“I’m Chris, Caylen,” he says, his voice slightly cracking.
His eyes glisten, and I think I see tears in them. I walk closer to them and squat as well. I apprehensively touch his shoulder. Caylen touches his face and giggles.
In this moment, I know for sure the man beside me is not the one I knew. I take a deep breath and prepare myself to say something I didn’t plan on saying. I didn’t know how or when I would say it to her. If there would ever be the right time to say it. But now I know without a doubt. “Caylen, this is your daddy.”
I promised myself I wouldn’t do this, but it’s impossible not to. I never thought, after all the anger, worry, and fear, that this moment would turn out this way. The anxiety and stress in the pit of my stomach are replaced with something I haven’t felt in so long.
Peace.
I wipe away my tears, which are starting to fall, and he stops me, holding my hand gently.
“Thank you, Lauren.” His voice and eyes are full of sorrow, sincerity, and concern.
And for the first time in my life, I’m able to read the face looking at me. There’s nothing hiding the emotions there, nothing trying to camouflage them.
“Hey, gorgeous,” he says to her.
In the briefest second, he turns toward me, his smile familiar, and he winks at me. My breath hitches. And as fast as the moment happened—before I can verify it even did happen—it’s gone.
“Lauren?” he asks, a look of concern on his face.
He’s staring at me and… it’s still Chris, but I know for a second it wasn’t. He was here—Cal. I move closer to him. I hesitantly bring my hand to his face, wondering if he’ll even let me touch him. He does.
I ignore the familiar emotions that pass through me.
Before this moment, I felt as though I was giving up the only person I’ve ever been in love with and doing it for the only person in the world I love more than him—his daughter. I have to… right?
“I-is everything okay, Lauren?” He lets out a light laugh, his cheeks turning red.
I only nod, looking at the ground. Everything will be okay.
I’ll make sure it stays that way.
I have to…
…even if I break.
Thank you so much for reading If I Break! The next installment reveals what happened when everything exploded from Chris point of view. Dive in deeper and continue reading Before I Break. Book 1.5 in the If I Break Series.
Part II
Before I Break
Chris
March 7th, 2013
Silence, dead silence. There’s nothing I hate more in the world. It’s the sound that fills the room when you know the people you’re talking to are searching for something to say. Not just something, the right thing to say. They know if they speak too quickly, or the wrong words are spoken, everything will shift. The wrong response could tilt the world—your world—off its axis. I get why my parents are so careful with their words. Words changed our lives, and not for the better. It all started when I told them, “I don’t remember where I was last week.” The last time was when they told me, “Your mother is sick.”
In each instance, dead silence followed. Time stopped, and everyone tried to think of what was the right thing to say next. Now I’ve made an announcement that will change our lives forever, for what I hope is the better. That same silence follows, and they stare at me blankly. They're shocked. I expected that. My dad finally cracks a smile, but my mom is still stoic. Her expression is unreadable, and that worries me.
“Wow. Engaged?” My dad’s the first to break the silence in the room. His eyes are wide, the excitement in his voice apparent.
“What do you think, Mom?” I ask, rubbing the back of my head. I thought she’d be happy. She and Jenna get along great.
“I—I don't really know what to say, Chris.” She won’t even look at me as she lets out a long sigh. She gets up from the dining room table and disappears into the kitchen.
What type of congratulations is that? No smile, no tears of joy, not a single question? In the back of my mind, I knew there was a chance it could be like this, which is why I didn’t bring Jenna. I just told my mom I’m getting married. That I’ve chosen a woman to spend the rest of my life with, who is going to be the daughter she always wanted, and she walks out as if I just told her to grab me a sandwich. My dad looks behind him and sighs before his smile returns.
“Did you get a good deal on the ring?” he asks, trying to convey enough excitement for both of them. My dad has always been a dealmaker. I would have taken him with me to buy it if I thought he’d be this happy.
“I think so,” I chuckle.
“I took Lisa with me to pick it out,” I smile. I’m sort of proud about it. It’s one of the first big decisions I’ve made in my life without their input or influence. Lisa’s been my best friend since kindergarten, and she knows jewelry like nobody’s business. Even though she and Jenna aren’t the best of friends, Jenna loved the ring Lisa picked out. My dad makes his way over to me and pulls me into a bear hug.
“Well, congratulations, son,” he gives me another pat on the shoulder. It’s like I’m in bizarro world. My dad’s excited and accepting, but my mom looks as if I told her I’ve dropped out of college.
“Thanks, Dad,” I reply, still a little in shock. My mom is in the kitchen banging pots around.
“She’ll come around.” He notices my meandering glance towards the kitchen.
“I don't get it. She likes Jenna, right?" I scratch my head. Now I’m confused. I mean, I thought she liked her, but this reaction is causing me to think she’s a good actress.
“Of course son, it’s not that she doesn’t like Jenna. I don't think it has anything to do with her, really," he motions his head toward the living room. I follow him there. We sit down across from each other on separate sofas.
“So what is it? To be honest, I expected you to be the upset one,” I admit with a dry chuckle. My mom runs away from the problem. If it were him, he’d confront it right then and there, head on. They really balance each other out.
“I’m happy for you, son. You deserve this. You deserve to be in control of the important decisions in your life,” he says, a wide smile on his face. He almost seems more excited than I am.
“She doesn’t think I’m ready, does she?” That has to be it. “I haven’t had a blackout in two years. I’ve been doing really well,” I say defensively, but the truth is I have to tell myself every morning that I’m ready.
“I know! This is exactly the thing you need to put the past behind you. To move into the future,” he says encouragingly. “Your future,” he adds with a smile. I don’t know who else’s future it would be, but I’ll take it as long as one parent’s on my side.
“Jenna and her parents are still coming over for dinner tonight. I’ve got to talk to Mom. Jenna is going to be really hurt if she thinks mom is against this,” I let out a deep breath and stand up.
“I’m going to grab some champagne for tonight,” my dad grabs his jacket off the coat stand. “I’m proud of you, son.” And at that, he slips out the door. I shake my head in disbelief and head to the kitchen. My dad is actually happy about this? Never would have thought it. Once I’m in the kitchen, I see my mom pulling a bowl of potatoes from the sink and setting them on the counter.