“Rose,” I supplied.
“Right. She okay?”
“She is. Grounded, I believe, but physically fine. You saved her. We never could have found her without you.”
He grunted a reply that I couldn’t interpret.
“I’m sorry I couldn’t do more for you,” I said softly, spitting it out before I lost whatever time I had with him.
His gaze jerked toward mine. “More what?”
Shit.
“The DNR,” I reminded him. “The judge denied us. Do you remember?”
His brow furrowed. “I remember Walt telling me the judge’s decision. But I know you did what you could. You opened the mine, for Christ’s sake. Took on Judge Bradley and won him over, from what I remember.”
“It wasn’t enough.” I shifted my weight and crossed my arms over my chest.
“Cam, you can’t control the choices other people make. You do the best you can, and then it’s out of your hands.”
My gaze drifted to Sullivan’s stone.
“And what happens when you make the wrong choice?” I arched my neck slightly to ease the tightening sensation in my throat. “What happens when you’re standing in the mine and you have to choose left or right in a split second with no way to justify your choice?”
“You went left and found the girl. Why are you beating yourself up? It worked out in the end.”
Willow chose left. I followed her.
“I made a decision just like that. Two men stepped forward, I pointed to the guy on the left, and Sullivan died.”
Dad sucked in a breath. “Camden…”
“I want you to know what happened that day, but not for the reasons you think. I’m starting to realize you can’t give me absolution, if that’s what you’re worried about. What I need you to know is that while I’m responsible for Sully’s death, I didn’t know it was his squad leader I chose.” I closed my eyes against the barrage of imagery in my head. Sullivan’s smile, his laugh, his eyes going vacant as he bled out. “I didn’t know.” My voice dropped to a whisper.
For a long moment, the only sounds were the rustling leaves above us and the faint whirl of the wind.
“We made a deal when you came back.”
My eyes flew open at Dad’s comment, and my stomach clenched. “We did, but I’m not holding you to it. I want you to listen, but I won’t force you.” As much as I knew I deserved to be heard, my father deserved to make his own choice in the matter. Sullivan was his son.
“Tell me what happened.”
With Sullivan only a few feet away, I did.
“We got the call that an outpost was in serious danger of being overrun, and we went. We landed under heavy fire, and it was a shit show on the ground. A new company had just rotated in the month before, and from what we’d seen from the air, they were vastly outnumbered. Our team split to accomplish different objectives. Once my commander relayed what we’d seen to that company’s commander, I was ordered to take a squad with another operator—they couldn’t spare a whole platoon—to reinforce the section of the perimeter we’d seen was about to fall. I’m talking minutes, not hours.”
The smell of gunfire filled my nose, and even though I told myself it was all in my head, my heart rate picked up.
“Two squad leaders answered their captain’s request. They stepped forward, and I pointed to the guy on the left and told him we needed to move.” I’d gone over the memory so many times in my head, and yet I still found myself searching for any sign that I’d missed Sullivan at that point. “He pulled his guys off the line, and we ran.”
I glanced Dad’s way to see that he was focused on Sullivan’s stone but appeared to be listening, so I forged ahead.
“I go over it in my head a lot,” I admitted. “More than the psych guys would want, at least. That moment, had I picked the sergeant on the right, Sullivan wouldn’t have been shot.”
Dad flinched.
“The next opportunity I had was when we ran. I let their sergeant lead the way because he knew the outpost better, of course, but I kept up with him step for step as his men followed and Vasquez brought up the rear. If we’d traded places, maybe I would have recognized the way he ran.” I cleared my throat as it tightened again. “We spread out along the wall and began returning fire.” I skipped over the details. “A few minutes later, I heard Vasquez call for a medic. I can still hear him calling, to be completely honest. I don’t even know why I looked, but I did.”
I turned my head and waited until my dad’s eyes met mine.
“It was Sullivan. He was standing there with those wide eyes of his, holding on to his neck while blood…” I closed my eyes and took another deep breath. “I screamed his name and ran as fast as I could, but I barely made it there in time to catch him as he fell. Ten feet. That’s all that had separated us. Ten fucking feet.”
“Was it quick?” Dad asked, his voice thick.
“Just a couple minutes.”
“And he wasn’t alone?” The last word broke.
“I was with him the entire time. He knew it was me. There was nothing I could do.” I made the realization as the words slipped free. “I’ve spent six years reliving those moments, and once he’d been shot, there really was nothing I could do but stay with him. And I did. I stayed with him through transport and through Dover and didn’t leave his side until we laid him next to Mom.”
Tears blurred my vision, but I saw Dad swipe at his face.
“I loved Sullivan, Dad. I would have traded places with him in a heartbeat. God knows I did my best to join him in the years that followed. I never would have chosen his squad if I’d known. Hell, I would have sat on his stubborn ass in the middle of that outpost, far from the wall. I made the choices that killed him, but I didn’t know. I didn’t know.”
I couldn’t say how long we stood there, but the afternoon sun had shifted by the time Dad spoke.
“You might not want my absolution, Camden, but you have it.”
My knees weakened, and I swayed.
“Were you a part of his death? Yes, but only in the way a cog moves the hands of the clock.” His jaw ticked as his gaze met mine briefly. “The truth is that while it was easier to levy the blame on you, we all made choices that led to his death. I let him enlist—not that I could have stopped him. I think about that every day. That boy worshipped the ground you walked on. He wanted to be just like you. Even fell for the same girl.”
“He would have been better for her,” I admitted.