But it doesn’t feel like growing up, not really. It feels like lying.
“So how’s UCLA?” I ask. “Are you still on winter break?”
“I am, and it’s good. I feel less smart now, ’cause there are some certified geniuses in my classes. But I probably need the humbling.”
I grin. “You probably do.”
“What about you? Where are you off to next year? You still think you need to flee the state?”
“I’m not fleeing! But, yeah. I just want to see what else is out there. I’ve barely left LA. And Mom always said—” My voice gets hung up on the words and I stop.
Logan touches my arm. “Any advice your mom gave you was probably pretty awesome.”
“She wanted me to see the world,” I say. “And, like, I know she’s gone but—”
“Hey, I get it. I’m just giving you shit because I can. And I’ve missed a few months of doing it. Making up for lost time.”
“Is it weird that I’ve missed you?” I cover my face with my hands. “Sorry, I’m such a dork.”
“It would be weird if you didn’t,” Logan says. “I’m cool as hell.”
I laugh. “Uh huh.”
“What’s your college list?” he asks.
“I applied early decision for Oberlin,” I tell him. “And I have, like, a whole list of other liberal arts schools I’ll try for if I don’t get in. Kenyon, Wellesley, Smith, Vassar, Wesleyan, et cetera. Someone has to want me, right?”
“Someone definitely will,” he says. “I’m not worried about you.”
“Oh, thank god! Since you’re a college expert and all now.”
“Oh yeah, just living that college life, nothin’ else!” He takes my beverage from the barista and hands it to me. “You didn’t get back together with that vegan asshole, did you?”
“Oh my god, no.” I push a straw into the cup and take a long sweet-spicy sip. “Actually I’m dating someone else now. Someone freaking amazing. I think you would like her.”
Logan’s eyebrows go up. “Her?”
I grin. “Yep.”
“No wonder you’re trying to get into all of those women’s colleges.”
I can’t help but laugh. “That is not why. Those were on my list anyway.”
“Maybe it was a sign.” He tinkers a bunch with his cold brew: half and half, simple syrup, a lot of stirring and testing.
“You should refollow me,” I tell him, even though I’m the one who unfollowed him, everywhere I could, out of best friend solidarity. But, like, what even is that now? She broke up with the nicest guy I’ve ever known and then lied about it? What’s solidarity for?
“Look, I’m just trying to figure out her rules and abide by them,” he says. “So, I don’t know, Kat.”
“I’ll refollow you, then,” I say, and he grins.
“You’re hard to turn down,” he says.
“Duh! That’s my charm.”
He surprises me by giving me a very sweet hug. “Take care, Rydell. Hopefully see you via the magic of social media soon.”
I add Logan back as I walk home. And I barely feel guilty at all.
Luke is in the living room reading a thick novel when I get back to the house. Dad and I have basically quit using this room altogether since Luke left in August, and I’d almost forgotten people could be in here.
“You should go out and do fun stuff while you’re here,” I say. Luke glances up from his book, which is probably something about dragons or quests. “You’re on break! You can’t hang out with George R. R. Martin all the time!”
“Firstly, this book is not by—never mind, I know you don’t actually care. And I have plans for later. Keith’s having some of us over to hang out in his garage.”
I’m pretty sure Luke spent some portion of every weekend of grade school, middle school, and high school in his friend Keith’s garage. “That doesn’t seem very exciting.”
Luke shrugs. “There’ll be beer. That’s exciting enough. And Delia will be there.”
“Oh my god!” I hop up and down. Delia was Luke’s crush throughout most of high school. And I’m pretty sure if he wasn’t so slow-moving with girls that she’d be his girlfriend already. “Have you talked to her lately?”
“We text sometimes—”
“Ooh!” I exclaim.
“Kat.” He gives me an exhausted look. “Anyway. I saw her on New Year’s, but I don’t know what she thinks. She probably met some cool guy at Emerson.”
“If she flirted with you all through high school, she’s probably not looking for a cool guy.” I laugh and sit down next to him. “I’m kidding! A little. Not really.”
He marks his place in his book. “How do I figure out if she’s got a boyfriend at school?”
“Luke, oh my god, you just ask her. You don’t have to be all sneaky and artful about it. Just treat her like a human you’re having a normal conversation with.”
Luke sighs and messes up his hair. It’s thick and straight like Dad’s, nothing at all like mine. “You get that we’re pretty different people, right? You’re the one everyone likes and who goes out with whoever you want.”
“That is not at all how I would describe myself,” I say, though there’s something about Luke being back that makes me reconsider our family dynamic. I’ve always thought of him as somehow more than me. Stable and smart and thoughtful and reliable. The stereotypical perfect big brother. But I guess at the end of the day he is a guy who likes to hang out in a friend’s garage or read books alone when he could be out with friends. There’s nothing wrong with that, but he’s right that we aren’t the same.
Somehow, we still feel like the same to me, though. Maybe that’s what family is.
“Hey, guys.” Dad steps into the room, looking as surprised as I feel to be using it again. “I wanted to talk to you while you were both here. Since Luke’s around for another week, I thought maybe . . . we could have dinner with Diane.”
I glance at Luke, who shrugs and nods. “Sure.”
I shrug and nod, too, even though I’m only pantomiming what casual people look like. Inside my chest my heart thuds and I try to count beats like a metronome. Maybe I should own a metronome. You can’t worry about skipped beats when you can line them all up like that.
Once I’m alone in my room, I start to text James. It’s just my auto-reaction to anything happening, but now there’s this lie hanging out there, and I’m not sure what to do with it. Regardless, though, there’s a more urgent matter at hand.
I actually have no idea who to type. Why does it feel like something horrible to be . . . I don’t know, popular or something? Not that it hasn’t always been like this, but it’s definitely intensified. I know that there’s something people want to like about Quinn and me as a couple. It’s a good story that Matty Evans’ ex-girlfriend fell in love with a girl. But being popular doesn’t mean what it means to be loved by James, by Luke, maybe by Logan still. And if I can see that difference so clearly, I don’t know why other people can’t.