“Terribly sorry for your loss, Miss Nolan. Your mother… was a good woman.” His lips pursed as he looked down and mumbled, “Have a good day.” He turned around and hurriedly made his way to the shop. All intimidating grace had evaporated into an awkwardness that left me confused. What the hell was that all about?
I took a seat in the car and listened to my stomach grumble. I hadn’t eaten a thing all day. I was craving something fatty and being a close distance to a major shopping center, I was again filled with the nostalgia of a certain food and knew what I wanted.
On my way into the shopping center, Lexi called, asking me delicate questions about how I was feeling. No doubt Daniel had let something slip to her.
“Do you need me to come and see you? I can take a couple days off,” she offered for the fourth time.
“No, no, I’ll be fine,” I told her as I stepped into the food court. I couldn’t get my head wrapped around the amount of people. It was Tuesday afternoon and swarming with mummies and their kids, and lots of fathers too. These must have been the mining workers on their swings off spending time with their families. You could tell from the tan that a lot of the men sported from being outdoors in the sun while working long hours.
“How long do you think you’ll take?”
“Dunno. I’d like to be gone the next day or so, but I’ve got her furniture I need to get rid of, and then I need to sort through all sorts of boxes.”
“Have you even started on them?”
“Not yet.”
Lexi sighed. “Why not?”
“Because,” I shrugged, stepping into a long line in front of a Chinese buffet.
“Have you visited her?”
Now it was my turn to sigh. “No, I didn’t visit my mother’s gravesite. Any other delicate questions you want to get out of the way?” I ignored the turn of heads in my direction.
“Don’t be a bitch. I’m just asking. Remember that’s what Dr Shipton advised you to do a long time ago. He said to see her, have a talk and learn to put what she did to you behind you.”
“You know, I really wish I never told you my conversations with my therapist. I should have known they’d come back to bite me in the ass.”
She laughed. “I never forget a thing. I need to get back to work. Love you, dimwit.”
“Yeah, yeah, ditto.”
I ordered my giant plate, filled it up with hot and spicy pork, vegetable fried rice, and Chicken Lo Mein. Then I made my way to an empty table and ate my guts out, knocking back a cold can of Coke. This was absolute carbocide, and with my lack of exercising as of late due to the chilly weather deterring my outdoor runs, I knew my jeans were going to be feeling tighter within the hour. I made a mental note to join the damn gym the second I returned to Winthrop.
It was nearing three in the afternoon when I finally got up and hobbled to the toilets. I pulled out a toothbrush in my purse and some travel size toothpaste and brushed my teeth, taking my time as I stared at myself in the mirror. My pale complexion haunted me. Just what did Daniel find so attractive about me? I looked like the saddest person in the world, but it wasn’t like I was depressed or anything. I was just… content with life. Not particularly happy or jumping in joy or anything, but I had nothing to complain about. I wasn’t tied down to anything, had no debts, was happy with my job and co-workers, had a damn good friend at home, and a love life that was….
Hmm, how would I describe that? I obviously cared about Daniel despite our little arrangement. He put that extra smile on my face, and when we slept together he wasn’t selfish about it. There was a lustful passion between us. We clicked well, even outside of the bed we got along like a house on fire.
Maybe that’s why I felt so out of it. I hadn’t had my needs met last night. Was I growing clingy to him? I had the urge to call him up and ask him how he was doing, maybe even take him up on that offer to come down. He would be the best company right about now. Only I couldn’t bring myself to do it. We’d been playing this song and dance for two years, and he hadn’t once brought up wanting anything more. Why would I think that would suddenly change? Then again, I told myself, I’d never brought it up either.
I was in a haze of thoughts, and my legs were on auto-pilot. I was out of the toilets and walking steadily past the many shops inside the center, ignoring people’s happy smiles as they carried on with their lives. I idly wondered if any of them had a shitty upbringing like me. Did they get beaten by their alcoholic father while their mother watched on, intoxicated herself, and unwilling to intervene? How would they take the news of the passing of a parent they barely knew who had suddenly made all these life altering changes and never once reached out to their kid in the process?
I was trying to delay the trip to my mother’s house, so I walked endlessly up and down the shopping center, pretending to look interested at the clothes on mannequins that were way out of my price range. I killed an hour this way before my legs grew weak and decided to get back to my car. I stepped out into the autumn air, head down, watching my feet move in the direction of my car when I heard a familiar voice call out from behind me. It didn’t hit me until the third time my name had been heard. I stopped, confused, and assumed there was probably another Sara around. The name is pretty common after all.
“Sara! Behind you!”
I whipped around and all breath escaped my lungs in a hurry as I stared at Lucinda hurriedly walking down the parking lot to me.
No fucking way!
Everything in my body screamed to run away, but I couldn’t help the excitement roaring inside of me at seeing her for the first time in five years. My memory of her hadn’t done any justice. She was radiating with a beauty that was so remarkably preserved, it was like she hadn’t aged at all. Her blonde hair with chestnut brown highlights was pulled back into a neat bun. She wore a pair of jeans that hugged her motherly hips and a pink and white striped thin sweater under a green stylish jacket. Of course she pulled it all off with her high, brown leather boots.
“I can’t believe it!” She wrapped her arms around my frame and pulled me tightly to her chest as she laughed joyously. “I saw you leave a clothing store and I thought to myself, ‘No, that can’t be Sara, not my Sara.’ I followed you out, and when I saw those brown eyes and those big pouty lips, I just knew! Oh, I just knew it was you! My Sara!” She was still hugging me tightly to her, half her face buried into my hair as she rocked us from side to side. Then she pulled back, hands resting on each shoulder, and looked me up and down with a smile that went from ear to ear. “How are you?”
“It’s really good to see you!” I choked out, gulping down the lump in my throat. “Wow! You look amazing!”
“As do you! Now answer my question, darling. How are you?”
I shrugged. “Yeah, fine. I can’t believe how good you look.”
She pursed her lips and frowned at my answer. Displeasure at my change in subject, most likely.
“Mom’s passed away,” I breathed out.
She didn’t look surprised. She just nodded. “I know. Car crash and all. I went to the funeral. I thought I’d see you there for sure. Was hoping so, anyway.”
My eyebrows shot up. “You went to her funeral?” I couldn’t contain my disbelief.