“You listen to motivational speakers?” She leaned back to search my eyes. Her bullshit detector was on.
“I’m not a complete goob. Just a goob for you.” I honked her boob.
“What is it with you and boob-honking?” She tucked her breasts back in and crawled off me.
“No, no, no! Wait! Where are you going? Was it the boob-honking? Was it because I said I liked you too much? Because I’m a goob?”
“Um, no. It’s because the limo stopped, and we’re at the house—goob.” She pinched my nose. “That’s payback for the boob honk. And this …” She cupped my face in her hands and gave me a rough, smacking kiss on my lips. “This is for telling me you like me a lot on our first date.”
“Technically, it’s not the first date. I mean … we have fucked and stuff.” I hiccuped, then laughed, and accidentally squeaked out the girliest of poots.
“Did you just—” She laughed and scurried out the door as soon as the driver opened it.
“You were sitting on my stomach and … well, shit happens. Literally. Sometimes.” I crawled out after her and prayed to whatever voodoo magic was in the air that I wouldn’t embarrass myself any more tonight. Spoiler alert: I would.
I followed Samantha up the brick stairs to the front porch and looked inside the window. Someone had left a light on, and I could already see that this place was newly renovated. For a house in an old neighborhood, what I could see of the inside was immaculate and white—very, very white. Everything had a crisp, clean look to it.
“I’d be afraid to set foot in this house! Can you imagine if you had a dog? Those walls and floor would be covered in muddy paw prints!” I turned toward her and pulled her away from the window. “You can’t get it. What about the eighteen kids? It’s too sterile.”
“Shh! Everyone and their mama can hear you!” She pulled her hand from mine.
“Sorry, I do that when I drink!” I whispered loudly back at her.
“You don’t like it? I thought it was the perfect location, and it’s so beautiful!” She peeked through another window. “Look in here. Check out this fireplace!”
“What about the kids?” I insisted, pulling her away and into the car.
“You sound like my mother!” She rolled her eyes.
“You know, I’m the voice of reason. Even if I’m tipsy. Where’s the other one? Show me! Let’s see it. I have a feeling it’s going to be just like that last one.” I patted my lap and tried to coax her back on top of me. It didn’t work this time.
“Forget it. You won’t like it either. Let’s go to your place. Show me what kind of house you like since mine aren’t up to your standards.”
Samantha held her champagne glass out for a refill, and I topped mine off too. She tossed her drink back and folded her arms.
“It was a beautiful house! I’m just thinking of the future. I’m being practical!”
“Since when is Victor Beaumont, the man who popped out of a real coffin for his Halloween party, practical?”
“It’s the alcohol. It makes me all philosophical and smarty-farty sometimes. It makes me do dumb things too. Like this. Have you ever stuck your head out of the sunroof of a limo before?” I smiled so big that my face began to hurt.
“Well, no, considering that my only time in a limo was at that funeral, you know.”
I pushed the button to open the sunroof and stood up. “Come on up here!”
“Isn’t it cold?”
“Yep! But not if you drink more champagne!” I called down to her.
She poked her head through the opening and squished in next to me, laughing.
“See? I told you it was fun! Woohoo!” I shouted and threw my hands in the air. “Try it. It’s pretty freeing. Just live a little.”
“Little-lady-who!” she yodeled down the dark street.
Surely, we were waking up the neighborhood.
“What the fuck was that? You can yodel?” My mouth hung open.
“Just one of my many talents.”
She yodeled even louder.
We fell back down onto the seat and laughed hysterically.
“Ever mooned someone?” I asked once I caught my breath.
“Maybe when I was eight.” She rubbed her hands together and blew into them.
“Oh, yeah? Bet you haven’t done this.” I wiggled out of my pants and boxers.
“What are you doing?” she shrieked. “We’re almost to your house! Get those back on.”
“No way. You can yodel, but can you do this?”
I flipped myself over—once, twice, seven times—and stood on my hands, poking my legs and my bare ass out of the sunroof. I spread my legs to catch on the sides of the window so that I wouldn’t fall over. This was definitely one of my worst ideas. But she laughed. Upside down, I watched Samantha laugh so hard that she fell on the floor beside me and clutched her sides. Her giggles, in turn, made me laugh, which sent my body into waves, my freezing cold bare ass shaking in the air. I hadn’t thought about how the wind would feel on my johnson before I performed my little trick. My head began to throb as blood started to pool into my already-fuzzy brain.
“Close your eyes. You can’t see me get down from here. I’m shriveled like old man balls.”
“I need to see the dismount, so you can show me how it’s done. You never know, maybe I’ll try it next time.”
“Fine!” I tried to wiggle myself down, and that was when I heard it.
The limo halted to a stop as a police siren rang out. I lost my balance and stumbled down to Samantha’s feet.
“Fuck! I’ve never been arrested before! Damn it, Victor!” She nudged me with her foot while I tried to gather my senses.
Blue lights flashed through the windows as I scrambled to put my pants back on. We both sat in silence, listening to the officer and the driver mumble.
“Relax. We didn’t do anything wrong.”
“You were just flopping your dick around out there for all to see!” she hissed.
“What do you mean, a floppy dick? You’ve seen it! You know my stallion is always ready for you to ride! Plus, it’s after midnight. No one is up, watching my amazing one-man show, except you.”
“Ugh.” She crossed her arms.
The officer tapped on our window. I bit my lip, took a deep breath, and pushed the button to roll my window down. This was one way to sober up quickly.
“Hey, Officer.” I saluted.
Too cool, Victor. You’re too cool. Cut the shit, I thought to myself.
“Mr. Beaumont.” The mustached man narrowed his eyes down at me. “It seems we had a disturbance this evening, didn’t we?”
“Yes. I’m so sorry about that. I apologize, and it won’t happen again. Ever. Never. No, sirree!”
“Good. I can’t imagine your mom would want all of her neighbors over here to see her son’s flailing noodle cruising down the street. Now, I’m going to let you go with just a warning. Only because I know how much pain this would bring your mom and how much trouble it would bring your dad. I like them both. But you, I got my eyes on you. And I prefer not to have my eyes on your peter. Understand?”