“Did I miss something?” he asks, puzzled. Lauren’s not talking anymore, no more smiling, or laughing. She looks like she’s not even here.
This is what I wanted right?
“You didn’t miss anything. I’m just tired,” she says with a faint smile.
We leave. The car ride is quiet and awkward, even Aidan can’t lighten the mood. When we pull in front of my house she smiles at Aidan.
“Thanks for everything tonight. I had fun,” she says, attempting to appear cheerful. It looks like she’s on the verge of tears but none appear.
She’s strong.
You’re so fucking weak.
“No problem,” Aidan says. She doesn’t even glance at me.
“Here are the keys, Lauren,” I say to her. She’s in the backseat of her own car. I’m begging her to look at me, to let me know that she’s okay, that we’ll be okay. Whatever it is that we are.
But she doesn’t look at me. She hasn’t since that moment at the restaurant. She grabs the keys from my hand, keeping her eyes downcast, and quickly gets out of the car. When she's in the house, Aidan looks at me with an angry glare.
“What the fuck did you do to her?”
“I don’t know,” I mutter. That’s a lie.
I think I just broke her.
Chapter 44
Lauren
I’ve never been more embarrassed in my entire life. I thought I was reading him right, but that was obviously wrong. I thought he just needed the right push, for me to give him the right sign. I feel so stupid, desperate, and completely confused. The entire night at the skating rink, he watched me. I saw him not just glancing, but full-on staring at Aidan and me.
I thought he was jealous. When he ended up riding with me and Aidan instead of Jenna, I thought it was a sign to take my chance. It was so nerve-wracking at the diner. Aidan was great, telling jokes and old stories about him and Chris. He turned out to not be a total horn dog jerk like I first thought. I was flattered with all the attention he gave me and a little surprised that he ignored Chris’s scowl. While I watched Aiden laugh and joke and have a great time, Chris sat there angry, brooding, and irritated…I thought he was, but I was completely wrong. When Aidan left the table, I couldn’t just sit there anymore. He was slouched in his seat, frowning, his hair messy but incredibly sexy, his green eyes a little darker than I’d seen. I try not to look at Chris. I’ve been trying not to look at him in that way, but he’s so freakin’ handsome, and he was once mine. I couldn’t help it. I tried to stop myself, but I couldn’t, and for a moment, I thought he wouldn’t stop himself either.
I believed he just needed a push. It took everything in me to sit next to him and not climb on top of him, right there in the restaurant. But I didn’t. I did everything I could to get him to kiss me. Maybe I did everything wrong, or everything right, it doesn’t matter. He just didn’t want to.
I thought he was giving me signs but maybe I’m imagining all of this Maybe I just saw what I so desperately wanted to see. I’m losing my mind. Now I’m too embarrassed to even look at him. I barely want to look myself in the mirror. He just confirmed he doesn’t want me. I was strictly Cal’s. Chris just doesn’t see me that way and it hurts so much more than I thought it would. I only have two weeks left. That’s all I have to get through. I felt a piece of me breaking last night and I can’t let that happen. I can’t go through what I did with Cal for two years. Not again. I’m a mom now. If Cal didn’t break me, I can’t let Chris do it.
I think it’s time to let go. The most important thing is for Caylen to have a family as normal as this dysfunctional unit can be. There won’t be any more complications on my end. I won’t let there be. If Chris wants to be confused, he can do that on his own. Or maybe he isn’t confused. Maybe I’m just not what he wants and he doesn’t want to hurt my feelings. Whatever it is, it doesn’t matter now.
I’m letting go of Chris and Cal, along with whoever else is in there.
Chris
Things are great.
Caylen’s taken to my family like we’ve been around forever. My dad and I are back on good terms. The anger and bitterness that came over me whenever I looked at him is gone, and the most surprising thing is that Jenna and I are on good terms too. No more angry glares or condescending comments. I can touch her without her jerking away from me and we’ve been able to spend time together without fighting. The constant tug of war going on inside me is over. Whatever was happening, the outbursts that came without me being able to stop them are gone. The mood swings haven’t come back and I feel like myself again. Everything is great, I should be elated. I should be happy.
But.
I’m not.
Lauren’s changed. Things have changed between us. Ever since that stupid night at the diner, nothing has been the same. I shouldn’t want them to be different. We’re cordial and that’s all I should want, but I want more. It’s not like things are bad between us. When I see her in the morning, she speaks to me. At dinner, she’s nice to me like she is to everyone else. When I take Caylen from her to give her a break, she manages to smile, but it seems forced. She’s different, almost like a shell of herself.
Our cooking lessons have stopped. The first night I knocked on her door after the diner, she said she was tired and we’d postpone. The second night I knocked on her door, she said she didn’t feel well. The third night, she answered the door and avoided my eyes. She avoided looking at me altogether. She barely glances at me now. She said she talked to my mom about giving her lessons so she won’t be a bother to me.
She’s never been a bother. I wanted to teach her because I wanted to spend time with her, to get to know her, and for her to get to know me. It seemed like a lost cause to argue, and how can I argue? I know why she’s pulled back. I just hate that it seems so easy for her to do it. It hasn’t been easy at all for me. I understand that it’s what she needs to do. I made it clear there’s a line that's not to be crossed, and she obviously won’t even come near it now. It’s selfish of me to want to walk the line, but I can’t help it. I look for excuses to be around her, but it doesn’t last long. She usually finds a reason to leave the room shortly after I enter. I’m jealous of the time she spends with my mom, where she genuinely smiles and looks like the weight of the world isn’t on her shoulders. She’s different with everyone else.
I should leave things how they are but I feel off-balance, like something is missing. I finally scheduled an appointment with the doctor Aidan’s friend sees. She’s booked out for the next month but I’m on the waiting list if she has a cancelation. Too bad the doctor’s all the way in Chicago. If something does open up, it’s not going to be easy to get there. Jenna’s glad I made an appointment. I haven’t told Lauren about it. I’m pretty sure she’s washed her hands of me, but I know it was something she wanted me to do.
I know it’s something I need to do because I really need someone to tell me why I steal glances at a girl I haven’t known long. Why these feelings are here and when they will go away. Why, deep down, I don’t think I want them to go away. I haven’t had any more memories this past week. My dad might have been right. Lauren could possibly be a trigger, the reason Cal shows me glimpses of my other life. It was weird and scary but I’d never felt better.