He tightened his fingers around the wheel. “Safe. Right.”
She reached out to place her hand on his thigh, and he shot his gaze to hers. “If you believe nothing else I say, believe this: I know you would never intentionally cause me harm. I know that, Justin. The problem is you don’t.”
He faced forward and flexed his granite jaw. “How can you say that after tonight?”
She inhaled sharply. She’d known what was at the root of his sudden about-face but hearing him say it aloud sliced her open. After what she’d witnessed at his parents, she understood his aloneness more acutely than before. He’d exiled himself because he couldn’t stand being party to what he suspected would again turn into an abusive situation.
And now he believed he’d somehow crossed a line himself. Because of her. She’d pushed him too hard, and he’d broken his own rigid moral code where she was concerned. He didn’t see her as just some chick he’d taken home for a good time. She was his “fragile” friend, and he’d physically caused her pain.
That she’d craved it didn’t matter.
She pressed back against the seat. Somehow the motion reinvigorated all the soreness in her bottom, and she cringed. “God, I’m no better than my ex,” she whispered.
He grabbed the hand she’d left on his thigh. “Are you okay?”
“No. I’m so fucking not okay.” She let out a brittle laugh. “You’re sitting there hating yourself because you spanked me when I wanted it. And I’m just now realizing that Rob and I had more in common than I thought. I kept nudging you—”
As if the console weren’t between them, he leaned across the space and enfolded her in his arms. “Dammit, it’s not the same thing at all. Not even close.”
Rather than fill her head with meaningless words, he just rocked them both for what felt like hours. When he finally stilled, she knew they’d reached a point where talking didn’t matter anyway.
He stroked her hair with his steady hand, both calming her and driving her to despair. Every touch told her this was the beginning of their good-bye.
She wasn’t ready to let him go just yet. She’d missed out on so many years with him. Maybe if she’d stuck around the first time, she could’ve helped him avoid the years of heartache he’d clearly endured. There never would’ve been her ex, and she wouldn’t be sitting in the front seat of her oldest friend’s Jeep crying over why she had to walk away from him because she cared about him so damn much.
“Stop,” he soothed, rubbing his thumbs over her damp cheeks. “It’s okay.”
“Not yet it’s not.”
He gave her a wry smile. “No. But it will be.”
She inched closer on her seat, tipping her head against his. His breath wafted over her cheek and cooled the hot tears she couldn’t seem to stop. Even in the freezing air of the Jeep, they burned her skin on contact. “These days were supposed to be fun. A relaxing escape for us both. Didn’t turn out that way, huh?”
“We had our moments.”
Hearing the smile in his voice, she eased back. His soft mouth beckoned her to kiss him, and the curve of his lips somehow lifted her own. “Yes, we did.” She spanned her fingers across his stubbled cheeks and stared into his beautiful eyes. “I couldn’t have gotten through this without you.”
“I doubt that very much.”
“Not leaving Rob,” she added hastily, not wanting him to get the wrong idea. Again. “But the holiday and not having anywhere to go, not knowing where my home will be—”
He kissed her again, as light as a whisper of air passing over her lips. “You can stay with me as long as you need.”
Looking at him was risky, but she couldn’t shut her eyes and deny the truth. She wouldn’t do that anymore. “In the guest room.”
“I think it’s best.” He let out a ragged breath thick with regret as he put some space between them. “For both of us.”
Nodding, she laced her fingers with his and lifted them to her mouth. “I’ll stay tonight, thank you. Tomorrow I’m going back to get my stuff. And then I’m going to figure out a place to live.”
“My offer stands—”
“I know. But this is best too.”
He released another breath and tightened his fingers over hers. “I want to go with you to Rob’s. I’m not demanding. I’m asking,” he said when she started to object. “Not to fight with him or to embarrass you. Just because I’m your friend, and I’d like to help.”
“Despite how things ended between Rob and me, I’m not looking to create drama.”
“I understand that.” He rubbed his thumb over her knuckles. “Let me be your friend. I won’t let you down this time.”
The tears came back full force. “You never let me down. You couldn’t.”
He didn’t reply.
Sighing, she pressed her forehead against his and held his hand to her heart. She wondered if he could feel how fast it was beating. “It would help a lot to have you there with me. Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.” He relaxed against her.
Until she spoke again.
“But there’s something I want too. Before you say yes or no, I’d ask that you hear me out. As your friend,” she added carefully, even as everything inside her railed at the inadequate descriptor of their relationship.
“Go ahead.”
“I think maybe you should consider counseling again.” His fingers went slack in hers, though he didn’t shove her away. “I’m thinking about it too. Before yesterday it never occurred to me that I might need to talk to someone about what happened with Rob. Not even what he asked me to do, but who I became when I was with him. That wasn’t me. Somehow I lost myself, and I want to get the real me back. I’m willing to do whatever it takes.”
“I told you I tried counseling before. It didn’t take.”
“You were a kid. You’re not a child anymore, and the choice isn’t being made for you now. This would be about you walking in the door of your own volition and then walking right back out if it didn’t suit.” She cupped his cheek in her hand. “It would always be your choice.”
“What if it doesn’t work?”
“What if?” she countered quietly. “All you will be out is a little time and money. And you’ll know that you need to find another option. Or another therapist.”
His lips quirked wryly. “Shit, the woman I fucked this afternoon is sending me to therapy. That’s gotta be the biggest knee in the nuts ever.”
Rather than being insulted, she chuckled. “I’m suggesting as your friend, not as the woman you fucked.” If there was a little more inflection on the last word, she couldn’t help it.
“It wasn’t just fucking.” Both his voice and his expression softened. “You know that, Kylie.”
She exhaled an uneven breath. “I do. But it’s nice to hear you say it.”
“I’ll say something else then, just so we’re all clear.”
“By all means.”
He brought her hand to his mouth and gave her fingers a quick kiss. Even in that simple gesture she could feel his nerves, and her own stomach knotted in anticipation of what he would say. “I’m in love with you,” he murmured, his gaze lasering in on hers.