I turned on the faucet and started brushing my teeth. Jess gave me an incredulous look, her brown eyes wide as she gaped at me. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
Vera’s mother hurt her over and over and over again. And every single time, Vera forgave her. It was a toxic, never-ending cycle that I wanted nothing to do with. Even if we somehow moved past this, I knew I would just hurt her again. I was too fucked up to make this work. Eventually, I’d become just like Lilah, abusing the privilege of Vera’s gentle, unconditional love for the sake of my own ego and selfish needs.
I spit my toothpaste out and wiped my mouth. “Just drop it, okay?”
Jess shook her head. “Oh no, you don’t. If you won’t go to her, then I’ll just bring her here.”
“I wouldn’t bother. I’ll just send her away. And I won’t be nice about it either.”
Jess was always picking at my scabs, refusing to let me just sit with a decision. Most of the time, I appreciated her tenacity. Jess was brave, hard-hitting, and determined. She didn’t let me wallow in self-pity, and she sure as hell didn’t let me go on nuclear self-destructive benders. But right now, I didn’t want her invasive opinions. I’d made up my mind, and I was going to stick to it—for Vera’s sake.
She pressed on, blocking the bathroom exit with her body when I moved to leave. “Martyr shit. This is some fucked up martyr shit, Hamilton. You like Vera. So what if you lied? Apologize, do better, and move on with your motherfucking life. She’s Sycamore Tree, Hamilton. Not to mention, Vera might be the only girl I’ve ever liked for you. Win her back. Easy.”
I let out a huff. Jess made it seem so simple. Sure, I could probably win Vera back. My girl was sympathetic, empathetic, compassionate, and loving. Her heart was an endless well the rest of the world liked to drink from. If I wanted her back in my bed by tonight, I probably could have her. I didn’t mean that to sound cocky or assuming. She was a forgiving soul, and it was one of the things that immediately drew me in about her. But it was the moving on with my life part that made me stop dead in my tracks. How long until I was fucking up again? How long until I ruined shit and had to ask for her forgiveness?
Being arrogant was a lonely battle.
“I didn’t like her that much,” I lied with bitter, false acceptance, the taste of it like gunpowder on my tongue. The truth was, I liked her too much. Hell, I loved Vera Garner and wanted to spend all day wrapped up in her mind. She was too good for me—and too damn good for this fucked up family. I used her as a pawn, and there was no coming back from that. Even if Vera was willing to forgive me, I struggled with forgiving myself.
Jess was pissed, her words booming at me. “That’s some bullshit. I’ve never seen you like this. I know you care about Vera. Pull your head out of your ass and go get your girl, Hamilton!” Jess stomped her combat boots on the linoleum floor. Her tantrum made me want to smile. My best friend was loyal to a fault, and if she had to choose, she would always choose me. But Jess liked Vera. She didn’t just want things to work out for my sake.
“So I can just hurt her again? You didn’t see her fucking face, Jess. She risked it all for me, and I took advantage of that. Vera was devastated. She got this defeated look in her eyes. Like, the flickering light went completely out. A struck match in a motherfucking hurricane. It stuck with me. I’ve only seen her like that one other time: when her mother showed up, bloodied and blue on my doorstep. I’m not going to be another person in her life that makes her feel like shit. I’m not going to ruin the girl I love.”
Jess’s expression softened. She reached out and awkwardly wrapped me in a hug. I let her, mostly because I needed it. “Hamilton. You aren’t going to ruin her.” Jess squeezed me one more time before pulling away and looking up at me. “You made a mistake. The difference between you and her monster of a mother is that you feel remorse. I mean, fuck, bro, you look like shit. And you’re torn up about this. I know you. I know you better than anyone in this fucking world.” She chewed on her lip ring for a moment, then shrugged. “I think Vera needs you. I think you challenge her. I don’t trust Joseph. And if I were you, I’d put aside the martyr bullshit to protect your girl. If you accept defeat, you’re just delivering her and Lilah to Joseph with a bow.”
I clenched my jaw and looked at the ground. Jess was right. I couldn’t just walk away. I had to figure out a way to protect Vera from the disaster that was my family while keeping my distance. “Are you going to keep blocking me in?” I asked. Jess was a pain in the ass when she wanted to be. It was one of the many reasons why I loved her so goddamn much.
“Are you going to keep pretending like you don’t love that girl?” Jess asked before crossing her arms over her chest. I frowned at her.
“Fuck you, Jess,” I said before dropping my boxers and spinning around to get in the shower.
“You can’t run from this!” my best friend sang on an exhale as I turned on the shower and got inside. Hot water poured over my skin, warming me from the inside out. Though the water felt good, my pulsing veins still ached. I needed coffee. And pain killers. “Stop ignoring me, Hamilton.”
After quickly washing my hair, I grabbed my shower gel and ran it over my abs just as Jess yanked open the shower curtain and glared at me. “If you wanted a show, you just had to ask,” I replied in such a sleazy way that I internally cringed at my words.
“Shut the fuck up and call me after you’ve shaved your asscrack, motherfucker,” Jess answered before pressing her lips into a fine line and staring at me. I waited. And waited. We had a silent, naked standoff.
It was me who eventually caved.
“What? Can we please just move on? I’m done having this conversation,” I growled before rinsing off.
“I just think you’re making a huge mistake—an even bigger mistake than using her to get back at your brother. Hell, I thought this whole Saint thing was fucked up from the beginning.” That pissed me off. I shut off the water and grabbed a nearby towel. “You weren’t saying that when you suggested we stage everything at Infinity’s show so her band could get some free PR,” I snapped back before drying off.
“Yeah, well, that was before I got to know Vera. I thought we were screwing over the Beauregards, not ruining some innocent chick’s life. You should have been honest with her before it snowballed this far.”
I slammed my palm on the wall and yelled. “You think I don’t know that? You think I don’t know that I used her in the worst possible way and that I didn’t just lie once, but I lied every fucking time we were together—every time we fucked—every time I got closer and closer? Figure out what you want, Jess, because one second, you’re telling me to show up at her doorstep with some flowers and a goddamn smolder so I can collect her forgiveness like it’s Halloween candy, and then the next minute you’re telling me that I’m complete shit for lying to her. You’re proving my point.”
“And what is your point exactly?” Jess asked.
“I don’t want Vera’s forgiveness. I hurt her, Jess. I fucking hurt her. I don’t deserve Vera,” I said, my tone defeated.
Jess finally let me pass, and I marched over to my bedroom, where my sheets were still messed up from the last time Vera spent the night. Where the smell of her clung to every inch of the space. Where her clothes lay crumbled in a pile on the floor. Where her handwritten notes for class sat on my dresser.