“So you can choose whenever you come back?” I ask him with bated breath. My stomach coils. If he says he can, I don’t know if I can handle that information because knowing that he could have come back at any time and didn’t, will hurt more than anything he’s said to me.
“No. If it worked liked that, Chris would have been gone. Like I said, it’s like dreaming almost. Sometimes you can control what happens and other times you’re just stuck watching. It used to be easier to keep him from taking control, now it’s harder” he stands up and walks across the room.
“Where is he now? Why does he not remember things but you do?” I ask him.
“Can that be enough for now? Just for tonight?” he asks me, looking into my eyes and I nod. I don’t know exactly why we’re here, or the fact that a simple piece of information pacifies me but I feel like what he’s just told me isn’t so simple. The reason why we’re here isn’t just a coincidence.
“One more question?” I ask him and he lets out an exasperated huff but nods. “Do you really not trust me anymore?” I ask, afraid to hear the answer but it’s something that I need to hear. Is loving the other side of him disloyal? I always wanted him to be able to count on me, to let me in, to be there for him. If he doesn’t trust me, if what happened between Chris and me makes that impossible, how can we ever move forward?
“I trust you more than I trust myself,” he says before lying down next to me. The space between us feels foreign. I don’t cross it but slowly he does, pulling me closer to him, skin to skin. His touches start slow and my body melts, tension everywhere but disappears as his caresses become firmer, deeper.
His hands move everywhere and find places that haven’t been touched like this in so long. It’s so different from last night when I could feel his passion, anger and frustration course through me. This time he doesn’t claim me but shows me in every way that I’m his. That he knows my body like no one else. I want to give in and break my rule, I’m so close to it…
“I’m so sorry babe. I never meant to hurt you. I thought I was doing what was right,” He whispers in my ear and he holds me close and long, I breathe him in and imprint his touch on my memory. I close my eyes, sleep catching up with me.
“I’ll never hurt you again. Even if I have to give you up.”
Chapter 6
April 31, 2008
It was close, too close. I tried so fucking hard to not want her. I almost had her, right there, devoured her. She wouldn’t have even known what was coming. I can’t get her lips out of my mind, how she moaned in my ear, how everywhere I touched her caused her to react, I can’t imagine what she’d be like to fu…
No I can’t. She’s not the type that would get over it. I can’t see her moving forward with no strings attached.
Sex won’t be just sex.
When I saw that prick’s name on her cellphone, I wanted to go break his fucking neck. Me, jealous? One date and I’m jealous? No, jealous isn’t the word, he isn’t even competition. I feel possessive. I don’t want him anywhere near her.
He hurt her but what the hell am I going to do? Why couldn’t she be easy like the rest? But if she was, I wouldn’t be interested in her. She’s different and that’s why I like her, why I want her. I haven’t liked a girl in a long time. I’ve tolerated them, been comfortable around them, but I like this girl. The way she smiles, the way she talks, and how she listens. The way she looks at me, like she sees something that I don’t see, that’s what bugs me. She sees something that isn’t real, that will never be, that’s not who I am.
I should quit while I’m ahead. She’s one of the good ones. She’ll make someone a good wife one day. Maybe one day she’ll meet a normal guy with normal expectations, who’s not fucked-up. She’s the type that wants that life so why waste time? If only she just wanted fun. I could give her fun. I could give her amazing. I could make her forget about anyone that she thought made her feel anything. I’d do things to her…that I’m never going to do because it’ll make things worse!
She puts on a tough act, and she’s feisty, but I can see beyond it. She hasn’t been broken yet and I don’t want to be the one to do it.
“Never on time, are we?”
It’s Helen.
I thought I’d beat her here. I’m never on time anyway.
“I’d hate to surprise you,” I say with a wink before flopping on the leather couch in her office. She rolls her eyes. She’d better not be in a pissed off mood today.
Helen Lyce-Crestfield.
Smart, beautiful, and manipulative. The woman who was able to land one of the richest men in the country. I guess it makes perfect sense that she’d be my doctor. Her looks held my attention but her intellect caught me off guard. She liked to manipulate and I liked to play. We were a patient-doctor match made in heaven. Somewhere along the way she became one of the few people I don’t just tolerate but like being around.
“So anything you want to talk about? Problems with the medication? Anything new I should be informed off?” she asks off handily.
“Nope same-o, same-o,” I say with a shrug.
“Then that’ll make this easy,” she says, finally sitting behind her desk. “Did you fill out the med card I gave you?”
“Do I ever?” I ask, playing with the stress ball I picked up from her desk.
“Of course,” she says, irritated.
“If I start having hallucinations, vomiting or some shit, I will be sure to call you right then and there,” I tell her sarcastically.
“So. How was your date?”
I sigh. Dexter and his big fucking mouth. “It wasn’t exactly like a date,” I tell her dryly.
“Then what was it like?” I swear she and Dex are a match made in heaven.
“I met a girl. She’s hot. We went bungee-jumping, had something to eat, and that was that,” I say, bored. “Can we cut this a little short today? I have something to do,” I say, standing.
“Cal, let’s not do this. You need me to sign off for the okay to meet with the Luxe brothers. There can be a lot of money in a deal like that for you,” I sigh and fall back onto the sofa.
“Come on, Helen. It’s nothing,” I tell her but I can already see those wheels spinning in her head.
“You have never been shy about sharing your liaisons with women before, which makes this all the more interesting,” she says.
I roll my eyes. When I first met Helen I wasn’t sure what to think of her so I did to her what I did to most beautiful woman. I tried to seduce her. In one of my ploys, I gave her every detail of my nights with whomever I took home. When that didn’t work, I thought it’d scared her off. In my defense, that was before I decided I liked Helen. She’s one of the only women I haven’t been able to screw.
“I haven’t done that in a long time,” I say, laughing, remembering how young and dumb I was.
“You made me sit through that for hours at a time. Not that Dexter didn’t thank you for it,” she teases and I make a vomiting expression. Now I can’t see Helen as anything but a sister and thinking of her and Dex having sex is disgusting, especially if I had any part in helping them get going.