Ben straightens up, keeping a firm hold of Rowan’s hand as his glassy eyes meet mine. He looks how I feel, and I’m glad to see it. I’m glad to know that cold veneer he hides behind shields genuine emotion. Right now, he’s feeling the magnitude of this moment as much as I am.
My heart is mincemeat behind my rib cage. A shredded mess barely sustaining my life force. My knees buckle, and I’m seconds away from losing all control.
“Why don’t we start with the art room,” Ben suggests, smiling down at his son. Rowan needs no further encouragement, dragging him forward. Unspoken words pass between Ben and I as Rowan tugs him into the house, chatting away, oblivious to the almost crippling emotion threatening to bring his parents to their knees.
“You go ahead,” I croak, leaning against the wall in the hall. “I’ll be right there.”
Ben glances at me, opening his mouth like he wants to say something, but I shake my head, smiling as I fight tears, urging him to go with his son. He’s used to containing his emotions, so I know he’ll keep it together in a way I’m incapable of.
“I just need a minute,” I mouth.
Leo exchanges some hushed words with Alesso before slipping quietly into the house. He tips his head in acknowledgment at me as he moves past, following Ben and Rowan. A strangled sob escapes my lips the second they turn the corner out of my sight, and I clamp a hand over my aching chest.
“Is everything okay?” Alesso asks, stepping into the hallway.
Tears stream down my face as I offer him a watery smile. I can barely speak over the lump in my throat. “I imagined this sometimes,” I rasp in between choking sobs. “On rare occasions when I indulged stupid fantasies.” I stare at him through blurry eyes, my chest heaving with raw emotion. “But nothing could’ve prepared me for seeing them together.” My heart aches with a mixture of happiness and pain.
Watching Rowan with his father is indescribable. All thoughts of the kind of man Ben is fade from my mind. In this moment, he is just a father meeting his son for the first time, and I’m drowning in wave after wave of self-loathing. “How could I deprive my son of his father? How could I deny Ben all the precious moments he has missed?” I voice the questions out loud even though I’m talking to myself. Right now, I kind of hate myself despite the voice in my ear telling me my motives were pure and it was never my intention to hurt either one of them.
It doesn’t exonerate me though. Like being Rowan’s dad doesn’t exonerate Ben of all the blood on his hands.
I’m a certifiable mess, and my head is anything but clear. My emotions veer like crazy, bouncing from one emotion to the next, as I grapple with what is right and what is wrong. And does it even matter now? It’s not like Ben or I can change the past. The only thing that matters is how we move forward, and I’m determined to do that with my son as the sole priority.
I’m openly crying. That ugly snotty crying no one likes admitting to. But I don’t care that Alesso can see. I’m beyond that point. Alesso looks like a deer caught in the headlights. He has no clue what to do with the blubbering female in front of him. A hysterical laugh cuts between the sobs as I watch his confusion.
Tentatively, he places his hand on my shoulder. “I know you had justifiable reasons, but you should know Ben is a good man, Sierra. He’ll be a good father to Rowan.”
It is not as simple as that, but I nod, unable to explain the confusion fogging my brain. Silent tears roll down my face as I peer into Alesso’s concerned eyes. Out of the corner of my eye, I spot Leo lurking behind the wall that connects the living room to the hallway, and I wonder if he’s been listening this whole time. Right now, I’m too emotional to care. I honestly didn’t think I’d react like this, but it’s no real surprise. My head has been in a tailspin since Friday night.
“Don’t cry,” Alesso adds, wiping my tears away with his thumbs. “You have nothing to fear.”
I clutch his shoulders for support as he continues wiping the tears from under my eyes. “I am afraid,” I whisper, staring into his warm brown eyes. I haven’t even known Alesso forty-eight hours, but there is something solid and steady about him that makes me trust and confide in him. “I’m afraid of everything changing. Afraid of Rowan hating me when he finds out I kept his father from him. Afraid of Ben taking him from me. Afraid of nameless, faceless enemies wanting their pound of Mazzone flesh and coming after me and my son. Afraid that no matter what we do, there is no way to keep Rowan out of the mafia world. He’ll be sucked in, whether we like it or not. I don’t want that life for my son!”
“Ssh. Ssh” Alesso pushes a few stray strands of hair out of my face. “It will be okay. It will all work out. I promise.”
I stare at him, wondering if he truly believes that. If I can believe it. His hand stalls on my cheek, and it’s only now I realize how close we are pressed together and how inappropriate it is.
“What exactly is going on here?” Ben growls, and my eyes widen in alarm as I turn my head. Unrestrained rage shoots from his eyes like laser beams as he stares at Alesso. “Get the fuck away from her right now,” he snaps, approaching like a tsunami hell-bent on destruction.
23
BEN
I can barely see over the red rage blinding my eyes as I stalk toward Sierra and Alessandro. Wisely, he has stepped back, putting distance between them, but I saw enough. Jesus fucking Christ. Has she already cast a spell on him? I know she’s desirable and easy to fall for, but it hasn’t even been a day and a half, and she’s already ensnared my most loyal soldier?
Rowan is in the bathroom, but he won’t be long, so I make this quick. Grabbing Alessandro by the throat, I shove him up against the wall. He doesn’t protest or fight, understanding he is in the wrong. “You are lucky my son is in the house, or I’d put a bullet through your skull.”
“I’m sorry, boss. I was out of line, but it won’t happen again.”
Sierra tugs on my arm. “Let him go. It wasn’t how it seemed. Alesso was only comforting me when I got overwhelmed.”
“Alesso?” I bark, enraged she has a pet name for him already. I squeeze Alessandro’s neck more firmly, enjoying the rasping sounds slipping involuntarily from his mouth.
Leo chuckles, and I whip my head around, glaring at him. I am in no mood for humor.
Sierra tugs on my arm again, and steam is practically billowing from her ears. Her cheeks are splotchy and her eyes are red-rimmed, confirming she has been crying. I tighten my hands around Alessandro’s neck, and his eyes pop wide. “If you hurt her, I’ll—”
The clicking of a weapon cuts me off mid-sentence as a gun is pressed to the back of my head. “We have approximately thirty seconds before Rowan barges out here,” Sierra says. “Let him go or I’ll pull the trigger. Trust me, asshole. I need little incentive.”
My lips twitch as I fight a smile. She won’t pull that trigger—we all know it—but I silently applaud her bravery. My little Firefly always had giant balls, and she loves nothing better than to champion the underdog. I release Alessandro, holding my hands up. Sierra removes the gun, and I turn around in time to see her open a lockbox in a cubby at the top of her hall tree and slip the gun back inside.