“We aren’t interested in acting in any of Gozeriam’s porn vids,” Stone snapped. “We heard there were openings for a botanist to work in the labs where he grows and develops his aphrodisiacs and a position in the royal corps of body-guards. Those are the jobs we’re looking to fill.”
“Oh, yes. Yes, indeed!” The pig-man nodded eagerly. “But, forgive me, my Lord Kindred, I do fear that Xempi Gozeriam will not be interested in hiring you for such a position, as all his guards are female.”
“That’s going to be my job,” Cassie told him. “I’m the one who’s going to apply for the guard position.”
“You are?” The pig-man looked so surprised that Cassie was offended.
“Do you think I can’t do it?” she demanded. “I’m a detective first-class on my own planet.”
“My partner can handle guarding Xempi Gozeriam, with no problems,” Stone assured their contact, backing her up to Cassie’s gratification.
“Well, there may be one small problem.” Pocker frowned, wrinkling his snout. “Though, I guess you might not find it a problem. Different peoples view things differently, though I always thought that the Kindred were very possessive of their females.”
“What are you talking about? What problem?” Cassie asked, raising an eyebrow.
“Why, the problem—if you choose to call it a problem— is that the private guard of Xempi Gozeriam are not simply bodyguards—they are also his personal whores.”
“His what?” Stone’s voice was a muted roar. “What in the Seven Hells are you talking about?”
“I am talking of the fact that Xempi Gozeriam penetrates all of his guards multiple times a night—sometimes all at once,” the pig-man said matter-of-factly. “Also, he never allows them to leave his service.”
“But…but I heard he wasn’t even humanoid!” Cassie protested. “Somebody told me he was a, uh, Slimerian, I think.”
“Oh, so he is!” Pocker nodded vigorously. “Which means that he can exude pseudo slime-shafts from anywhere on his body. These he uses to penetrate his guards—in all available orifices, I might add.”
“But that’s…that’s horrible,” Cassie exclaimed.
“Completely unacceptable,” Stone growled. “My partner is not to be penetrated.”
“Don’t get mad at the messenger!” the pig-man snorted indignantly. “You should be thanking poor Pocker for warning you before you had to spread your cracks and crevices for the slime-shafts of his Greatness.”
“He has a point,” Cassie said reluctantly, looking at Stone. “But what are we going to do now? We can’t both apply for the lab—I’m no good at science. I wouldn’t have the first idea of what to do.”
“There is only one position open for the lab, anyway,” Pocker said.
“Well, are there currently any other, uh, job openings in the palace? Preferably something that would give us the run of the place,” Cassie asked him.
But their contact shook his head.
“Alas there are very few non-actor jobs, as of the latest postings, which went up earlier today. And before you ask, new postings will not be up for another solar month.”
“That’s too long to wait,” Stone said, frowning. “We must find The Beast and bring him to justice before he leaves the palace and hurts any other females.”
“Oh, The Beast? You have an interest in him?” The pig-man’s tiny eyes widened. “I saw him come in just recently. He’s rumored to be the favorite of his Slimefullness just now. I would imagine he dines at the head table every night.”
“There—you see? He’s already inside!” Cassie exclaimed. “We have to find a way to get in without anyone suspecting. But how?”
Stone frowned thoughtfully.
“You talked about the palace’s job listings,” he said to the pig-man. “Where can we find them?”
“Oh, that’s easy enough, my Lord Kindred,” their contact said eagerly. “If you have access to the Ether-net, you can look them up.”
Stone moved back to the control panel.
“Tell me what to enter.”
The pig-man rattled off a series of numbers and letters and soon enough, a listing popped up on the viewscreen. It was written in some alien language with lots of squiggly, unfamiliar characters, but Cassie found that after a moment, the characters resolved themselves into English words she could read just fine. Thanks again, no doubt, to the translation bacteria.
“Look,” she said excitedly. “There’s a position—Head Chef. What about that one, Stone?”
“I can cook enough to take care of my female—if I ever Claim her—but I doubt my culinary skills are up to the challenge of running an industrial-sized kitchen,” Stone said dryly. “Are yours?”
“Well, I mean, I helped with my sister’s wedding, that was a pretty big job,” Cassie began doubtfully.
“Can either of you cook Slimerian cuisine?” Pocker asked cautiously. “Word has it that his Greatness, Xempi Gozeriam, had his last chef executed because he burned the blarba grubs and did not allow the lousen slime to congeal to the correct consistency.”
“No, we don’t,” Stone said shortly.
“And it sounds disgusting,” Cassie added.
“I’m afraid that neither of you had better apply for the Head Chef position, then,” Pocker said, shaking his head.
“Too bad.” Cassie sighed. “Um…what about that one?” She pointed to the screen. “Tirano trainer. What’s that?”
“Are you well versed in Zodor death porn?” Pocker asked. “They are a species who find it most erotic to have sexual congress with a beast which might eat them at any time. The tirano trainer is one who minds the giant predatory lizards which are the stars of many of their pornographic scenarios.”
“Giant predatory lizards?” Cassie asked faintly. She couldn’t help thinking of pictures of the Tyrannosaurus Rex from Earth. Who would be crazy enough to try and have sex with something like that?
“I believe the last tirano trainer was eaten,” the pig-man told her. “Just last week during the filming of a particularly sensual scene. He and the star of the show were both bitten in two at the moment of orgasm—it was considered an erotic triumph! But of course, now they have need of a new trainer.”
“We won’t be applying for that position, either,” Stone said dryly. “What about this one?” He pointed to the screen. “Aqueous tank cleaner? There are two positions listed there.”
“That would be in the west wing of the palace, where all the water-based pornography is filmed for aqueous-living societies,” Pocker told them. “Alas, the job is performed completely underwater. Unless you are able to hold your breath for hours at a time, or the two of you have gills which are not presently visible, I do not believe you will be considered for the open positions in the tank.”
“Well that’s it for service-based jobs,” Cassie said, throwing up her hands. “The only thing left is this list of actors wanted for different kinds of porn.” She pointed to a long list at the bottom of the screen.