“And one thing led to another?” I guessed.
He rumbled a wordless affirmative. “Not right away. She stuck around Ketchikan for a while, and we’d hang out now and then. She’d come by for a new piece, always threading, and it just became a thing.” A long pause. “Emotionally, it became a thing, at least. She wanted more, and so did I. Meaning, the physical aspect. But after what had happened with Elizabeth Grace, I was sort of gun-shy when it came to women. Went out on a few daters, but nothing really…stuck. So, I was twenty, well established as a tattoo artist already and getting a rep for traditional work. And I was a virgin.” He swallowed hard after the last word. Breathed into the silence, gathering what seemed to me like the courage to keep talking. “Told her as much, and she was just…I dunno. Weirded out, I guess. But a little excited, too, oddly. I mean, she was a little older, like four years or so. More experienced, obviously. Been on her own since she was seventeen, super independent, liberated and all that. Sexually, I mean. Like she just…I dunno. Not important to my part of the story.”
“My sister Lexie is like that. Does what she wants, and if you try to slut-shame her for being bold about what she wants and how much she wants it, she’ll tear you apart. So I get it. I’m not like that, or not nearly as much.”
He nodded. “But a little bit?” he asked, glancing down at me.
I shrugged. “I’m pretty upfront about it, and I’m not concerned with what people think. The only person whose opinion ever matters to me is that of the person who I’m with, and even then, I’m not going to apologize for who I am or what I do with my body.”
“Good. How it should be.”
I peered at him. “You think so for real, or are you just saying that?”
He narrowed his eyes at me. “I never just say anything, Cass. I say it, I mean it.”
“Okay.” I met his eyes. “So if I told you that even though Rick was my only truly serious relationship, but I’ve had quite a bit of casual sex…”
He held my gaze, his eyes unwavering and honest. “What you do with your body is your business. Even if we were in a relationship, that would remain true. And what you did before you met me is part of you, part of your journey to being who you are. I like who you are. I ain’t scared of, or threatened by, or jealous of what you’ve done before we met.”
I melted, just a little bit more. “You really mean that?”
“Course,” he rumbled. “Just plain old bein’ a good person, is all. Ain’t nobody gonna say boo to me if I was to have had a hundred or a thousand girlfriends or hookups or whatever. But when a girl does the same, somehow it’s slutty. If it’s slutty for a girl, it’s slutty for a guy, plain and simple. And for either one—their body, their choice.”
“You going to ask me the number?” I asked.
He shook his head. “You wanna tell me, I wanna know. It ain’t important.”
“So you’re not a jealous person, then?”
He lifted his shoulder. “Not about the past, no. Not really into sharing or open relationships, though.”
“Me either.” I let the silence flow a minute, two. He seemed inclined to stay quiet, so I prompted him. “So. Elise?”
He growled. “We dated for three months before anything happened. Then, she started things. Started slow. Got me used to doing things to her, her to me.” A heavy pause. “It was amazing. She was real nice, real gentle. Real patient.”
“Good. Glad your first experience was nice.”
He hummed. “Well. The lead up was nice. Just touching each other, I guess. Sexual, not sex. She spent a lot of time really teaching me to understand her, what she liked. How to know if she liked it. How to make her feel good. Told me that by taking the time to really help me understand her, and thus most women, and how to make her feel good, she was doing a service to whoever else I may end up with in the future.”
My stomach flipped. “So. You’re…uhh. Good at, like, foreplay?”
He rolled a shoulder. “Dunno what you want to call it. Not really sure I want to go into graphic detail for your sake or mine, but she told me, and swore on her ancestors and her tattoos and her camera—all the things she held most sacred—that I was better than anyone she’d ever been with at making her…you know. Feel good. Get there, you know. Quick, or slow.”
I swallowed, face heating, core tightening. “Wow. And you said she was pretty experienced?”
He nodded again. “Yeah. She knew what she was doing.”
I licked my lips, pressed my thighs together. Swallowed hard. “Very interesting.”
“What?” He must’ve caught the tightness in my voice, even in the whisper.
I shook my head. “Nothing.”
“Don’t nothin’ me, Cass.”
I stared up at him. “Fine, then. You want to know what I’m thinking?”
“Yeah, I do.”
“I’m thinking that I’m really, really…interested…to experience for myself what you’re…capable of.” I pressed against him, so my breasts were crushed against his chest.
He gazed down at me. Eyes were deep and wild and inscrutable, and I felt him breathing hard, deep. “Best listen to the rest before you decide that.”
“Did you rape her?”
He flinched as if struck. “What? Fuck no!”
“Did you beat her up?”
“No, Cassie, I did not.” His voice was angry and tight.
“Did you intentionally physically, mentally, or emotionally abuse her or hurt her?”
“No.” A pause. “She got hurt, but it was an accident.” His voice was so tight it sounded close to snapping.
“Hurt how?” I shook my head. “Wait a minute, though. My point in asking is that is the only reason I’d be hesitant about anything with you…if you’d intentionally, out of malice or cruelty, hurt her.”
“I didn’t.”
I snuggled closer. “Then no matter what happened, I’m not afraid of you. Or your past.”
He sighed, deeply, painfully. “Like I said, you’d best hear me out.”
“Okay, continue.”
“We, uh. We messed around like that, what she called teaching me, for a while. Few weeks, a month or two maybe. I think finally her patience with waiting for actual sex wore out, and she decided it was time. But she told me she wanted to take a backseat from then on, in terms of who was in charge, was how she put it. In charge. Meaning, she didn’t want to be…the aggressor, I guess. Starting things. She wanted me to do that.”
I nodded. “I get that.”
“Okay. Well. She said she wanted us to move to the next step. But when I was ready. And that when I was ready, I should lead the way.” He sighed, swallowed hard. “I was nervous, I guess. I waited, thought about it. Made sure I was ready. I mean, I hadn’t been, like, waiting for a specific reason, you know? Like, I wasn’t saving myself for marriage. I just was…scared of getting hurt again. Rejected. Elise had made it pretty obvious she wasn’t going to reject me, so I felt comfortable going for it.”
A long, long pause.