“Still,” Brennan said. “I should’ve been paying more attention. I should’ve stepped up when you needed it.” He sighed, then ducked his chin. “I’ve been distracted.”
I couldn’t help but chuckle a little. “Well. With good reason.”
But something in my expression must’ve betrayed how I really felt, because Brennan’s expression softened a little. “What do you mean?”
“You’ve got Joker now,” I admitted. “You don’t need to waste your time with me.”
God, it sounded pathetic even to my own ears.
“Is that… Dawson, that’s not true,” Brennan said. “Is that what it seems like?”
“You’ve got him,” I said, then pressed the heels of my hands into my eyes. “And I’ve got nobody. I mean, we used to hang out together pretty much all the time, and then it’s like—I got tossed aside in favor of Joker.” I couldn’t meet Brennan’s eyes, but his grip tightened on my knee. I swallowed hard. “I don’t blame you, though. I’d do the same thing. You’re in love, and all that.”
“Dawson,” Brennan said. “That’s not—I didn’t mean to push you aside.”
“I know,” I said. “That kind of makes it worse. You didn’t even realize it.” I sighed. “I’m sorry—this isn’t about you. It doesn’t matter. I still fucked up. It doesn’t matter why.”
“It does, though,” Brennan said.
Finally, I looked up and met his eyes. He was frowning deeply, but there was warm concern in his eyes, and relief uncurled in my chest.
“I’m sorry, too,” Brennan said. “I guess I have been neglecting our friendship.”
“Too whipped,” I said with a low laugh.
“Maybe a little,” Brennan teased carefully.
“You’re still my best friend, though,” Brennan said. “Nothing’s ever going to change that. Not a relationship—not a drinking problem. I’ve always got your back.”
“Jeez.” I felt dangerously close to tears again. Brennan noticed, and wrapped his arm around my shoulders. “I know that. Even if it doesn’t always feel that way in my head, I know. But it’s nice to hear it.”
I inhaled deep and exhaled hard. I felt a little steadier, but still lost.
“I don’t know where to go from here,” I admitted. “I don’t know how to fix it. I fucked everything up so badly.”
“Rock bottom,” Brennan said. “Only way to go is up.”
I sighed and shrugged out of Brennan’s hold, only because I thought I might crumble again if I leaned on him too hard. I stood up and padded back into the kitchen to pour myself another cup of coffee.
“Feels like rock bottom,” I said. “Doesn’t mean I know how to get out. Mom hit rock bottom ten years ago and pretty much stayed there.”
“You’re not your mother,” Brennan said softly.
I thought I wasn’t. But I’d also thought I was different from her in a lot of other ways—that I had a handle on my drinking. That I was fine. When really, I’d been in denial, the same way she was, and heading down the same dark path.
How was I supposed to think I could come back from this, when I’d been so wrong about myself before? “You sure about that?”
“Did she ever want to change?” Brennan asked.
“No,” I said. “She never did. Never even tried. Never even wanted to try.”
“Do you?” he asked.
“Yeah,” I said immediately. I wanted to change so badly, it was like an ache in my gut. I wanted to be the friend Brennan deserved, I wanted to earn back the respect of the club, I wanted to be the kind of guy Nix could be with. “I just don’t know how.”
“Well, there’s the difference,” Brennan said like it was the most obvious thing in the world.
“Doesn’t matter if I want to,” I said. “Not if I don’t know how to do it.”
“Well, you don’t have to figure it out alone,” Brennan said. “You’ve got me, and Nix, and if you play your cards right, the club.”
I shook my head. “I definitely don’t have the club,” I said. “And—and Nix—I fucked things up with him too badly. It’s over.”
“What happened?” Brennan asked.
I sat back down on the couch with my coffee in hand.
“He reamed me,” I said. “And I deserved it. I didn’t realize that I’d put everyone in danger running my mouth like that.”
I grimaced at the memory: Nix’s eyes blazing, his muscular arms crossed over his chest as he looked at me over the top of his glasses. Laying out all the things I’d done wrong, and all the ways I could’ve hurt everyone. How it was only luck, and the club’s relationship to the Empire, that allowed them to smooth it over for me.
“He’s done with me.”
“Maybe so,” Brennan said. “But maybe not.”
I furrowed my eyebrows at him. “What do you mean? I already got my second chance, and I fucked it up.”
“This is different,” Brennan said. “You’ve admitted you have a problem. That’s huge. That warrants another chance.”
“I don’t know if that’s true,” I muttered, even as hope flared in my chest. All I’d done so far was show Nix what a fuckup I was. He’d already lost one person to addiction—Sienna—so why would he want to get mixed up with me? What did I have to bring to the table but more pain?
“Regardless of the outcome,” Brennan said, “I think you should fight for what you want. For what you know you need to do. If you want to make things right with Nix, and with the club, you need to show them you’re serious about changing. I think if you show Nix that effort, he might surprise you.”
I wrinkled my nose. “When’d you get all smart and wizened?”
I shook my head a little in disbelief, but only because it was too scary to actually hope that Brennan was right. There was no way I deserved another shot with Nix, but maybe Brennan was onto something. Maybe I owed it to Nix—and to myself—to at least show him that I could change.
“How would I even do that?” I asked.
The outcome didn’t matter, I told myself. I needed to show Nix I was serious because he deserved to know that he’d had an impact on me. That he made me want to change. But I wasn’t doing it for him. Ultimately, I was doing it because I needed to be a better person—to live a life that didn’t hurt other people.
“Go see him,” Brennan said.
“Now?”
“Yeah,” Brennan said. “Why not?”
I glanced around my apartment. “I’m not exactly ready to go out.”
Brennan glanced at the clock, then back to me. “Just shower, you’ll be fine.”
Weird. Did he want me to meet Nix at a certain time, or something? Was he planning something? I narrowed my eyes. “Is he at the clubhouse?”
“No,” Brennan said. “But I know where he is, so I’ll tell you where to go.”
Usually I’d push back, ask Brennan to tell me what the fuck that meant, but honestly, I was exhausted. And he was right. I need to stop wallowing in my hovel and do something. If I wanted to make things right with Nix, and the club, I had to step up. And with Brennan at my back, I was ready to do so.