Opening the door, I walk to the front of my truck and stand in front of my once home. This trailer was where I was raised and where my dreams went to die. The only fond memories I associate with this place are the ones involving Jordy.
When I think of my mom and the deadbeat losers she brought here, I clench my fists by my side. After a few minutes, Bull stands by me. He doesn’t say a word, but that’s okay because I came here to exorcise my demons as well as his.
“It’s funny how when I was younger, this place was my whole world. It looked so big, but now, I see it for what it is—nothing.”
He still doesn’t speak.
“Not what you were expecting?” I ask, unable to keep the mockery from my tone. I want Bull to see that whatever secrets he guards, I can handle it. I’m not a princess who needs protecting, contrary of him coming to my aid time and time again.
“I’m the last person to judge,” he finally says.
Swallowing down my nerves, I confess, “I brought you here because I wanted to share a part of myself with you. And I hope one day, you’ll do the same.”
I’m not expecting anything in return, but I should know by now that I should expect the unexpected whenever Bull is involved. “What if you don’t like what you see?” he asks honestly.
Turning my head, I look at him, really look at him, and see that beneath his hard exterior lies a broken man. “I’ve liked what I’ve seen so far.”
He meets my eyes with nothing but sheer confusion in his. “Why?”
“Why do I like you?” I question, shocked and saddened by his uncertainty.
He nods once, jaw clenched tight.
Sighing, I direct my attention back to the trailer. “Because you’re the first person who has treated me like a human being and not a thing. I don’t know anything about you, but I want to. I know you want me to be afraid of you…but I’m not.”
“You should be,” he says with grave sincerity. “I’m not a good person.” But his warning falls on deaf ears.
I decide to share something with him that I haven’t with a lot of people. “We’re the same, Bull.” Before he has a chance to argue or scoff, I continue. “Both guarded and afraid of letting anyone in. I don’t know what your reason is or what secrets you keep, but mine is…Jordy isn’t my cat.”
Filling my lungs with air, I confess, “Jordy is my son.”
I have zero regrets for sharing this with Bull. After seeing his contact list, I think Bull needs a friend. And friends share stuff like their kids with each other. I’m not expecting anything in return, but it feels good to share this with him.
“Which is why I have been thinking about Carlos’s offer. Not only would the extra money help, but I’m all Jordy has. I have no idea who my dad is. My mom and brother may as well be lost to me. If something were to happen to me, Jordy would be all alone.” I rub my arms, chilled by the bitter wind as well as the thought of my son being an orphan.
“He’s my whole life, and everything I do is for him. I work two jobs because his school isn’t cheap. I hate not being able to spend more time with him, but I want to provide for him in a way my mother didn’t for me.”
Now that I’ve opened up, I can’t seem to stop sharing.
“Jordy is a…difficult kid. When my brother left, it took a toll on us both. Christopher was never a saint, but he was good to me. Jordy never knew his dad, Michael, so Christopher was the only male in his life. I know Jordy idolizes his father, even though he doesn’t know him. It’s hard to compete with a ghost.”
“What happened to Jordy’s dad?” Bull asks when I finally take a breath.
Swallowing down my sadness, I reply, “He left. I have no idea where he is. When I told him I was pregnant, he was so happy, but it was all bullshit. A week later, Christopher told me he left town.”
Clenching my fists, I chase the tears away. “He didn’t even have the balls to say goodbye. I was sixteen, pregnant by my brother’s best friend, and all alone. Jordy wants to know who his dad is, but how do you tell your son his father was a deadbeat loser who wasn’t man enough to stick around?”
I leave crescent moons in my palms from clenching my hands so tight. This is the first time I’ve told anyone this. Bae knows the basics, but I haven’t gone into detail because I was never comfortable sharing this with anyone…until now.
“But I suppose I wasn’t worth sticking around for,” I whisper with regret. “I’m a loner by choice. The less people I let into my life, the less chance there is for me to get hurt. I have a couple of friends, but even then, I missed out on college and doing all the things teenagers do because I was raising a kid. If Jordy’s dad hadn’t left, I can’t help but think how different my life would have been. Would I have followed my dreams of studying dance and going to some fancy school? My teacher, and now boss, seems to think I had the potential to get that far. But all of that had to be put on hold because I chose to have my child instead.”
The tears I’ve tried so hard to keep at bay push past the floodgates. “You think you’re a bad person, but deep down, we’re all bad. Late at night, when I’m lying in bed, I can’t help but wonder if I made the right decision,” I whisper, ashamed. “I love Jordy so much. But the person I am now compared to who I thought I would be are so different. Sometimes, I feel as if there are two versions of me. And I don’t know who I like more. What sort of person, what sort of mother does that make me?
“What sort of sister does it make me for going behind my brother’s back when I knew it would hurt him? He did everything for me, and I thank him by sleeping with his best friend.”
Casting my eyes downward, I hide behind my hair because I’m embarrassed for confessing such truths. I wouldn’t blame Bull if he never spoke to me again. But what he does next has my heart—my untouched, mutilated heart—beating a little quicker.
Gently prying my fingers open, he places a rock in my palm. “It makes you human. Take back your life. It’s yours and no one else’s.”
Peering down at our union, with his hand overlapping mine, I fall deeper under his spell. How can someone shake everything I worked so hard for beyond repair?
Squeezing my hand, he severs our connection while I clench the rock. This trailer imprisons my memories within its rusty walls. It’s time I set them free.
With a guttural cry, I throw the rock, breaking the only remaining window. The sound unleashes something dark and sinister within me, and I scream. Frantically scanning the ground, I pick up another rock, not content until I smash out the rest of the window.
Once it’s shattered, an unstoppable force has me gathering rock after rock and hurling them one by one at the trailer. Each time I hear the dull thud of metal, a small part of me stitches itself back to my soul.
I’m covered in sweat, adrenaline coursing through me, but I can’t stop. Each strike has me screaming in victory, and Bull’s words make perfect sense. This is my life. No one else’s but mine. Wishing for a better life doesn’t make me a shitty person. It makes me human.
With one final launch, I tear a hole through the flimsy metal wall. The blood gushes in my veins, and I’m currently a live wire as I breathlessly turn to look at Bull. He stands on the sidelines without an ounce of judgment reflected in those amazing eyes.