“It sucks to lose your mother,” he says as he lets his head fall back on the couch.
“Sucks is a bad word for that loss. I don’t think a strong enough word exists,” I reply sadly as I squeeze his hand in mine. “I’m so sorry.”
He sighs and looks at me. “Will you please stop saying you’re sorry? You lost her too, Cowboy. If you keep blaming yourself, I’m going to disown you as my best friend,” he huffs.
I sputter in laughter. “Really? Is that even possible?”
He smiles and shakes his head. “Nah, probably not.”
“So what’d you find this time?” I ask him as I cross one leg under the other.
“Well, other than these,” he says, smiling and handing me our old Jax sets. “I found this,” he gives me a ratty-looking envelope.
“What is it?” I ask with wide eyes. “Oh my God, Aubry. Don’t tell me you had a crush on me all this time!” I squeal.
He throws his head back and laughs loudly. “Fuck, Cowboy, it took you this long to notice?” he asks amused. “I gotta step up my game!”
I laugh and roll my eyes. “Really, though, what is it?” I ask examining the envelope in my hand.
“It’s the letter that Cole gave me that time...you know, after we went to see him? At Duke?”
He sees the realization cross my face and nods along with me. “Oh,” is all I can reply. I’m not sure if I want to read this—ever.
“Well, I figured you’re together now. You won’t die if you read it. Or you can just throw it away. I didn’t want to make the decision for you.”
“You didn’t read it?” I ask surprised.
He tilts his head and gives me a look. “Of course I fucking read it. Have you met me?”
I laugh loudly, because Aubry is seriously one of the nosiest people I know.
After he leaves, I throw on a light jacket and decide to go to the park for a while. After walking around and lounging for a bit, I look at my phone and see that it’s only 3:10. I smile and type a quick text message to Cole that says I love you. I do this sometimes in the middle of the day—in hopes of getting him through a rough day. I’m not sure that it helps him, but I like to imagine his smiling face when he reads them. I press Send and lie back down on the grass. I hear a crunch in my back pocket and remember the letter. I sit back up and take it out. The envelope is unmarked. It looks like it’s been through hell and back—and in a sense, it has. I hear my phone beep Cole’s reply:
I love you to the moon and back. Sitting in a meeting scheming our epic engagement.
I laugh out loud at that before I put my phone beside me and take the letter out of the envelope. I raise my eyebrows at the sight of Cole’s messy handwriting. His penmanship has definitely gotten better over the years. I don’t know why my hands are shaking. It’s not as if this letter will change anything now. The thought doesn’t stop my heart from skipping a beat, though.
Baby,
I hope by the time you get this letter, it’s not too late. I hope that I never have to give this to you at all. I hope that tomorrow morning you come downstairs and have chocolate chip pancakes with me, like you do every morning, and tell me that breaking up with me was the stupidest thing you’ve ever done. I hope you ask me to get back together with you, because I’d do it. I’d forget about the hole that you made in my heart when you said your goodbye. I know that won’t happen though. You’re stuck in your ways—as usual. You seem to think I would be missing out on some awesome college experience if we stayed together. I fucking love you. When will you understand that? I don’t wanna see other people. There is nobody out there that will ever be what you are to me. Nobody will ever be pretty enough, smart enough, funny enough, or as big of a pain in my ass as you are. You’re the only one I want. You’re the only one I’ve ever wanted.
I hope by the time you get this you haven’t moved on—but if you have, know that I haven’t, because I’m not moving on. Ever. I don’t know how to be without you anymore. I don’t know how to wake up without your good mornings or go to sleep without your good nights. I don’t want to know what that’s like. I don’t want to not touch you when I see you during holidays. I don’t want to know what it’s like to share you with someone else. The thought of that makes me sick. I can’t share you, Blake. Please don’t make me. I hope that when you read this, you’ll be sitting next to me, rolling your beautiful big gray eyes at me. I hope that you lean over and call me out on how sappy I am for even writing this shit.
I hope you tell me that you know we can make it through four years of college, even if we are apart, because you know I wouldn’t do anything to hurt you. I hope you ask me to give up my scholarship to Duke and go to UC with you and Aubry—I’d do it in a heartbeat.
These next four years without you are going to be fucking hell for me. Please don’t make me go through them without you. Please say you’ll take me back. I love you. I love you more than anything else in this world. It’ll always be you.
I love you to the moon and back.
Cole
Through my tears, I can barely make out the last few lines. I wipe my nose with the back of my hand and look at the date on the top-right corner. August 3, 2005. My eyes widen. That was before we went to see him at Duke. That was...oh my God. My stomach turns once more. That was the day I broke up with him before we left for college. Why didn’t he tell me any of this? I close my eyes and let more tears spill out of them. I wish I could go back to that night when Aubry tried to give this to me. I shake my head. No, I don’t. Everything would have been different. Yes, we wasted a lot of time, but it was for the better. We’re together now, and nothing can break our bond. I smile at the thought while I wipe the last tears from my face and pull my hair into a ponytail.
I get up and shake off the grass stuck on my jeans before I start to walk out of the park. As I scroll through my phone to call Cole, I hear a loud sound and screams that startle me. I have the ringing phone up to my ear as I look in the direction of the screams. I feel a strong tug on my arm that causes me to lose my balance. I’m expecting it to be a rude homeless man or a drunk, anything but what I’m faced with. He’s so close, and he’s holding on to my arm. I open my mouth—about to scream, and I hear Cole answer the phone. The man covers my mouth roughly with one glove-covered hand and it feels like sandpaper.
Through my muffled screams, I can taste the mix of gasoline and metal in my mouth. I’m kicking and pulling down on his strong arms, and accidentally let my phone slip out of my hands. My frantic eyes widen as I’m dragged away from my only source of communication. I look around for Bruce. Where’s Bruce? My chest is heaving in panting breaths and I’m sweating profusely, but it has nothing to do with the sunlight that’s hitting my body. He turns my body and grips me tighter in his hold, crushing my ribs.
A carnival of dread washes over me when I see that he’s dragging me to an unmarked van. This is suddenly too familiar. Too real. Too much. He puts a gag in my mouth, and I am finally able to take a good look at him. He’s a big man, I would never stand a chance against him. He has short blond hair and one blue eye and one brown eye--made of glass. I narrow my eyes at him and curse him for being so evil. Through his glass eye, I can see the reflection of my own. My eyes look stormy, surely a reflection of what’s to come.