Both Sawyer and his girlfriend, Rae, looked at her as if they couldn’t believe she’d mentioned it at all.
“That’s, um . . . yeah, good.”
“Oh, I wouldn’t say that,” she’d said thoughtfully, then looked to Sawyer.
After a long sigh, he’d met my stare. “He isn’t doing well, Savannah. He’s a mess without you and the kids.”
“And I’m doing much better?” I’d challenged, voice trembling.
“You need to talk to him,” Sawyer had gently pleaded. “It’s been more than two weeks. You can’t keep him from his kids like this.”
I knew that.
I’d known that.
But I was afraid of what would happen when I saw Beau again.
Would I fall apart and say something I could never take back? Would I fall into his arms and forgive everything simply because that man held my heart and soul in his hands? Would I ever be able to look at him and not see him and the girl who had been my best friend? Because every time I’d thought of him since the day I’d found out, all I could see was him and Madison.
Worse yet? The vow he’d broken.
“Sawyer, he made me a promise,” I said shakily. “He promised no more fighting.”
“I know,” he began placatingly.
“And I promised that I would be done,” I hurried over him, voice a pained cry. “I made a promise to myself that I wouldn’t watch him destroy our future, and I don’t know—” My chin trembled as I fought the quick-to-build tears. My steps were hurried as I pushed past him and moved through the kitchen to sit at the large table.
Once I sank into a chair, Sawyer was there, sitting next to me and waiting patiently.
“I never wanted to change Beau,” I said when my breathing had returned to normal and those jagged pieces in my throat had disappeared. “But his anger had changed . . . heightened. And I just had this terrible, crushing feeling in my gut each time he lost control that I wouldn’t get the chance to have a future with him because he wouldn’t be there for it. So, as much as it killed me, I knew if there was going to be any hope of a life with him, I had to stand up for myself and mean it.”
“What if he hadn’t been able to stop fighting back then?” Sawyer asked after nearly a minute had passed in silence.
“Then we wouldn’t be here at all,” I answered and swiped at a tear that slipped free. “And now . . . I don’t know how I’m supposed to go back on my word when a broken promise is why we’re here. And I don’t know how to keep my word when that means losing him.”
“Don’t do either. Don’t think of it that way,” Sawyer urged as he leaned forward. “It was bad, yeah, I know. He promised you he wouldn’t anymore. I get it, Savannah, I do—but this was different. You have to see that. His world was getting ripped out beneath his feet, and he snapped because he was trying to stop it from happening. And from what I’ve been told, he stopped as soon as you said his name.”
“I know, but—”
“This was different,” he repeated, trying to make me see something I couldn’t. When my head just shook, he said, “Savannah, he asked us if we think he’s like our dad.”
My shoulders caved as a muted sob pulled from deep within me, my eyes shutting at the grief that wove through me.
“Which means Beau thinks he’s just like our dad,” Sawyer finished carefully.
But I already knew all that. “I know,” I wheezed through my pain for my husband. “I know. Ever since Cayson revealed everything, he’s been . . . different. Absolutely terrified that he’ll turn into your dad one day. Do to one of our kids what your dad did to Cayson.”
“Fuck,” Sawyer mumbled.
“It’s been breaking my heart,” I said in agreement.
“Everything that’s happening, and you keeping him from the kids,” Sawyer began, voice uncertain, “I think it’s confirming all those fears for Beau. Savannah, he isn’t okay without you.”
“I’m not okay without him, but I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know how to navigate through all this pain and the broken trust and promises. I’m so afraid I’ll say something that ends us before I give him a chance, and what if—” I pressed my lips close together, the thought that had been plaguing me for weeks trying to crawl free. “What if that isn’t it?”
“What do you mean?”
“He kept all that from me for so long. What if I find out there’s more?”
“Savannah,” Sawyer began, doubt weaving through my name, but he clamped his mouth shut when I cut him with a look. Nodding subtly because he knew just as I did that we couldn’t know. “Talk to him. Let him see the kids at least. He needs that, and so do your kids.”
“I know,” I said on a breath, my stare drifting toward the windows. “I know.”
Sawyer stood and turned to go, squeezing my shoulder as he went. But when he reached the kitchen entrance, he called my name, drawing my attention to him. “Beau? You’ve been there for so much of it. You’ve seen him at his worst. His anger and the impulse to fight is second nature, but he’s fought it all this time for you and those kids. He’s only losing control now because he’s afraid of losing you.”
All I could offer him was a hesitant nod.
Beau should’ve never done anything for that fear to be real, and I hated that he had. His betrayal and this entire situation made me feel sick. Made my body heavy with unease and unknowns.
Still, I knew I couldn’t continue on the way I had. Knew Sawyer was right.
I pushed from my chair and wove through the kitchen in search of my phone once Sawyer was gone, my stare catching on my inner wrist as I brought the screen to life. On the quarter-sized outline of angel wings that brought dozens of memories bursting to mind and had thousands more tied to it.
My phone clattered to the tiled floor just before I fell heavily to my knees. A sob wrenched from deep inside my soul and poured into the empty room. Filling the space with my grief and anger and confusion until it surrounded me.
Golden eyes.
Savannah.
Right in front of me with destruction surrounding me.
God.
She didn’t say anything. She didn’t have to. Just stared at me with that same look she always gave me—like she understood. Like she saw me in a way no one else did.
And I wanted to die.
My stomach twisted and lurched, but I sucked in shallow breaths, forcing it to calm as I held her gaze. Clung to it so that sickening haze wouldn’t cover my eyes and that need to hurt someone wouldn’t take over again.
“Mr. Dixon.”
I worked my jaw but didn’t look away from Savannah.
“Mr. Dixon, my office now.”
I ripped my stare away from her and turned, scanning the circle of our classmates that had gathered around.
Some of them whispering.
Some of them pointing.
Nearly all of them looking at me like they were afraid of what my next step would be.
I looked at the three boys being helped up by their friends and led to where the gym teacher and vice principal were waiting, then met Hunter’s disappointed gaze. His head shook slowly where he stood with his girlfriend, Madison, in the crowd.