“So what will you do?” Matt eventually asks.
I let out a hard breath. “I have no fucking idea.”
Chapter Thirty-Six: Nora
One year later…
I told myself I was done. That I wouldn’t return to this beach where we met, but here I am, standing in the exact place, the night air cool and the beach as deserted as it was fourteen years ago. A lot can change in one year. Decisions I made changed my life, some for better, some for worse, but none are a regret.
I still haven’t written the second book. Something about it feels far more personal than it ever felt before, almost like I never thought we’d find each other and writing book one was my closure. It was my end, but not the end for every single person who read my book. I’m grateful for the exposure and what it’s done for my career and I would never begrudge anyone who longs for that second book.
But it was the wedge that pushed itself between Elliot and me, and not only that, it also killed any semblance of creativity or love that I had for that story. It didn’t matter the number of times we discussed it, we were always at an impasse with me feeling like he didn’t support my career and him feeling like I didn’t support our relationship.
I cried.
We cried.
We separated.
I make my way over to the lifeguard tower, stopping at the side of it as I pull the letter out of the back pocket of my jeans. They’re cuffed at the bottom, but the sand still manages to move its way up my legs and I laugh a little, shaking my feet. It’s something I can’t seem to get used to no matter how many trips I take here.
Fourteen years.
But I love this beach and everything it represents. I hold it close and cherish what it gave me. I look to it when I want to remember what love feels like. When life turns bitter, this is where I want to be, but it’s also the place I want to be when everything is good. Something about it feels like home.
When we lost our mom, Alice searched the world for her, for something that made her feel close to what she lost. She lived all over, moving when she grew restless and couldn’t find the solace she sought. I desperately tried to stay, stuck in one place, worried about loss and the risk of losing something more. It took me forever to realize my search for Elliot was my replacement for the search for what I lost.
My mother.
Alice found peace among the grief long before I did and she knew she found it in James. My mother’s death haunted all of us for years and to know that all it took was falling in love to help it fade away is an anomaly I never believed in. I watched it work for Alice, and while what I thought I was doing was falling in love, it honestly was always just a distraction. My search had always been the biggest distraction.
“Can I help you with something?” A tanned, lean lifeguard asks, and I smile as I look up at him. He reminds me of Elliot. The Elliot I met at the party when we were young and had no idea what our lives would become.
He watches me tuck the small piece of paper into one of the slats on the lifeguard tower, his eyes narrowing a little as he takes in my movements.
“No, I’m okay,” I say, but then I stop, my smile widening a little, my heart fluttering a bit. “Did you see anyone else here today? This evening? A guy about my age with…” I don’t finish my thought, shaking my head at my own obsessive need to question. It’s what I did for so long that it still comes as second nature.
“There’s been a ton of people here today. It’s a beach,” the lifeguard says, a joking but also annoyed quality to his tone. “It’s pretty dead now though. They’re setting up for a wedding down at the far end, so that always draws people over there. They’re nosy.” He shrugs casually and begins to walk away.
The conversation ends there and as part of me wonders if he’ll read what’s written on the paper after I leave. It’s the same note Elliot used to leave for me, but instead of his name, it’s my name, my phone number and my address, although this time the address is different.
We all need a change in our lives.
True love doesn't happen right away. It's an ever-growing process, something I learned after far too many ups and downs. It develops after you've suffered together, cried together, laughed together and spent time apart. Once you’ve realized what you always wanted, what you never knew you had, true love is born and makes your life complete.
I always thought Elliot and I would find each other and suddenly our lives would be perfect. We spent so much time searching that there couldn’t possibly be anything that would keep us apart. But I was wrong. It wasn’t so simple. We had lives and families and friends and jobs, and there were people who thought they had an opinion on what our lives should be, and there were even more people who wanted to follow us too closely after reading my book. Being under a microscope is never good for any relationship.
I signed the contract with my publisher to write three more books in addition to a second book about Elliot and me. Luckily for me there was never anything in the contract stating a timeline for when I had to deliver the conclusion to mine and Elliot’s story. Over the last year, I wrote the three books, they’ll all be published over the next few years and despite them dangling a large amount of money in front of me and another contract, I declined.
Write what you love.
It’s ingrained in me, and as much as I love the stability of working for a publisher and having that steady income, it’s not what I want. I’m not writing what I love any longer because I’m pitching ideas and they either take them or leave them. Too many have been left and I’ve longed for the independence I found when I first wrote mine and Elliot’s story.
So I packed up and found myself back in the one place I felt I needed to be.
The beach where I fell in love with Elliot.
I watch from a distance as the crew sets up the chairs, preparing for the wedding and I feel my heart clench in my chest. It tightens painfully and I swallow back the tears I feel form. I’m here because I need a moment to myself, to gather my thoughts, but as I stand here I’m hit with the realization that this place won’t be the end of my thirst. There’s so much more waiting for me.
“I knew I’d find you here,” Alice’s voice says, cutting through my thoughts and bringing me back to the present. “You okay?”
She shuffles through the sand, tossing a towel onto it as she tugs my wrist, pulling me down so I’m sitting next to her.
“Are you okay?” she asks again, looking over at me.
“Yeah, yeah, I’m good,” I tell her, trying to let her know I’m lying. I am struggling. Letting go of this place and everything it represented to me for all these years, is far harder than I thought. I’ve done it so many times, but this time it’s for real.
I don’t need to hold onto my memories of this beach or the memories of Elliot or the memory of us.
“You look like you were crying,” Alice jabs, hitting me with a side eye because she knows I’m lying.
“Obviously I was,” I respond, sniffing a little as I suck back the new tears that have begun to form with my admission.
“Why are you crying?” Alice now asks, sympathy in her words, her hand resting on my back. “This is going to be great. The end of an era, although I’m totally going to miss taking random trips around the country with you.”