He still had interview requests, but he’d put all of them off. His excuse was he had a lot going on with the end of the school year, that he had to help Jacob get ready for the chamber ball, but the truth was he didn’t want to face awkward questions he didn’t know the answer to.
In so many ways, he was falling into depression, the depression he’d known lurked for him ever since he first realized how difficult it would be for him to write Veil of Stars. He’d run from this mental state, fought it tooth and nail. He thought he’d escaped it by finishing and getting together with Jacob, but like a riptide, darkness pulled him back. It didn’t matter that Elizabeth and Rebecca had solved the crisis. He was going to feel that sick sense of exposure for a long time.
Exposure coupled with shame that it had been a crisis of his own making.
He’d said as much one night to Jacob, and Jacob had been irate on his behalf, pointing out there were laws against using someone’s private photos and videos against them without permission, especially to coerce or shame. While Rasul appreciated this defense very much, even needed to hear it several times a week, it left out the gritty mess he held tight in his hand. His own part in this. That he should have known better. He should have done better for himself.
Jacob stayed beside him through this low like a rock, bringing him takeout, soothing him with the same reassurances over and over. “You got here on the path you had to take. I’m never going to judge you for that, and I hope you don’t judge yourself either. I am, however, very glad you came.”
He tried not to judge himself. The weather was finally warming, and he became addicted to taking long walks down the greenbelt park behind the store. He wandered all the way to the southern end, where he could peer down at the craggy riot of clear water against the jagged rocks, and to the northern end, from which point he could see the lighthouse.
On the morning of the chamber ball, he went up the lighthouse again and stood alone at the breezy apex, letting his thoughts unfurl across the bay.
He liked to run from things. He knew that. It had been a good strategy for a long, long time, until it hadn’t. He’d built a life for himself full of the things he felt he should like, things he believed, or hoped, could keep him safe. From what, he still couldn’t articulate. Criticism? No. Judgment? Ha. No.
From loneliness, he acknowledged at last. From insignificance.
Well, he thought with a wry smile, there was nowhere to feel quite so lonely as by yourself at the top of a lighthouse. It wasn’t terrifying, though. It made him sad, yes, and it let in all those feelings he’d tried so desperately to push aside. But he didn’t need to run from them anymore. He didn’t want to.
He wanted to stay in Copper Point, with his friends and the person he loved, and find out what came after you stopped being afraid.
When he got back to the bookstore, Matt and Gus loitered at the bottom of the stairs in evening wear, waiting for him.
Panicked, Rasul pulled out his phone and looked at the time. “Don’t I still have several hours to get ready?”
Matt and Gus exchanged a knowing look.
“Technically. But not actually.” Matt pushed off the railing and crossed to Rasul, taking his elbow. “Come on. You’ll miss your fitting.”
“Fitting? For what?”
Gus took Rasul’s other elbow. “Your boyfriend has arranged some pampering for you before the event.”
“Starting with a fitting for a customized suit.”
Rasul kept looking from one to the other. “There’s no way in hell you can make a bespoke suit in two hours.”
Matt snorted. “No, there isn’t. But we can do some fairly decent finishes on the one I ordered for you.”
Engleton’s was quiet as they entered, only one employee behind the counter and an older couple shopping near the front of the store. Gus took Rasul to the fitting area and chatted idly until Matt rolled out a clothing dummy. It was wearing a fetching royal blue suit with big white checks, a pale blue shirt, a cheeky paisley bow tie, and a felted burgundy vest. There were also a pair of burgundy wingtip shoes.
Rasul grinned as he touched the suit. “This is for me? Really?”
Matt looked a bit smug. “We all consulted on it. We were fairly sure you’d like it.”
“I love it. I want to put it on right now.”
“You will, but only for a fitting. Then I’ll get to work while you continue your pampering journey.”
Rasul hurried into the clothes, admiring himself in the mirror as Matt took his measurements. “Where’s Jacob, anyway?”
“Chamber stuff,” Gus offered, tugging at the hem of Rasul’s jacket and smoothing the fabric over his shoulders critically. “Technically we should be helping, but we’ve been assigned Rasul duty. We don’t mind.”
Rasul lifted his arm at Matt’s direction. “Do you think he regrets getting voted in as president?” It had been almost an afterthought, with him the only one running and Les Clark out of the picture completely.
“Probably a little,” Matt said around the pins in his mouth. “Hold still.”
“He’ll be fine,” Gus said. “He always grumbles a bit at changes initially. But he loves a challenge.”
“Does he have help setting up and all that, though?” Rasul asked. “I had planned to offer my services.”
“He’ll have our heads if you show up a second before he asked us to bring you.” Gus patted Rasul’s shoulder. “Just relax and enjoy your boyfriend’s bossy side.”
Rasul had no objections when it was put like that.
He hated to leave his suit, but Matt had whisked it away for alterations, and Gus took Rasul on to his next stop, which turned out to be his favorite masseuse at the Chinese massage parlor. Gus waited in the lobby while Rasul had every bit of tension efficiently expelled from his body. He tried not to moan in ecstasy, but a few times he couldn’t help it.
After Gus paid the bill there, Rasul was taken to an affable barber two blocks off University Avenue who gave him a cut and a beard trim and told Rasul how much he’d enjoyed his books. After this it was back to the bookstore apartment, where Gina waited, petting the cats.
“I’ll leave you now,” she said, heading down the stairs. “My job was just to set things up. I hope I did it right.”
Rasul didn’t know what she was talking about until he went into the bathroom, at which point he laughed, and wiped a few tears away. Green sheets were hung across the room, and a ridged baking dish sat in the bottom of steaming, scented water. Petals were strewn around the room and across the surface of the tub, and a note was propped up on the vanity.
I had them leave you a towel this time, Cassandra. See you soon.
The bath was wonderful—Rasul took the dish out and said a prayer of thanks the water contained no dye—and when he was done, he came out to find Gus and Matt waiting for him, as well as his suit.
By the time he was dressed and walking down the street to the community center flanked by his friends, Rasul couldn’t deny he felt more than a bit better than when he’d been brooding alone atop the lighthouse. He was a sucker for being cared for. It was a nice evening too. He couldn’t wait for Jacob to join him.
He’d half hoped he’d meet Jacob outside the community center, but apparently he was inside seeing to last-minute issues. So while they waited for the doors to open, he chatted with Gus, Matt, and other community members waiting outside. Several people complimented him on his suit, which he completely credited Matt for.