Lou appeared before Xazier had finished speaking. He scanned the area before he turned to Xazier.
“What’s going on here? Did someone call me?” Lou asked.
“Nothing. I thought I heard my name called,” Xazier responded.
Lou looked at us and then back to Xazier. “So you just happened upon them here?”
“Yes. That’s exactly what happened. Same as you, I guess?” Xazier asked, as if leading Lou.
“Yes,” Lou said, as he kept meeting Xazier’s stare, like they were silently plotting with each other.
“Well, since no one called me, I’ll be going,” Xazier said, and then looked to Lou again.
“I will as well,” Lou said.
Xazier’s hand was by his leg, but I couldn’t help but notice him put out three fingers, then two, then one.
They were both gone.
29
Hawk and I were in the upstairs sitting room, the one that sometimes opened to unknown destinations, sometimes his bedroom, and sometimes a random sitting room, as it was now.
I slumped on the couch. He was leaning beside a window that didn’t exist if you looked at the outside of this building. Apparently the laws of physics didn’t apply in Xest.
I’d lost track of how long we’d been in the room, both stuck in our own thoughts, trying to muddle through what had happened, why both Lou and Xazier had shown up. As usual, everything we found out led to more confusion, not answers.
I was the first to break the silence. “How do you think they knew we were there?”
He shook his head. “It wasn’t the lame excuse of being called. Whatever is in that hill, they’re somehow connected to it. We just don’t know how or why.”
“Why didn’t they show up the first time?”
“Maybe because you connected to it a little stronger, on a deeper level this time around. Or maybe not.” He shrugged, still staring out the window.
I dropped my head back, shutting my eyes as I tried to shut out the world. If everything else went away, maybe the truth would show itself instead of overwhelming confusion.
“Did it feel anything like Dread? Any remnant or hint of the same magic?” Hawk asked.
“When I feel Dread, there’s nothing but overwhelming rage and hate. Whatever lies in that hill feels like the complete opposite of that. It…” My voice faded as I recalled the warm feelings it had stirred in me.
He leaned his shoulder on the window frame, waiting for me to finish. “It what?”
“It wants me near it. Like it was calling to something in me, and it felt…” I shook my head. Hawk and I only talked half of the time I saw him. The other half were glares and stares of accusation. Discussing the overwhelming pull I felt from a mound of dirt with him was a huge leap.
He went back to staring out the window. “I don’t think you should meet with Xazier anymore, or Lou for that matter. You said yourself that they want something from you. After they showed up today, I like the situation even less.”
The fight coming could be seen from miles away. It was as if we were unable to be civil for more than ten minutes at a clip.
“I can’t cut them off because they appeared in a field by a hill. I made an agreement,” I said.
His eyes met mine. “You know there’s something wrong. If you don’t trust your instincts, you’ll never survive here.”
My spine straightened. “That subject is closed.”
“I’m not suggesting you leave. After today, I’m convinced it’s too late anyway. There are those that are hard to hide and others that are impossible. You fall into the latter at this point. This die has been cast. What I’m saying is stop being soft or you’ll end up dead.”
Soft? Did he think any part of me wanted to go to those meetings? It was the hardest thing I did. He didn’t need any more ammunition to load the gun that would blow this whole deal sky high. Soft would’ve been agreeing with him and then letting him deal with the fall out. Soft was having someone walk me across the street every day.
“I’m on the hook with Xazier, and whether or not you want to admit it, I saved everyone’s ass. I don’t need to hear how I should toughen up. As to Lou, deal or no deal, if I stop speaking with him, it’ll set off alarms. You can judge me all you want, but we would’ve already lost Xest if I hadn’t done what I’d done.”
“While you may believe that, it doesn’t make it true.”
He turned his attention, or at least his gaze, back to the window, like a man who wasn’t used to having to compromise. According to the deference I saw around Xest, and Oscar’s chat the other day, it was beyond obvious that he didn’t get much pushback.
Oscar was crazy enough to think my unwillingness to bend to Hawk was why we’d be well suited? If he saw Hawk’s locked jaw and bulging veins right now, or my clenched fists, he’d understand how foolish that notion was.
“Tell me one thing and I’ll never give you grief about your need to sacrifice yourself again.” Hawk locked eyes on me.
“What?” As much as I feared where this was going, I couldn’t very well decline now.
“Why do you think you’re worth so little?”
“I don’t—”
“Either answer honestly or don’t answer at all, but let’s skip the bullshit.” He shook his head and looked away.
“Let’s not forget you wanted nothing more than to get rid of me, remember?” He was awfully quick to judge my actions. What about his own?
He pushed off the window and came to stand before me. “I was never trying to get rid of you. I was trying to shield you because I saw your worth. You’re the only one who doesn’t see it.”
I huffed. “That’s right. I forgot. I’m worth so much that you either try to get rid of me or act like I’m the only one who can save Xest.
“Seriously, you and the rest of this place think I can save something when I might end up being the thing you should get rid of. If I didn’t think you weren’t so confused about what I am, I probably wouldn’t tell you. I’d be too afraid you’d kill me, but you’re so intent on keeping your belief that it doesn’t even matter.” As soon as those words left my mouth, I wished there was a way to suck them back in. I didn’t really want to die. Planting the idea that he was better off killing me was perhaps the stupidest thing I’d ever said, and I’d had quite a few stupid moments in my life.
He was still standing over me, silent. Should I run? Had my little speech made him see that light? When I finally looked up, there was definitely realization in his expression, but he didn’t appear to be on the verge of attack.
“You think that’s what’s going on? I’m dug into a position and won’t let go? I’ve already invested too much and have convinced myself, so I’m blind? Because I’ll tell you right now, that’s not the case.” He shook his head and crossed his arms. “Is that why you offered yourself up as collateral? Why you’re so determined to be angry with me? Easier to keep a buffer because one day I’ll figure out that you’re evil?”
I cleared my throat, letting out a forced laugh. “You’re getting a little ahead of yourself with this psychoanalyzing crap. I’m trying to help you out, is all.”