand away from her face. “Yeah, baby. Like sex. If you’re ready, that is. There’s no hurry.”
Wasn’t there? Because if kind of felt like her body was on fire and there was no respite in sight.
First, you have to get into the water.
“What does Piggles get?” she asked.
“Hmm. What would Piggles like?”
“He’s a simple pig. Maybe extra chocolate sprinkles on his ice-cream for a month.”
“Done,” Caleb said.
“Will you keep hold of me the entire way, Daddy?”
“I won’t let go unless you tell me to. I promise.”
She let out a breath. “Okie-dokie.” She grabbed her locket. “I should take this off.”
Caleb turned her around and undid the clasp then set it carefully on top of one of the pool chairs. Then he took her hand and led her to the side of the pool. Damn it. What was she doing? Could she do this?
Deep breath in. Slowly out. She used the techniques the therapist had given her to keep herself calm. She thought about relaxing the muscles in each area of her body one by one until they were at the steps of the pool.
Caleb took a step in, then another. She stood there, staring down.
“Jelly bean, just one step. That’s all. One step.”
She could do it. One step. It was ridiculous, she got more of herself into the bath. She could do one step.
She took a step. Let the water slide over her foot. There, that wasn’t so bad. She raised her gaze up to Caleb’s calm face. He looked so confident. So sure that she could do this.
“You won’t let anything happen to me?”
“Never,” he promised. “I’m right here. I’d never let anything happen to you.”
She nodded. And took another step. A big smile broke out on his face. He held out his other hand to her and she took hold.
Three steps. You can do it.
Another step. The water was to her knees by now. It felt nice and cool in the hot, humid climate.
Step four. She was shaking slightly. But she was also feeling empowered.
“My brave, brave girl. Want to do one more or do you want to try sitting?”
Sitting? Could she do that?
“Sit with me?” she asked.
“Always. I’ll always be next to you.”
Slowly, she sat down. She felt the panic start to engulf her. She couldn’t do this. It was too much. All she could see was her mom lying in the water. She clutched Piggles tight, gasping for her air.
“Breathe, baby. Just breathe. I’m here. And I’m not going anywhere. Never again.”
Suddenly, she was in Caleb’s lap. Only her feet were in the water.
“It’s all right, jelly bean. You’re all right. Daddy’s here. I won’t let anything happen to you.”
“Sorry,” she said when she thought the panic attack was under control.
“Hey, no saying sorry.” He cupped the side of her face with his hand. “It’s just one step at a time. I’ll be here beside you for every step. Doesn’t matter how slowly you move, as long as you move forward. That’s all you can do. Just keep moving forward.”
32
A dark blanket felt like it was smothering her.
It had started about an hour earlier. Caleb had done a good job of keeping her busy. From their swimming lesson to him bathing her complete with bath toys and bubbles.
He favored rose-scented bath bubbles. Now she was sitting on the floor in the living room as Wolfe brushed out her hair. They were on countdown to when the funeral would begin.
And her nerves were growing. She hadn’t been able to eat any dinner, which Wolfe was still grumbling about.
“You’re having a protein drink before bed,” he told her. “You barely drank any of that last one.”
She wrinkled her nose at him. Truth was, she wouldn’t mind climbing into bed right now. She was exhausted. She ran her hand over her short, lightweight pajamas. They were brand new and made from a pale blue material with flying pigs all over them.
“And don’t pull that face at me, little girl,” he growled.
Her mouth dropped open. How did he see that?
“He can see your reflection in the television.” Aleki plopped down on the floor next to her as Wolfe started braiding her hair into two big braids.
“Damn it,” she muttered.
“You sure you want to do this?” Aleki asked her, looking concerned.
She nodded, holding Piggles tight. “I have to.”
Aleki studied her for a moment then nodded and turned to his laptop which he had on the coffee table.
“Who do you want sleeping with you tonight?” Wolfe asked her suddenly as Caleb walked in.
“Oh, umm.” They were making her decide now?
“I am,” Caleb announced.
She glanced up then back at Wolfe. He was frowning. “She’s slept with you a lot.”
“Yes, but I owe her a reward for today.”
“What did she do?” Aleki asked, sounding like he was only partially paying attention.
“We started swimming lessons.”
Aleki frowned. “Swimming lessons?”
She took a deep breath as Caleb gave her an encouraging nod. She knew she needed to be open and honest with them. “You know how I told you that I didn’t like swimming? Because of how my mom drowned?”
Aleki nodded.
“Well, it was a bit more than that. I haven’t swum since I was six, after I found her. After that, every time I was forced into any water I would start screaming. Therapy helped me a lot, but I never really learned how to swim.”
Aleki stared at her. Was that a hint of hurt in his face? She never meant to cause him pain.
“I didn’t ask you before, but did your mom not know how to swim?” Caleb asked.
“She was actually a good swimmer. My father told me she’d been drinking that night and must have slipped into the water and wasn’t able to get back out. He would get angry when I tried to talk about her so I stopped asking questions.”
Wolfe grunted. “Do we need a professional swimming instructor? I can find one, have them come here to teach her.”
“Hey,” Caleb said with mock-annoyance. “I was on the swimming team at my school. I won a lot of awards.”