“Fuck you, Nora,” Alice hisses and it’s probably deserved. “Stop acting like you’re better than me. You never grieved her either. You became obsessed with Elliot to avoid having to cope with life, too. Whether you want to admit it or not, that’s partially what this is about.”
“Fine, whatever you say, Alice,” I retort, annoyed and angry with her for thinking she has any idea why I do the things I do. She has never been interested in my life before and I don’t know why she wants to insert herself into it now.
I hear Alice sniffle and cry a few more times before I finally drift off to sleep and as much as I’d like to think Alice is wrong, there is some truth to her words. More than I care to admit out loud. I have been searching for something to ease the pain, something to make me remember what it’s like to feel, but I still haven’t found it and maybe I never will.
There can’t be only one person in the world that can make me remember what it feels like to fall in love, yet I’ve closed myself off to the opportunity of finding this person, allowing only Elliot to consume my heart. Dwelling on that missed chance twelve years ago has quite possibly made me miss all those other opportunities to find love with someone else.
The next morning we awake early and hit the road, this time bound for Astoria with only one stop along the way. It’s a straight shot and the second to last chance to find Elliot on this trip. Two days of awkward silence trapped in the car with Alice since neither of us has acknowledged our argument last night.
It’s at least four hours of utter silence before one of us speaks and all I say is, “I need to stop for gas.”
Alice says nothing, just looks over at me and returns to looking back out the window. Shit, she’s good at this. Alice has always been a champion grudge holder, and her fight with our father can contest to that. Five years is a long time to go without speaking to your family, but Alice managed to hold out.
I pull into the gas station and up to the pump. Turning off the car, I expect Alice to exit with me and while I pump gas I figured she’d head inside, but she stays in the car.
The pump stops and I finish everything off before opening the car door and asking if Alice wants anything from inside. She just shakes her head. The silence is really starting to get to me. And while Alice is a grudge holder, she hates awkward silences and this silence has moved well beyond awkward. I must have really pissed her off with what I said for her to hold out this long, and I begin to feel a little guilty.
I grab a few bottles of water and some candy, setting it all down on the counter, I pay for everything and head back to the car.
Alice is still staring out the window as if I didn’t just climb in next to her. I suck in a long breath and on the exhale I say, “I’m sorry.”
“Sorry for what?” she says, but her tone is harsh.
“I’m sorry I upset you. I’m sorry I judged you and said the things I said. But even more, I’m sorry that I can’t admit you’re right.” I swallow back the tears that are threatening as Alice turns to face me. “A part of me is trying to replace something I lost, but I don’t want to admit that to myself because after this long, we should have both moved past it.” I scrub my hands over my face and let out a long slow breath. “But we haven’t,” I add quietly.
“I’m sorry, too” Alice adds and produces a broken smile. “I shouldn’t be trying to hurt you and I came along to help you, not make this whole thing more difficult.”
“It’s okay. I think we both have issues we need to work through. This trip might be just what we need to fix whatever in our life is broken.”
“Yeah, maybe,” Alice says sullenly. I think she feels like she’s beyond repair, and it’s now up to both of us to change the things that have controlled our past.
I smile at Alice and show her what I bought while I was in the gas station. Holding up a bag of wintergreen Canada mints and a bag of spice drops, a legitimate smile spreads across Alice’s face.
“Funeral parlor candy. Yes!” she yells sarcastically, as she claps her hands. “Fuck, I hope you at least bought something decent.”
“Of course I did,” I answer, showing her a king-sized Kit Kat along with a bag of peanut M&Ms and a package of vanilla Zingers.
Things begin to return to normal and even though neither of us talks about our fucked up life, we know it’s something we need to address. I think deep down, I’ve known this is probably the end for a while now, and it might be nice to have someone to discuss my feelings about it with. It might help to sort it all out through talking to Alice and maybe both of us will find some solace in the fact that we’ve both led a life that isn’t exactly normal.
We roll into Astoria around ten o’clock, check into the hotel and fall immediately asleep. These drives are always exhausting and this trip has been no different. It might even be more exhausting than usual, since Alice and I are both struggling to understand what is happening with our lives.
We’re both too old to be this lost and stupid. If anything, each day that passes lets me know, I need to pull myself together and start a life for myself that doesn’t involve searching for Elliot.
Chapter Six
I’m already certain I’m heading to find someone that isn’t even the right person. After all this time, I just know and today is no exception. He fits the description, has lived in the San Diego area and moved to Oregon around the time that the Elliot I know would have graduated from college. The only problem is he has a job that really doesn’t allow me to find him easily. That’s the part that’s tripping me up. Without actually seeing him, I can’t be certain and there will always be that doubt in the back of my mind if I just let this one go without checking for myself.
He’s a commercial fisherman. Not exactly the type of job you go to college for or is it a job I see Elliot doing, but I can’t let it go.
I explain to Alice what we’ll need to do and she agrees. We decide to head to the shipping docks and see if anyone has seen the man we’re looking for. His name is Elliot McGunn and he works on a ship called the Crabby Queen.
This is right up Alice’s alley: a bunch of dirty seamen, some hot, but some just old and gross. Alice immediately gravitates toward a handsome guy with messy hair and chiseled features. He’s what you would call ruggedly handsome and exactly what Alice goes for.
Alice may be thirty-two years old, but she has the body of a twenty year old. She’s always been stunningly beautiful. Something I imagine has helped her through most of her life. And right now, it’s about to help me locate the latest Elliot prospect.
I stand back and watch Alice work her magic. Sidling up against this guy, who I would guess smells like a dirty fish market, yet she doesn’t seem to notice. She’s giggling and running her hand up and down his flannel-clad arm when she motions with her head for me to join them.
I walk over to where they’re standing on the dock, wondering just what she’s said to this guy, at the same time knowing she’s worked him over well enough that he can’t take his eyes off of her.
“Nora,” Alice purrs and flits her eyes back to the guy she’s standing beside. “This is James Winters and guess what?” she asks, but her voice isn’t her own. It’s high-pitched and sweet sounding.