She inches closer to me and puts her hand on mine. “Maybe we’re different. Maybe I’m different. Maybe I’m not like her. Liam, whether intended or not we’ve been a couple for a while now, shy of a label.”
I wet my lips, fighting whatever is going on inside of me, and try another approach, maybe making her angry will work better. “You usually see other people when you’re in a relationship?” I want to take it back the moment it leaves my mouth. I had no right.
She retrieves her hand like it was burned and gapes at me then blinks.
“Damn it. Sorry, Anna, that was a low blow. I had no right saying that.”
Mission succeeded; she’s pissed. I’m such an ass. She’s sitting here, telling me she wants me, and I go and do that.
“Believe me,” she says. “If you just asked, I wouldn’t be seeing other people. And just for the record, not because I owe you an explanation but because I want you to know, there was nothing, absolutely nothing between Jesse and me. Ever.”
My eyes meet hers and I see something burning there, an uncertainty..
“How does that make you feel?” she asks.
I can’t lie. “Relieved.”
She nods twice. “I thought so.”
“Listen, Anna, this is too much. I need to process everything. I didn’t plan on having these strong feelings for you.” Strong feelings, the understatement of the century. “I think that while I’m away we shouldn’t be in touch. I need to do some thinking. I need to figure things out. And I can’t do that when you’re around.”
She looks flabbergasted. “You know what,” she says, frowning at me. “I’m not going to sit here and plead my case. Here it is, Liam Brody. I like you –I much more than like you.”
She’s killing me.
“We are more than great together,” she says, her voice breaking a little. “And, I don’t need to prove anything to anyone, not even you. I deserve to be with someone who wants to be with me. I shouldn’t be begging.”
I attempt to inch closer, but her body language makes me withdraw.
“No, you shouldn’t,” I agree. “And you’re perfect and absolutely right.” And I know you’re the best thing that has ever happened to me and I know that if I give you what you want, you’ll eventually resent me, and it’ll break your heart and mine. Better end it now when she’s not too deep in.
She gives me a bitter smile. “Just not perfect enough for you to give this a real try, ah?”
God, no. You’re my be all end all girl. “Anna, it’s not like that.”
She cocks her head. “Isn’t it though. Really? Or maybe, just maybe you’re bad at letting yourself have it all and being genuinely happy.”
She collects herself, licks her lips, exasperation radiating through her expression. “You know what I wish? I wish you’d show me exactly how you feel. Break your own damn rules and go crazy. I wish I could see you with zero inhibition. Doing what you really want to do. You know what I think, Liam? I think we would be perfect under those circumstances.”
“Anna,” I say, dropping my chin on a sigh. I take a deep breath that does shit to stop the turmoil inside. “I think I should take this time apart to make sense of the mess in my head. Like I said, I can’t think straight when I’m around you. I think I need time to figure things out. And the only way I can see myself succeeding in doing that is for us to take a break for a while, at least while I’m away.”
She looks at me incredulously. “A break? You want us to not be in touch at all?”
My stomach is turning as I muster the strength to say, “I think it’s for the best. For the time being.”
She blinks at me a couple of times, looking utterly stunned.
I try to explain, “I don’t know that we have enough mileage in our . . . thing to sustain a pause. Or ask for it in the first place. I mean, we obviously do well connecting remotely, but – I can’t ask you to wait especially when I don’t know what I want right now, or give you what you want. Anna, I told you from day one, I can’t do relationships at this point in my life. I can’t commit to someone because I don’t have the capacity for that. It’s going to be great in the beginning but then when we’re in the middle of dinner or a movie and I’m paged to a surgery or you want to go out with friends and I want to stay at home because I’m too tired . . . that’s the reality of a relationship with me. All of my energy and focus has to be on the work I do. I can’t ask you to compromise your life to be with me and stay on the back burner. And I know right now when it feels like it’s working so well it seems like it’ll work long term. Let me tell you, it never does.”
She nods seeming beyond frustrated and . . . hurt. “So, you need to make a decision, and you opt-out?”
“Anna.”
She gives me a thin, unhappy smile. “Got it. You’re leaving and we shouldn’t be in touch for the foreseeable future. Did I get it right?”
“Anna.” I’m devastated for doing this to her, to me, especially now. The timing couldn’t be more wrong, but I hold steel, fighting myself from taking it all back and wrapping her in my arms.
She gets off the bed, looking for her scattered clothes. She grabs whatever she finds and walks to the bathroom. She slams the door behind her and comes back out dressed in a blink. I have my face between my hands struggling to stay collected. I raise my head to see her walk over to me.
She leans in to press a kiss to my cheek. “Safe travels, take care.”
Torn, I take her hand in mine. My features crumble with the thought of letting her go. I bring her hand to my mouth and kiss gently, so God damn scared to let her walk away. I swallow thick, and eventually do the right thing. I let her go.
Wordless, she walks to the door. She turns her head for a brief second, and I know this image of her will stay with me. Then she leaves the room. The click of the door as she walks out is soul crushing.
I stand in the quiet for a moment. Frozen and broken. My feelings for her are much stronger than I thought they were. But I had to do it. I had to. Better now than in a few months when the pain would be unbearable. Better now than later when feelings get deeper. Better now than to end it with a fight and bitter feelings later on. Nevertheless, I’ve never hated myself so much.
Can I Just Skip Forward to the Last Scene to Find Out it Was All Just a Very Bad Joke?
“Hey Vic, did you talk to mom?” I ask my sister as I slip into bottle-green heels.
“Funny you should mention it. I wanted to ask you the same thing.”
“Strange,” I frown. “I mean from time to time she has these busy phases, but—” I shrug on a black blazer and grab my studio bag and purse. “I think that the last time I spoke to her was, what – a couple of days ago?” I shut the door behind me. Between the three of us, Vic, mom, and I, we tend to talk daily.
“Really odd,” Vicky muses.
My heels echo rapidly on the concrete as I head down the street to the café by the studio. “’Tis,” I comment. My frown deepens. “Hey Vic, is it just me, or has she been a bit – I don’t know, not herself lately?”