“Why would you have been depressed? What are you avoiding feeling?”
“Feeling like a failure. I came here to find some meaning in my life. To find out what I want from my life.”
“Career-wise?”
“That. And . . .” I glanced shyly down at my plate. “And love.”
“In what way?”
Looking up at Roane, seeing the genuine curiosity in his expression, the shyness, the vulnerability I felt about my love life—or lack thereof—eased. “Am I really lonely, or do I only think I should feel lonely because society dictates that I should be in a long-term relationship?”
His brow furrowed and he gestured for me to continue.
“Sometimes after a long day at work where I’d been especially productive and useful, I’d come home, I’d order takeout, watch Netflix, and then I’d get in my big comfy bed that takes up most of my studio apartment and I’d switch on my e-reader. For an hour before bed, I’d sit there, warm, safe, and engrossed in a great story. And I’d feel content.” I turned toward him so our knees touched. “Because not everyone has that in their life. There is a lot of darkness out there, a darkness that some people don’t want to think about. Human trafficking, modern slave labor, extreme poverty, homelessness . . . Not everyone gets to spend their nights in a warm bed, enjoying books. Maybe some people think my life is pathetic, but my life would be a dream to some people. What right do I have to whine about wanting more from my life, when what I have is more than some people can ever imagine having? I’m privileged in a way that doesn’t have to do with great wealth. I’m privileged by comforts we take for granted, like education, having food in the refrigerator, a roof over my head, heat, clean water, and easy access to books. A life that has been blessedly free of violence.
“So why do I have days where I feel miserable and lonely?” I asked him, wondering if I’d ever work out the answer. “Is it because I’m genuinely lonely and looking for love? Or is it because all of my friends have found companionship, even love in most cases, and I feel their quiet pity for me because I haven’t? Is it because society tells me that’s what I should want out of life? Or do I really want it? Am I so spoiled by my upbringing, I’m conditioned to continually want more than what I have?” I shook my head and then immediately stopped when the room shifted off its axis. I gripped the counter and took a deep breath. “I thought if I came here and put some distance between myself and my life, I might figure out what I wanted so I could finally do something about it.”
“Do something about it?”
“If I’m content, truly content, to live alone, then I’ll make peace with the fact that society judges it unusual for me to stay single. But if I really want to find someone to share my life with, then I need to start making more of an effort to find that person. Even though it’s hard and it hurts, and I may never find him.”
At Roane’s silence, I suddenly felt stupid for telling this man things I hadn’t even told Greer.
“It all must sound silly to you.”
“No,” he said emphatically, his hand coming down to rest on top of mine. I saw a light of understanding in his eyes. “I realize the pressure is worse for a woman—which is bloody ridiculous in this day and age—but men feel the pressure too.” He released my hand, his small smile almost self-deprecating, as his gaze dropped to his plate. “I’ve never been that guy who could sleep around, have one-night stands. And living in a small community hasn’t made finding someone easy. I’ve had a few long-term relationships but the last was two years ago. And the men round here, they don’t mean anything by it, but they give me a good ribbing for not availing myself of willing tourists and women from other villages who’ve made it clear they’d be happy to see me.
“I’ve never wanted that.” I felt a little breathless at the intensity in his eyes. “It doesn’t do it for me. I need to feel more than just the presence of a warm body. Sex is better for me when I care about the woman I’m with.”
Already warm from my hangover, I flushed uncomfortably hot at his words. “Oh.”
His smirk was somewhat bitter. “Men aren’t supposed to want that, let alone say it, right? It makes them less of a man not to be out there sowing his wild oats. There’s something effeminate about a man who is turned off by sex with a stranger and believes wholeheartedly in monogamy.”
“Women don’t think that.” I certainly didn’t. In fact, I found his honesty way too intriguing for my own good.
“No. But like you said, everyone has this idea of what you should want out of life. And you’re right. There are places in this world where folk are just trying to survive. We’re privileged enough that our lives have moved beyond basic survival, but it means we have time to impress these stupid ideas of ‘normality’ upon each other.” He ran a hand through his bed-mussed hair. “My mum, Milly, and all the like, they badger me almost every week about ‘settling down and finding a woman to keep me company.’” Our eyes locked as he continued, “But unlike you, I know that I want that. Definitely. I want someone to love, to share life’s difficulties with, to have bairns and watch them grow. To make a little world with someone. Which means there are days, thankfully few but they exist, when it doesn’t feel so nice for all those people who are supposed to care about me to hound me about the thing I want most in life.”
Emotion clogged my throat.
Not just because I was sad that Roane felt that way.
But because for the first time in a very long time, I felt like someone saw me. Understood me. Truly.
Tears I didn’t even feel embarrassed about shimmered in my eyes as I reached for Roane Robson’s hand and curled mine tight around it. “You’ll find it, Roane.” I believed he would.
“You don’t know that.” He squeezed my hand, giving me a small smile. “You don’t know me or the future.”
“I don’t know the future, agreed. I do know you a little, and I see you a lot.”
He understood. I saw it in the way he studied my face and by the way his hand tightened in mine. “I see you too, Evie.”
It was too big a moment to share with an almost stranger, but it was happening, and it was real.
I made a decision in that moment. To put aside my attraction for Roane and embrace the connection between us. I’d felt something similar the instant I met Greer. Just like with Greer, I was determined to make a friend of Roane.
“When I have a day off and don’t feel like upchucking, do you think you can show me your farm?”
“Friends then?” he surmised, his expression relaxed and happy again.
“I just told you some of my deepest worries. We’re friends or I have to kill you.”