“Okay Christopher, before we begin, I want to show you something.” She picks up the remote and turns on the flat-screen TV on her wall.
“Are we watching another testimonial?” At first, it was interesting watching videos of other people with DID share what their experience has been like. The hardest part was listening to how their family members cope with it. Seeing the sacrifices everyone has to make makes me feel guilty.
“Not today,” she says, and I look up and see myself on the screen.
“Are we on?” The moment I hear the voice I know it’s not me. It’s him. He lets out a deep sigh and leans over his knees.
“It’s me. The guy you think made your life a living hell, right?” He laughs. “Well if you think that, you’re fucking delusional. Without me, Caylen and Lauren wouldn’t be in your life. You’d probably be married to that stuck-up bitch Jenna.”
“Cal, come on. You said you’d be nice.” I hear Helen’s voice in the background. He rolls his eyes and huffs.
“Okay, let me get straight to the point. I want to do right by Lauren. I left her once because I thought I was doing the right thing. I wanted her to have someone better than me,” he says solemnly.
“Well not better—because let’s be honest it doesn’t get any better than this—but more responsible, reliable. Someone who didn’t have the shitload of baggage we do.” He shrugs. “I never wanted Lauren to know you. It always seemed like everything in life came so easy for you. I thought you’d be easier for her to love than me,” he continues. It’s so strange to watch a recording of myself and not recognize my voice or remember saying the words, but to see it, to watch it myself really hits me and makes it all so real.
“I’ve been trying to fix things for her. Make things right, and give her everything she deserves. She doesn’t deserve us fighting against each other. Telling her to pick and choose all the time. Confusing the hell out of Caylen when she gets older. You are the responsible one. The selfless one. You could be a good dad. But God, sometimes you’re a fucking pussy, man,” he says with a groan.
He’s such an asshole.
“I mean you are, and I can’t leave my girls with someone who acts like a pussy. I want to give her something she always wanted. I sure as hell can’t do it by myself. But maybe both of us together. We can give her the Prince Charming she deserves,” he says. “Helen and I have been talking, and I’m starting to think maybe this integration thing won’t suck ass completely. So what do you say, Chris? You in or you going to pussy out?” he asks cockily.
I don’t care what he says, I’m not a pussy. The video goes blank and my eyes dart to Helen. She’s quiet, obviously waiting for me to respond.
“When did you take that video?” I ask her, trying to suppress the anger I feel coursing through me. She must be reading me correctly because her eyes dart away from mine, as if the second away suppresses any guilt she has.
“It was one of your first sessions…” I shake my head as realization comes over me and I shake my head in disbelief.
“I remember that day! It was when I felt like I blanked out and lost time and you lied to me.”
“I didn’t lie to you, Chris. I just didn’t inform you of what happened because I wasn’t sure what to make of it and I had to honor his request.”
“Honor his request? What about me, Helen? What about my requests?”
“I understand why you would feel upset, but you’re missing the bigger picture, Christopher. He’s offering you an olive branch,” she explains as if it’s the most normal thing in the world. I cover my face with my hands.
“And what—I’m just supposed to accept with open arms? Now he’s ready to play nice and I just go along with it because that’s what I’m supposed to do? I just go along with the program because it’s not like I have a choice right? What about my choice, Helen?” By the time I finish my sentence, I realize my voice has gotten louder than I wanted it to, but Helen hasn’t even flinched.
“You always have a choice, Chris. You don’t have to make a decision right now. No one can make you do anything…” she continues but then she leans forward in her seat and her eyes narrow on mine, studying me.
“And why now? What’s changed so much all of a sudden that he’s become a team player and not a selfish asshole?” I ask through a laugh.
“I don’t know,” she says evenly, and I can’t help but wonder what use has she been to me. Yeah, she’s taught me more about my condition than I knew previously but anyone could have done that. I still feel like I’m back to square one.
“I don’t think this is working,” I tell her with my mind made up. I stand up from my seat.
“I can help you talk to him.” Our eyes meet and I try to read her eyes.
“Why now?”
“Because he’s obviously susceptible to it. You can ask him all that I don’t have the answers for.”
I look toward the door and back at Helen. I imagine how satisfying it’d be to just walk out and leave her sitting here. It’s what I want to do, but I know it’s not helping anyone—not myself or my family. I glance over at the screen that my face is frozen on. His face… it all blurs together. We’ve talked about co-consciousness in our sessions, communicating with them… it all seemed impossible at the time—surreal even—but the air in here is different now. The way my heart has begun to race and my muscles have tensed makes this all different. In the tape he’s how I imagined him to be—smug and arrogant.
“Can you play it again?” I watch him, his mannerisms, and it hits me hard that this guy is really me. I’m on that TV, but it’s not me. Is this how it is for Lauren? Because I’m confused, and my emotions are all over the place. I ask her to play it again, trying to get used to the fact that it’s me. Hearing his message has an eeriness to it times ten. But there is something that I recognize in both of us—in our eyes and our expressions—everything changes when we talk about Lauren.
“What would I have to do?” I ask her keeping my eyes on the screen. She turns off the video.
“Hypnosis therapy.”
“Ha.” I clasp my hands together and slouch back in my seat. The thought of Helen playing in my mind doesn’t give me any comfort.
“Contrary to what many believe, hypnosis doesn’t allow me to control you or learn all of your secrets. It’s a state of focused concentration. My only role is to be your guide.” I wipe my hand across my face. At this point I can’t think of anything I have to lose.
“Okay,” I nod. A glimmer of a smile shows on her face as she approves of my response.
“I want you to relax, Chris.” We’ve moved to a different office, and Helen is not behind her desk but in an upholstered chair across from me. The lights are dim, and there’s some type of candle burning.
“I am,” I try and assure her but my heart is beating fast and my body feels stiff.
“I’d like you to take a deep breath for three counts and then push out the air for five.” I do as she says and after about the fifth time, my heart rate starts to slow down.