Normally I’d immediately push back against even the implied threat of therapy, but maybe it would be good to sort through this year—this life, even—with someone else. My head’s felt so heavy, my thoughts so protected, and I think I might be exhausted from all of it. And this is me headed out the door to a party.
“OK, I’ll talk to someone,” I say. “Don’t look proud of me. Just look normal. Promise?”
Dad makes a very solemn face and nods. “I’ll make some calls. Have a fun night, kiddo.”
That seems unlikely, but if he can fake normalcy, I can fake a smile before waving good-bye.
I meet up with Hannah and Tobi, and we walk back to school. Grad night is, like all school events except prom, held in the gym.
“This is going to be dorky as hell,” Hannah says as we survey the crowd and the streamer-filled room. “Or maybe it’s just me that’s a little bit over all the stereotypical high school stuff.”
“We literally just graduated,” I say. “You are hardly the only one over stereotypical high school stuff.”
“You two are party poopers,” Tobi says. “Literally.”
“Literally?” we ask at the same time. No one wants to dwell on the implications of that statement, so we head off to check out the snack table instead.
I spot Gabriel on my walk over, and even though I’m not dangerous insulation and he doesn’t need to wear a mask, suddenly all I can hear in my head is that communication is key.
“Hey,” I greet him.
“Hey, James,” he says.
“Brett Bolton’s party? Logan and I had . . . literally just broken up. Not that . . .” I find myself smiling. “Not that there’s anything wrong about anything that happened, but if it came across like I blew you off—I’m sorry.”
“Girls blow me off all of the time,” he says with a smile. “It’s fine.”
“No, but . . . I could have been clearer.”
Gabriel grins. If my heart had only gotten the message that Logan and I were over, I feel how I could have fallen for him and had a very different year.
“You owed me nothing,” he says. “And I know where I rank next to Sidana.”
I laugh. “Don’t believe his hype. You rank fine.”
As I walk away it feels like a chapter has finally been closed, and I breathe a literal sigh of relief. Until I reach the snack table.
“Hey!” Quinn’s pouring punch into tiny cups as I walk up. From her tone I can tell she has no idea about Kat’s texts to me. About anything at all. “I think K was looking for you. Can I get you some punch? From what I hear, it tastes like liquid Skittles, so take that as you will.”
“I’ll pass,” I say.
“This is why you’re the smart one,” she says, because no matter how hard I try, I can’t fully hate Quinn. It would be so much easier if she were horrible.
“Hey.” Kat walks up with her hands on her hips. She’s changed into a hot pink flowered dress and I’m struck for a moment by how beautiful she is. Something has changed within Kat this year where it’s as if I can see the adult she’s going to become. Is that part of what’s gone wrong? Has she turned into yet another person who I don’t know?
“I’m not hearing the most positive reviews on the punch,” Quinn tells her, holding out one of the tiny cups. Kat shoots her a little smile before accepting it and walking toward one of the corners of the gym.
I take a deep breath and follow her.
“Seriously,” she says, clutching her little cup of red liquid. “I don’t understand what’s going on.”
“Nothing’s going on,” I say, like an idiot. How can things be so clear in my head and so wrong out of my mouth?
“James, like, even one thing,” she says, and I hear the tears in her voice. “College, your mom, someone named Todd?”
“My mom left my dad,” I say. “Are you happy?”
“Of course I’m not happy! When did it happen? Are you doing OK? Is your dad?”
“I told you one thing,” I say. “Like you asked. So please don’t follow it up with a thousand questions.”
“I’m seriously . . .” She sniffles. “I’m so confused. My questions are because I care about you and your family.”
“Please don’t make this about you right now, OK?”
“I’m not.” Her voice breaks on not. “But, like, James, I know that you didn’t get dumped by Logan. I wasn’t going to say anything because I know how hard breakups are, but . . . like, hearing all of this now . . . this whole year really feels like a lie.”
I stare at her. Even though I want this conversation to be over, I also wish I magically had the words to make all of this sound fine. If Kat’s the one who’s made everything so hard this year, why do I have to feel like the bad guy? Why is it possible that I could be the bad guy?
“I’m seriously in shock,” she says. “Did you not think I’d care about any of this?”
“Uh . . .” I have no idea how to finish the thought. It’s so clear how little space I take up in Kat’s world anymore.
“I don’t know why this was a secret from me. Why freaking all of this stuff was a secret from me.”
“It wasn’t a secret from you,” I say. “It wasn’t a secret at all. I just didn’t want to talk about it. Not everyone wants to discuss every single thing to death, you know.”
Her mouth falls open. “Why aren’t you telling me anything?”
“What’s there to know?” I ask. “My mom left my dad. Logan and I broke up. I’m going to Berkeley.”
“Right, but, like . . . if I hadn’t seen your mom at graduation and she hadn’t said anything . . . I can’t believe you didn’t tell me about Berkeley.”
“I never said for sure that I was going to Michigan,” I say. “You just assumed that and ran with it because it suited your visions of this perfect college life. Me still at your beck and call only two hours away.”
“That’s not what I wanted. Why would you assume, like, a super crappy thing about me?”
“You could have asked me what was going on in my life,” I say. “When’s the last time you did that? You make everything about yourself.”
It’s hard to explain, but it’s as if saying it aloud makes it true.
“This is grad night,” Kat says, as if I’ve interrupted something sacred in a school gymnasium. “Do we have to do this here?”
“We definitely don’t,” I say. “I think we’re pretty much finished.”
I find Hannah and Tobi and fake that I’m having a good time for a while. It’s incredible how I can act like a girl who still has a best friend. The punch does taste like liquid Skittles, and Tobi does manage to hunt down Miguel Carter—even if it’s technically no longer before graduating and even if talking to someone doesn’t necessarily count as seducing. But eventually something clicks in me and I can’t fake it anymore. I act as if I’m only heading off to the bathroom, but I walk past it down the main corridor and then out the front door.