“She just started crying when she saw me,” I try to explain.
“What the hell are you talking about?!” the girl says, her tone loud but her voice weak, almost pleading. My chest is tightening, like someone’s standing on it. I try to control my breathing. The last thing I need is Jenna thinking this is something it isn’t.
“She doesn’t seem to have you confused!” Jenna says angrily, eyeing the woman.
“Cal, what the hell are you trying to pull?” the girl yells. I glance back at her. At least the fire is back. My feet are finally able to move.
“My name is Chris,” I tell her, moving toward Jenna, who seems a little less angry since this girl seems to be looking for a guy name Cal. This all just has to be one big misunderstanding.
“Look, who are you?” Jenna asks. She seems more annoyed than angry now.
“I’m his wife, that’s who I am. Who the hell are you?!” the little brunette spits, and with those words I’m in hell, literally in hell. I’m afraid to even look at Jenna, but she’s laughing. She’s lost it. I’m standing in between two psychotic women.
“Ooh, I see. This is a joke. Good one, Chris. You almost had me for a minute, but you know I see right through your pranks.” She pats me on the chest. Then I realize that this has to be a joke, a prank that Lisa is pulling. I let out a little sigh of relief, but the other woman on the porch is livid. Her nostrils are flaring, eyes wide and if this were a horror movie, this would be the part when her head starts spinning or she sets the house on fire.
“Does it look like I’m joking?” she asks frantically, tears welling in her eyes. This woman is way too good to be in Lisa’s budget.
“Cal, tell her!” she demands, and I’m afraid this prank is getting way out of control.
“My name isn’t Cal,” I’m about to have an anxiety attack right here. I’ve been lucky enough to never have one of those, but I’m pretty sure this is what it feels like.
“Chris, who is she?!” Jenna yells. No one thinks this a prank anymore.
“Jenna, I’ve never seen this woman before in my life!” I shout.
“You asshole!” The brunette is now pushing me. If she weren’t so small, I’d be pushed into the door.
“You don’t know who I am now?”
I don’t know what to do. I’m trying to avoid touching her, but Jenna’s looking at me like she’s about to push me next if I don’t do something.
“Well, who gave me this?” Thankfully she’s stopped. But then she starts to pull something out of her jacket and hurls it at me. Whatever it is, Jenna snatches it up and inspects it. Oh no, please don’t let it be what it looks like.
“Chris, this is a wedding ring!” she shouts, thrusting it in my face. Jenna should know that this isn’t from me. The thing looks like it costs more than I make in a year.
“I’ve never seen that before in my life! I’ve never seen her in my life!”
“Chris, don’t lie to me!” Jenna’s shouting, and she’s starting to cry. I’ve never seen her cry before.
“She doesn’t even know my name! She’s crazy!” I shout just to get her to hear me. This is crazy. How could she think I could be married to anyone one else? I just proposed to her, that’s illegal. Jenna’s still staring at the ring. I grab her hand.
“Jenna, I swear to you. I have no idea what she’s talking about,” I try to tell her more calmly, and now the other woman is laughing hysterically.
“Who the hell is she to you? This is why you left? Is this who you left me for?!” Hazel Eyes is grabbing me now.
“He’s my fiancé!” Jenna yells at her.
“How the hell can he marry you when he’s still married to me?!” she shrieks. Now, I’m pissed. This isn’t a game or a joke. This crap she’s selling can destroy my life.
“I don’t even know you! Who are you? How do you know me?” I ask her, not hiding my anger.
“All of this time—all of this time! You’ve been lying to me and now—now! You act as if you don’t even know who I am!” She’s crying hysterically, and I instantly regret yelling at her. I feel a dull headache coming on, but that’s not happening now. I won’t black out now! She’s leaving the porch. Slowly, but leaving. I want to tell her not to drive in her current state. But the best thing for me, is for her to be as far away as possible so I can try to salvage this mess.
“I want a divorce! I never want to see you again! Don’t you ever come near me or Caylen again! I’ll send your shit through Dexter. I want it all out of my house!” she shouts. Oh no. How the hell would she know Dexter?
“How does she know Dexter? How the hell does she know Dexter, Chris?” Now Jenna is shouting at me.
“I don’t know, Jenna! This has to be a joke!” And now I’m the one who’s laughing. There’s nothing else I can do but laugh. My life is about to crumble around me, and I don’t know what the fuck is going on.
“Joke! I’m a joke?! You think ruining my life was a fucking joke?” the woman screams, now rushing towards me. She throws all her weight against me, her movements frantic and all over the place. She swings her fists at my face, and I have to grab her to stop her because if I don’t, she’ll do some serious damage.
“Get your hands off him!” Jenna screams, and attempts to tug her away from me, but I don’t need the help. This girl is pissed, but she weighs almost nothing.
I grab the girl by her waist to lift her up and carry her to the other side of the porch. When I lose my grip on her hands, she jabs one directly into Jenna’s face hard, and Jenna tumbles to the ground. I let the brunette down to try to go help Jenna, but now she’s up and rushing toward the brunette. I grab her to stop what’s about to be a fight. Jenna tries to reach over me and manages to capture a hand full of Hazel Eyes’ hair. I’m able to somehow pry her fingers loose, but I also get elbowed several times in the process. After trying to juggle both women, I pick up Jenna and carry her to the other side of the porch. I hear the door open from my house and have never been more grateful to see my dad appear, even though the brunette has calmed down.
“What’s going on?” my dad asks, looking bewildered.
“This psycho just attacked us!” Jenna yells, finally settling down in my arms when she sees my dad.
“This has nothing to do with you! This is between me and my husband!” the brunette says sharply, catching her breath.
“What?!” my dad asks her angrily.
“Tell her, Dad. She doesn’t believe me!” I plead. Will someone try to wake me up from this nightmare? The brunette is slowly moving off our porch but she seems unstable. She’s about to pass out, and I run over and catch her right before she collapses. I pick her up as my dad looks at me disapprovingly, and Jenna’s eyes shoot daggers at me. What was I supposed to do? Let her collapse on the ground?
My mom steps onto the porch, joining this freak show.
“What’s going on?” she asks, panicked.
“I’d sure as hell like to know!” Jenna laughs bitterly. My mom walks over to me and looks at the girl in my arms. Her breath catches.