Thoughts rushed through her head. Maybe she should talk to other mums about their experiences. But she wasn’t sure she could be bothered with all the polite chit-chat. It had been bad enough going to the antenatal classes at the local hospital and having to converse with strangers then. Directing her anger towards her own mother, she felt tears of frustration stinging her eyes. If Mary hadn’t been so drunk, then she could have advised her more now. Of course she was going to be a bad mother! This was all her fault!
She took a deep breath and allowed Alec’s words of counsel to fill her mind. ‘You cannot blame anyone for making you feel or act the way you do; you are your own person, you do that all by yourself.’
Little Ned was still kicking with delight in the warm bubbles. As she leaned down to kiss him, he looked right at her, then pulled at her curls. ‘No nursery for you tomorrow, my little one,’ she directed at her son. ‘No. Me, you and Hot Dog are going to see someone who will know all the right things to say.
‘Ah, boo.’ She blew a raspberry into the baby’s chest to a bout of giggles. ‘Ah boo.’ She did the same again to a similar reaction.
Then without warning, a feeling of both love and fear engulfed her with such an intensity, she picked Little Ned up in a huge warm towel and hugged him to her as if she would never let go.
Rosa could hardly hear Josh for the torrential rain hitting the two big skylights that took up the ceiling of their Gull’s Rest kitchen. Once she had fed and settled Little Ned, she had put a jacket potato in the oven, topped up his bath with very hot water and got in it herself. Now, with a full tummy and sitting in her dressing gown in the window-seat, she felt a whole lot better.
Rosa scrolled down to find her husband’s number on WhatsApp.
‘I did try and Skype you before I called but I think the weather may have affected it. You know me and technology.’
Josh laughed. ‘You’re not as bad as you think you are, you know.’
‘It really is crazy weather here,’ Rosa went on. ‘I can’t wait for the rain to stop as I won’t see the full moon otherwise.’ A big swathe of rain smashed against the front window.
‘Wow! I heard that. It’s dry here in the U S of A. Just cold. How are you doing? How’s the little man?’
‘Um. We’re fine.’
‘You don’t sound too sure.’ Josh knew his wife so well.
‘You know, it’s tough. His little gums are sore with his first teeth coming through, so I’m going to have a really early night myself tonight.’
‘Aw, bless him. He’s in bed now though, is he?’
Rosa raised her eyes and snapped, ‘Of course he is. I do know how to look after my son.’
‘Whoa! I wasn’t for one moment saying you didn’t. I miss you both so much.’ And when Rosa sighed, ‘Hey, Rosalar. Are you sure you’re all right?’
She batted the visions of coming home to Little Ned screaming and covered in sick to the back of her mind.
‘Yes, yes, honestly. I’m fine. There’s a new nursery opened up at the church, and he went for the morning today. That gave me a bit of a break, which was nice.’
‘Oh,’ Josh said flatly. ‘You didn’t think to discuss it with me first?’
‘Josh. Not now. I just need a little bit of time to myself. I needed to regain some sanity and I wanted to get the charity accounts up to scratch. Theo goes there, it’s a great little place and the woman who runs it is lovely. Little Ned loves her already.’
‘OK, good. Make sure you put the costs on the monthly spreadsheet though, won’t you?’
Rosa felt annoyed. As if she didn’t have enough to do already. ‘Fine. Actually, I have news other than baby news today.’
‘Go on.’
‘I went and saw Christopher. He’s taken over Bailey’s – you know, the old funeral directors at the top of Main Street.’
‘That’s a surprise. And a nice one for you, I hope.’
‘Yes, Mum just told me this morning. It’s time I spoke to him. He seems really nice.’
‘How do you feel?’
‘More emotional than I expected, to be honest. We didn’t have long; a client came in whose mother had died.’
‘Ah, right.’
‘She carked it while on the job with a young gardener apparently. I know I shouldn’t laugh but it was so hard not to.’
‘Love it. And I think it’s great that your dad is nearer. Maybe you can spend some quality time with him – if you want to, that is – and I bet he would love to meet his grandson.’
‘Yes. I owe them both that. Actually, I’ve just remembered, I also want to ask what you think about something.’
‘Fire away, wifey.’
‘So, the woman who died.’
‘On the job?’ They both laughed.
‘Yes. On the job.’ Rosa giggled. ‘So bloody funny. Anyway. Her name was Celia Carlisle. They’re Londoners but have a second home in Polhampton where she lived most of the time. Well, she was arranging a Christmas concert locally of some kind, even trying to get a celebrity to open it by the sound of it. So, I was thinking maybe I could offer to finish what the poor woman had started. Her son was so stressed about not having time to run with it and of course I’m looking at it as maybe being of advantage to my own endeavours with Ned’s Gift.’
The ever-wise Josh was quiet for a minute. He had seen how his wife was struggling with motherhood at times and knew this kind of challenge would make her happier again. He was also beginning to realise that leaving her and their son for seven weeks was a selfishly long time for her to cope alone with a young baby. Also, how much was he missing by not being with her and their beautiful boy? Babies changed day by day – and he wasn’t there to see any of it.
‘I think it’s a bloody great idea,’ he said, a little sadly, since he wouldn’t be there to help.
‘Really?’
‘Yes. Especially now you have found a good nursery. Just split your time wisely. Don’t take on too much. And keep it local.’
‘Ah yes, good idea.’
‘Maybe you can be Rosa Smith, Charity boss extraordinaire in the mornings and Rosa Smith, best mum in the world in the afternoons.’
Rosa felt herself welling up. ‘Am I a good mum, Josh?’
In a massive surge of love towards his insecure partner, Josh said chokily, ‘The best. And to be honest, as wives go, I kind of hit the jackpot there too.’
Rosa hung up and put her mobile down on the seat, peered through the curtains and looked out into the dark night. The rain was easing slightly but she could see that the tide had brought the sea right up to the sea wall. Suddenly, a bright glistening light was in her eyeline. It moved up and down with the swelling tide. Straining her eyes to see where it was coming from, she thought she could make out the shape of a boat. There it was again – a light, as if it were flashing a warning…and then a static orange glow remained bright in the gloomy mist that had now formed above the black water.
She looked again and saw nothing; the mysterious light had disappeared as quickly as it came. She was so tired; maybe she had imagined it. Or maybe the full moon was playing tricks behind the clouds. If Mary were here, she would be telling her it was the ghosts and ghouls of All Hallows Eve. The lost souls who had been taken by the sea and were coming home to find their loved ones. It was, after all, as her mother had taught her, the night on which the wall that separates the living from the dead was at its thinnest.