“He put it out. But don’t worry, I’ll start it again.” I hear him but his words seem far away. I’m far away, like I’m floating. I just want to sleep but I still feel him. I’m helpless and, as he finishes, his arms wrap around me pulling me back as close to him as possible. I feel like I’ve been both punished and rewarded. I glance back at him, my eyes barely able to stay open. His expression tells me that it was both. I can’t even speak. All I want now is to sleep.
Chapter 3
Lauren
Unraveling. If I had to describe the state that I’m in, that would be it. I’m coming apart. He made me come apart again and again until I fell into pieces. Pieces he broke me into and threw into the deep-end of what’s now my life, and I’m drowning.
How did I get here? How did I end up in the most complicated relationship I could have ever imagined? I think back to all of those days when I wondered where he was, who he was with, and if he was cheating. Was he involved in some type of organized crime? I even entertained the idea that maybe he was doing covert missions for the CIA. I was so far off but, as crazy as all those explanations were, any of those things would have been easier to handle.
Now he’s right here next to me and it gives me comfort but it also makes my heart skip a beat. This should be a turning point, but in what direction I don’t know. Where is Chris? I don’t even know if Cal is the one next to me at this point. The last time we had sex, he switched just like that. My life as easy to flip as a light switch.
When I first saw Cal, I couldn’t help but wonder if Chris really was who I slept with or if it was some strange type of mind game Cal was playing. Would Chris sleep with me? If he’s still with Jenna, I can’t see him doing that. I don’t think that’s who he is. But who is Cal? Who is Chris? They’re one in the same but so different. Chris is lost but I don’t think that Cal is. Of the two, I think he knows exactly what’s going on. He always has and it’s time for answers. If he thought that little display yesterday would shut me up, he has another thing coming. He’s been gone for two years. I felt his loss each of those days and now I need answers, not just for me but for Caylen and for his family.
Last night, it was like he was making up for lost time—two years of us not being together, him not having my body—and yesterday, it felt like he claimed me. He owned me. He had to prove that I was his, to prove that he knew me better and in ways that Chris doesn’t. The thing is, after all the time I’ve known him and the little time I’ve known Chris, I know more about Chris than Cal, and that knowledge alone makes me want to throw up. I’m still hurt that he didn’t tell me the truth and disgusted we’ve fallen right back into our routine—the temporary fix of sex—and I can’t let this happen again. He said I lost my fire with Chris, the spark in me gone. Well if my spark means being a screaming lunatic, no I wasn’t that way with Chris. It was nice, even if it made me feel as if I were walking on egg shells most of the time. I felt like I had to be careful with Chris. He was vulnerable, almost fragile, but what would happen once Chris is broken? Would a broken Chris be Cal? Did I break Chris?
“You have an hour to get dressed or I’m leaving you,” he says, his voice and tone distinctive and completely different from the voice I’ve been hearing for the past few weeks. One that was almost forgotten but is etching itself in my memory again, vibrating through me.
I try to think of how the old Lauren would respond and compare it to the Lauren I’ve been the past few weeks. I can't help wondering…who am I now? The Lauren of yesterday is gone, obliterated. He fucked the complete life out of her. I try to find the words of who I should be, but I’m at a complete loss. Nothing I can think of seems adequate so I stay perfectly still and quiet. That’s not something I’ve ever done before. I turn to see him disappear into the bathroom, bare as an egg, body of a god, and with the attitude of a spoiled six year old.
He’s still upset. But from what I’ve learned about Chris in the weeks I’ve been getting to know him is that Chris forgives easily and I know from past experiences that Cal holds grudges like a hoarder. I get up from the bed and try to think. What we did last night wasn’t making love. It was the opposite and I don’t know how to feel about that.
I don’t know what to do but I have to tell his parents. I can’t avoid them because they have Caylen and I can’t tell Cal. I’ve never been so confused in my life. My eyes make a sweep of the room in a frantic search for my clothes. Of course my clothes aren’t in here. They’re somewhere on the first floor of the suite. I grab the sheet, wrap it around myself, and head downstairs. My clothes are strewn all across the room. I grab each piece from where it lay scattered all over the place and put them on. Out of the corner of my eye, I spot my phone, the alert light blinking, beckoning me. I’m afraid to see how many messages are on it. I take a deep breath and see that I have 18 missed calls and 12 voice messages. I scroll through and see the numbers from Gwen, Lisa, and Helen.
Shit.
I don’t know what to tell these people. I don’t expect Cal to tell them anything. I scroll through the numbers and dial Helen’s. It goes to voice mail. I call Lisa’s. I can’t call Mrs. Scott. I can’t tell her any of this over the phone. I glance back towards the room.
I don’t know why I feel like I have to sneak and do this. Should I do this? Ugh! I’m not going to drive myself crazy about this. It’s time to cut the bullshit. I head back up stairs and into the bedroom. I hear the shower running.
“I’ve been thinking of whether I should call your parents or not,” I say loud enough for him to hear me over the water. He doesn’t say anything.
“They have Caylen. I’m going to have to tell them something. I was going to call and tell them without speaking with you but I’m trying to start something new. I want nothing but open and honest communication between us. So can you let me know your thoughts on that?” I say in almost one breath. He steps out the shower and I force my eyes to stay on his face and go nowhere else but the wall between us is back up again. His eyes are on me and I can’t read him. His stare is blank but he steps towards me, completely naked with a sly smirk stretched across his face. My breath hitches as he reaches behind me to grab a towel and wipes his face before wrapping it around his waist.
“Are you going to say anything?” I ask him, feeling my stoic façade begin to crumble beneath me. He bites his lips trying to suppress the smile I see peeking through. He likes me upset. How could I forget?
“Fine,” I say, pulling out my phone. “I’ll give them a call.” Before I can even get my thumb to touch a button, he’s snatches it from my hand. I expect him leave the room or to even flush it down the toilet but he doesn’t. He hits a few keys and the phone starts to ring on speaker.
“Lauren, where the hell are you and why haven’t you been answering our calls?”
It’s Mr. Scott, and my eyes widen.
“Who the fuck do you think you’re talking to?” Cal’s voice sends a chill through my spine. There’s a stunned silence on the other end. Mr. Scott is obviously at a loss for words.