“Exclusively.”
The word hung in the air between us.
"So you've got no problem with me being younger than you?"
He smiled widely and licked his lips in an unintentionally seductive way.
"No problem at all."
I felt a flush run up my neck and into my cheeks. It was as if his words were burrowing their way into me. As if they were speaking to some deeper part of me. It made me feel unsure of myself.
"Why—why do you like younger guys?" I stammered.
Right at that moment, the server filled up our wine glasses. I practically dove at mine once it had been refilled.
This whole conversation, this whole evening was turning out to be so much more intimate than I had ever imagined. Funnily enough, it didn't bother me, and by the intent look on Hudson's face, it didn't seem to bother him either.
"As I said, there are many ways in which I'm not conventional. But I have always been attracted to younger guys, and as I've gotten older and more mature, throughout my thirties and now, having turned forty recently, I really enjoy being a Daddy."
A Daddy?
I tried my best not to squirm in my seat, but I must not have done a very good job of it.
"Are you okay?" Hudson asked, narrowing his eyes at me. "Is this conversation making you uncomfortable, Liam?"
I swirled the remaining wine around in my mouth before swallowing it and answering Hudson.
"No, I'm not uncomfortable," I said.
It was true. The topic of conversation wasn't making me uncomfortable. My complete lack of sexual experience, on the other hand, was. But that wasn't Hudson's fault. There was nothing he could do about that.
"It's just that, well, I'm definitely way more inexperienced than you are."
I managed to get the words out, hopefully without sounding like the biggest loser in the world. Hopefully.
"Oh."
Now it was Hudson who was looking uncomfortable.
"Would you like to keep talking? Or maybe we can change the topic and, you know, we can talk about something boring...like the weather."
I looked up to see him grinning from ear to ear.
"Ha, ha. Very funny," I said, grateful the tension had been broken, and very, very keen, to continue with the conversation, no matter how uncomfortable it was proving to be.
I wanted to know what he meant by being unconventional, but I also wanted to find out more about what being a Daddy meant to him.
"So," we both said at the same time, again, and laughed.
"You first, please."
His words were polite, but now I was picking up on a definite Daddy undertone. I tried to quiet my mind, so I could figure out what exactly it was that I wanted to find out from him.
"What does being a Daddy mean to you?" I finally asked.
"That's a really good question," he said, taking a sip of wine. "What I like about it is that it recognizes that there are many different ways to be a Daddy, just as there are many different ways to be a boy.” He looked me straight in the eye. "Before I answer, can I ask you a question? Two, actually, if I may."
I nodded. "Yes, sure.”
"Question one, how much do you know about Daddy/boy relationships?"
"Not a lot," I conceded with a shy smile.
"That's nothing to be embarrassed about," Hudson said tactfully. "I'm just asking so that I can calibrate my answer to wherever you are, I guess."
"Thanks."
"So in that case, you know that there’s not just one way to have a Daddy/boy relationship? There’s at least ninety-nine different ways. Well, way more actually, but ninety-nine sounds catchy, right?"
A small smile escaped my lips. "I do know that.”
“Like any other type of relationship,” Hudson continued, “a Daddy/boy relationship is as unique as the people involved.”
I bit down on my tongue for a moment, mulling his words over in my mind, before I looked up and asked, "You said you had two questions for me?"
"I did, yes."
I couldn't tell whether knowing that Hudson was a Daddy was filtering how I was seeing him, but all of a sudden, every little gesture and movement the man made left me feeling lightheaded...in the best kind of way.
"Question two," he continued. "How honestly would you like me to answer your question?"
I let out a steady breath, and it felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders.
"Total honesty, please," I said. "Or whatever you're comfortable with."
He smiled, but his eyes were glazed over. I could tell he was mulling things over in his head, mentally deciding just how honest, honest really was. How much he really wanted to share with me. It was a lot to ask of him, I knew that. I was very keen to see how he would respond.
"I like to consider myself more of a teacher or a guide than a Daddy in the traditional sense of somebody who wants to control or dominate their boy. I guess one of the biggest differences is that I don’t need to be called a Daddy, and I don’t usually call my partner a boy. I have nothing against using those words, but for me, it’s just not something that...I don’t know, it just doesn’t feel like it’s right for me, you know?”
I nodded my head and smiled, wordlessly willing him to go on.
"For me, sex isn't just a physical thing. It's very much a form of communication. Something sacred and spiritual, but also something very ordinary and everyday.”
I must have looked a little confused, because Hudson stopped for a second to smile as he scanned my face.
“What I mean is, instead of ‘just fucking,’ I tune in to whatever I’m feeling at that moment, whatever is going on for me—and my partner does the same—and then we use that as our starting point.”
“Okay…”
“So, sex goes from being this thing where you go through the motions, step one through step come...”
I smiled and relaxed a little more.
I loved the way he was explaining this. It was the first time I’d ever had a conversation like this in my life, but it was feeling all sorts of right.
“...and instead, it’s this new thing every time. If I’m feeling anxious about something, I might need more tenderness. If I’m angry, I might be rougher and more uncontrollable. Sometimes, I just need to be held, because it feels so damn good to be close to someone.”
“So, it really is something different each time?” I asked as Hudson tilted his head and nodded, looking happy that I was getting what he was saying.
“As a Daddy, I enjoy taking the lead in that process, but sometimes, that’s not what’s needed. Sometimes the boy, based on what he's going through, needs to take charge. And that’s more than okay. Every time I have sex, it’s like a brand-new spiritual and physical adventure.”
He looked at me, his eyes scanning my face up and down, left to right. "Am I freaking you out with any of this?"
I shook my head fast.
"No," I said. "Believe me, no."
I knew a thing or two about freaking people out. You'd be surprised how quickly people moved away from you when you brought up two innocent-sounding words like, say, climate change.
I still didn't fully understand everything Hudson was saying, but it definitely wasn't freaking me out. If anything, it intrigued me. I wanted to know more.