“Oh my God.” A smile creeps across my face. “Cal, I can’t believe you. Where are you?” I stop when he picks me up from behind. “How did you do all this?” I giggle when he puts me down.
“Well, technically, I didn’t do it—but it was my idea.”
“How did you know I wouldn’t wake up?”
“Well, I made sure you were pretty tired earlier, didn’t I?” He smiles suggestively, pulling me against him.
I push him away playfully. “This is beautiful, really. It’s my graduation present?” He’s been hinting at having a big surprise for me, and it’d be like him to give it to me a month early so I’d be truly surprised.
“Do you remember the first night I danced with you?” he asks, pulling me back in his arms.
“Yeah, I remember what that led to.” I giggle as I wrap my arms around his neck, and we sway to the music.
He looks into my eyes. “I told you I’d give you everything.”
“You were trying to get me into bed,” I remind him with a sly grin.
“That’s beside the point.”
“That night, it was exactly your point.”
His wide smile softens. “I’ve been with a lot of women.”
I arch my brow, a little apprehensive about hearing the rest of this speech—it’s not getting off to a good start. But I say nothing and let him continue.
“I looked straight through them, and they never noticed or didn’t seem to care. When I first saw you, I couldn’t do that; you wouldn’t let me. It caught me by surprise. Everything about you caught me by surprise.”
His hand slips beneath his shirt that I’m wearing and up my back. We stop dancing as his fingers trace their infamous pattern on my skin. His touch gives me chills, making me bite my lip. His fingers leave their spot, and he takes my hand, gripping one of my fingers, and he brings it to my back again. He then makes the same pattern he’s done so many times. This time I recognize it, and my heart flutters. It isn’t just a random pattern or symbol; it’s his name.
“I want something more permanent than tracing my name on your back.” He steps back, looking into my eyes.
“I’m not getting your name tattooed on me,” I joke, wrapping my arms around his neck.
He chuckles and shakes his head. “Well, ink fades anyway.”
He winks before he licks his lips and shows me his boyish grin. He reaches into his pocket with one hand. The other one glides down my arm, and he takes my hand.
“You know I’ve never lived by a plan. I’ve always decided to do what I wanted, and no one else really mattered. Since I met you, that’s changed. I never thought I’d feel for someone the way I do about you.”
My heart speeds up, and my mouth suddenly becomes dry. I look up at him, tears filling my eyes. He pulls his hand out of his pocket and opens it to reveal a yellow diamond ring. My jaw hits the floor.
“I tried to talk myself out of doing this more times than you’d believe. And that’s just today. I know you’re graduating next month and moving on to a different phase of your life.” He takes the ring and slides it on my finger. The ring is a perfect fit. “I don’t want to be a part of your past. I want to be the only person to touch you in ways that give you chills, to whisper things that make you turn red. I know there are a lot of things that you want to know about me that I haven’t been exactly open with you about. But know that I love you; I’ve been in love with you longer than I’ve admitted to myself.”
My tongue is completely stuck to the roof of my mouth. I can’t even open it to say anything.
“You always tell me I need to work on asking for things.” He gets down on one knee. His eyes are bright and his expression soft. I’m trembling, and he takes my waist and pulls me onto his bended knee. “I want you to—I mean… will you marry me?”
He’s in front of me, the ring is on my finger, and this still doesn’t seem real. I never would have guessed this would happen now. I can’t even say anything. Open your mouth! I want to say yes. I want to jump into his arms and tell him yes a million times, but something’s stopping me. It’s not me; it’s him. Is he ready? There are so many reasons this might not work. I get off of his bended leg, which easily holds my weight, and stand, and he does the same.
“Are you sure?” I whisper, trying to wipe away the tears that keep falling.
He pulls me closer to him, gently cupping my face. “No doubt in my mind.”
I rest my head on his chest. Oh God, help me. When I look into his eyes, I lose all doubts, but they don’t go away quietly.
My mind is telling me one thing, my heart another. I can’t help but hear Helen’s words echoing in my head. Have we really come that far since then? I lift my head and look into his eyes. In a moment, they ease my doubts but increase so many of my fears. I know that he could break my heart in the blink of an eye.
“Yes,” I say softly.
I can’t say no. Why should I? I love him. I’ve been in love with him longer than I want to believe. If I couldn’t touch him, talk to him, feel him, I don’t know what I’d do. I could very easily spend the rest of my life with him. Still…
“Yes,” I say again, mostly to myself.
I throw myself into his arms and softly kiss his lips before he deepens it. He lifts me in his arms, and the world spins around me. The little voice in my head is quiet as tears of joy roll down my cheeks.
But all I can think is… please don’t break my heart.
June 7th 2011
June 7th, 2011
I wish I wasn’t here. Out of all my worries, my assumptions of what Cal was doing while he was gone, wondering who he was with, what was he doing? The jealousy, loneliness, and fear used to choke me like a noose. Now, being here without Cal is worse. So much worse than I could ever have thought, imagined, or prepared myself for. There was no way to prepare myself for this. I think somewhere deep down, I knew this was coming, but I hoped it was unsubstantiated fear. I’d always tell myself that I was paranoid, that my nightmares were my subconscious feelings about him being gone so much. Still, I felt it coming stronger and stronger as I looked into his eyes these past weeks, as he held me but I looked in the other direction.
The connection I’ve forged with him was trying to tell me, and I didn’t understand. I couldn’t figure it out. Or I didn’t want to. Maybe the entire time I was with him was just a countdown until I’d lose him. It’s been hard living with Cal, loving him for all that he is and all that he wouldn’t let me know about him, but it’s going to be harder living without him.
The day after he left me was one of the longest, hardest days of my entire life. It seemed as if it would never end. The hours passed like days, and there was nothing I could do to make it go faster. I knew when I woke he wouldn’t be here, but still I hoped when I opened my eyes, he’d be lying beside me.
He wasn’t; he was gone.
He didn’t take anything with him. The house looks as if he never left.
That’s why I had to leave the house too. Every time the phone rang, my heart beat faster. I thought of it being him, but then I’d hear a message from Dexter, Helen, or Raven—anyone but him. Everything I looked at triggered a memory that I didn’t want to think about. Trying not to think about him led me to only thinking about him more.