As the days and then the weeks passed, it slowly sank in that he hadn’t been bluffing.
He really had gone.
Chapter 19
Now, thirteen years later, all the old feelings – of regret, dismay and disbelief – were as fresh as ever in her mind. Her first love had ended in desperate heartbreak and it had been her own fault.
‘I’m sorry,’ she said.
‘I know.’ Shay nodded.
The crime had never been solved; Red Mason had continued to maintain that it hadn’t been him, but plenty of people nevertheless assumed he’d been the one behind the burglary.
‘And I don’t blame you for being so angry with me.’ She wasn’t about to stir up the argument about her deep conviction that he’d been hiding something. ‘I should have trusted you.’
Shay nodded. ‘I overreacted, I know that now. Growing up, I loved my mum so much, I thought she’d always be there for me. Then she got ill, and I know it’s completely illogical, but when she died I suppose I felt . . . abandoned. So after that it was just me and Dad, and I loved him but he kept leaving me too. I mean, I coped, because what else could I do? And I got used to putting on a brave face, but deep down I guess I felt let down every time it happened.’ He paused, studying his hands. ‘It grew easier as I got older, though. And all the people who said I wouldn’t be able to cope, that I’d end up going the same way as my father . . . well, I really enjoyed proving them wrong. So that was great. And the better I did at school, the happier I was. Then you came along and that was pretty good too.’ He smiled briefly and met her gaze. ‘OK, maybe better than good. You made life pretty much perfect.’
Perfect. Didi had to look away. She wasn’t going to cry, she mustn’t cry, but the tightening was there in her throat.
‘Then it happened,’ Shay continued, ‘and that was it, all of a sudden everything changed. The people who’d decided I was an OK guy after all were no longer quite so sure. They thought maybe I’d been playing a good game, a clever game, just to win them over. Even if they didn’t come out and say it, I knew what they were thinking. And then there were the ones who did come out and say it. Like your father.’ He took a slow breath. ‘What with everything going on, it was a bit of a nightmare. I was OK, though; it might be grim, but I knew I could get through it, because at least I had you on my side.’
‘Oh God.’ Didi’s heart ached for the eighteen-year-old boy she’d loved.
‘Discovering you had your doubts about me too, that was what did it. All of a sudden I realised you didn’t completely trust me after all. I suppose it felt like the final kick in the teeth. First Mum, then Dad. And now this.’
He didn’t need to say any more. The silence was enough.
‘So you decided to leave me before I could leave you,’ said Didi.
Shay nodded. ‘I couldn’t deal with the idea of it happening again.’
‘I’m sorry.’
‘Hey, don’t. It was a messy situation. We were young,’ he reminded her.
‘And now we’re old.’ Well, old-ish.
‘We’ve both changed. We’re not the same people now as we were then. You’ve moved on and so have I.’
It was a statement rather than a question. Didi glanced down at her engagement ring, glittering in the reflected light of the table lamp. Aaron was her future now. Shay might have come back into her life, but he was a part of her past. Just because her thoughts and dreams were getting distracted by his return didn’t mean they meant anything. It was like spending all day looking forward to a roast dinner, then finally sitting down to eat it . . . and all of a sudden being distracted by the sight of someone tucking into perfect golden fish and chips.
Seriously, though, what would you do? You wouldn’t tip your roast dinner into the nearest bin, would you? No, of course not, you’d get on and eat it and bloody well like it.
In the bathroom, Didi checked herself out in the mirror above the sink. She splashed her face with cold water and blotted it dry. The trick was to get a grip and keep her emotions under control; talking about the past had swirled them all up like wading through a muddy pond, turning clear water opaque.
Back in the sitting room, she said, ‘Come on then, fair’s fair. You’ve seen my exes, now it’s your turn to show me yours.’
Which ended up doing the trick in more ways than one, because her attention was diverted from the traumatic break-up of thirteen years ago, and in addition, studying the photos reminded her of the calibre of girlfriend Shay had become accustomed to since then.
Actually it was a bit of a sobering experience, what with them being so incredible to look at. Didi had always been happy enough with her own appearance; she liked the fact that her eyes were hazel, her lashes were long and her nose was OK. Her mouth might be a bit wide and a couple of teeth were crooked, but didn’t that add character? Her body was good enough, too; her boobs were on the small side, as bitchy Estelle at university had so enjoyed pointing out, but at least they didn’t get in the way or give her chronic backache. Plus there was a jagged scar down her left calf and one of her toes was bent sideways, having never recovered from being broken when she’d jumped out of a window for a dare.
But overall she’d never wasted time wishing she could be taller, thinner and more like the perfect people on Instagram. Clothes were clothes, make-up was fun but not essential, and her hair was a slave to humidity, but wasn’t that the case with most hair? At least she had plenty of it.
Shay’s girlfriends, however, were in another league entirely, and unlike those Instagram photos you just knew had been filtered to death before being posted, these were in their natural state. And the girls were all the more stunning for it.
‘That’s Cara.’ Shay indicated a willowy blonde in cut-off shorts and a bright blue bikini top, her long hair shimmering like a waterfall down to the small of her back. ‘We went out together for six months.’
‘She’s so beautiful. What does she do?’ Hopefully something that proved she was a complete airhead.
‘Barrister.’
‘Right.’ Of course she was. Didi nodded politely and waited until he reached the next one, who looked like Thandie Newton only more flawless. ‘How about her?’
‘Jess? She’s an orthopaedic surgeon.’
Fuck.
‘How long were you seeing each other?’
‘Three, four months? She’s volunteering in a hospital in Syria now.’
‘Is that why you broke up?’
‘Kind of. Well, not really. It just ran its course.’ Shay scooted through more photos. ‘And this was my last girlfriend.’
‘Rebecca.’ Didi said it without thinking, then wished she hadn’t.
‘That’s right. Well remembered.’
‘In this job you need to have a good memory for names.’ She studied the photo of the gorgeous brunette with possibly the world’s most spectacular bone structure. ‘You met her in a bank, then she waited for you to come outside and asked you out on a date. Don’t tell me, she’s a world-famous research scientist.’
‘Primary school teacher actually.’ Shay sounded amused. ‘But good guess.’