“Why?”
“Because my brother isn’t being very smart.”
The light turns green, but the car in front of us doesn’t move. Ares touches the horn and, without thinking, I take hold of the door handle and I’m about to open it when his hand closes over my knee just a little harder than it needs to be.
“I wouldn’t do that,” he says.
A moment later, traffic begins to move, and he moves with it. He shifts his gaze to the road, and I study him in profile, his expression hard. He and Hayden may be identical twins but right now, he doesn’t look anything like him.
37
Hayden
“Get these off of me,” I tell my father once the EMTs have taken Jonas out of the room and we’re alone. I’m still cuffed to the chair.
“Not yet. Not until you’re calm.”
“Fuck you.”
“You think I wanted this?” His lips are tight. “I loved that little girl like she was my own.”
“And we all know how well that keeps turning out. Did you know all along?”
He shakes his head. “What kind of monster do you think I am?”
“I don’t know. You tell me.”
“I found out a few months ago…Christ. To see it…” he glances at the photo, rubs the back of his neck.
I remember the argument I overheard him and my grandfather having the night of the fire. Remember how my grandfather had said something about that filth being allowed to enter his house.
“Did Grandfather know? Is that what you were arguing about that night?”
“I don’t know. Maybe.” He shakes his head. “We didn’t get that far. He hated both Jonas and Nora. Never accepted them as part of his family. Blood mattered to that old man. And that’s all that mattered.” The look in his eyes when he meets my gaze again is harder. Like how I look at him. “You didn’t know him. I did. I know what he was capable of. What he’d do for his own blood. What he did do when your mother wanted to take you and Ares away.”
“What does that mean? What did he do?”
“Your mother didn’t walk away like he wanted everyone to believe. She would never have abandoned you or Ares. She loved you.” He pulls at his hair again and I hear him mutter a curse.
“What the hell are you saying?”
He shakes his head. “Ancient history. Everyone involved is dead and gone. Dust. Let them lie,” he says through his teeth, like he’s just barely keeping it together. “You hate me, and you have every right to, but I grew up with a monster too.”
We stare at each other for a long, weighted minute.
“Sir?” One of the security guards enter. “You want us to take him?”
“Just uncuff him.”
“Sir—”
“Do it and go,” he tells the guards, sounding weary. He walks to the window, one hand on his hip, the other rubbing the back of his neck.
Once I’m free, I stand. I look out the window too, watch the blinking lights of the ambulance disappear and something tells me not to ask what he means. Because I think whatever it is might change the past and I can’t have any more of that.
“Why did you stop me?”
He turns to me and he looks a mess. Like he’s aged ten years in the last ten minutes. He shakes his head, moves to the nearest chair and sits down.
“I thought it was Abbot. I thought he was the one who’d gotten Nora pregnant.” He struggles with the last word. “But then, after Jonas and Percy got engaged, that’s when I found out the truth. He threatened Jonas. Told him to walk away from his daughter or he’d expose him. Said he had proof. Jonas came to me then. Told me.”
“And you protected him?”
He looks up at me. “What could I do? She was dead and gone. And you don’t know how he was. How messed up—”
“Oh, I know how messed up he is. How sick.”
“I’m sorry,” he starts, suddenly breaking down into sobs. “I’m so fucking sorry. I’m sorry for all of it.”
I stop because I have no clue what to do or how to react. I’ve never seen my father shed a single tear. Right now, he looks like a broken man.
But a few minutes later, he manages to pull himself together, at least a little. “I was young when I became a father.”
“Is that your excuse?”
“No. I have no excuse. I’m sorry for what I did to you. I’m sorry I was a shit father to you and Ares.”
“If you want me to tell you it’s okay or you think you’re somehow going to clear your conscience, then save your breath, old man.”
He looks at me, shakes his head. “I don’t say it to alleviate my guilt. I am guilty. And I live with the knowledge of what I did to you and your brother daily.”
I grit my teeth, this admission causing a lump to form in my throat.
“I fucked up with you and I’m just glad I didn’t fuck you up completely.”
“Who says you didn’t? I’ve made it my life’s mission to destroy you.”
“That’s only after Nora. How long have you known about Jonas?” he asks.
“I thought it was Abbot. I thought that old man was raping her. I only found out today about Jonas.”
“They’re not related by blood—”
I’m at the desk in an instant and I slam both fists into it. “Don’t you fucking dare!”
He doesn’t recoil. Just sits there looking defeated and pathetic. Not the man who raised me with an iron fist. Two iron fists.
“She was going to be my redemption,” he starts, pulling his hands away from his face, his eyes red and puffy, complexion blotchy. “She was older when I took her in. Had been through some pretty bad shit. ‘Not adoptable’ is what the case worker told us. Three homes had sent her back. Bad news. They tried to talk us out of it and Carry was against it. She wanted a baby, a toddler maybe. Someone she could raise and mold. But me, I wanted someone I could help. Someone whose life I could make better after I fucked so royally with you and your brother.”
I remember he’d stopped drinking by the time he adopted Nora. Maybe the year before.
“They never did tell us what it was. Abuse, sexual and physical, abandonment issues. But there was more. There was a mention of sealed records and I know there was an older sibling, a brother who had died, but I never did find out what it was. Something was never right about her. As sweet as she was, there was a darkness she battled, and I think she was more troubled than I ever knew. She never trusted anyone, not really, not fully. I think if she had, she’d be here today. If she hadn’t felt like she had to battle her demons alone.” He shakes his head. “I didn’t do right by her, either, did I? Not by any of you.”
Fuck.
In all these years, this wasn’t what I expected from my father. It’s easier to hate someone when you know they’re evil. But looking at him now, he just looks old and tired and sad.
“I need to get out of here,” I say, my voice hoarse and thick as I take a step toward the door.
“There’s one more thing, Hayden. Something you should know.”