BROADWAY BABY: Funny. *laughing emoji*
BROADWAY BABY: You’re the sexiest potato I’ve ever seen. Why don’t you take your shirt off and prove it.
THE BIG HAMMER: *picture of Jase shirtless, holding up his left arm, flexing to show off his biceps and Olympic rings tattoo*
BROADWAY BABY: Um…why are you sending me pictures of you half naked? I told you multiple times in the last week I’m NOT sexting with you.
THE BIG HAMMER: You asked for it, baby.
BROADWAY BABY: I did not.
THE BIG HAMMER: Did too.
THE BIG HAMMER: *screenshot of the conversation proving this*
BROADWAY BABY: OMG. I’m going to murder Zoey. Word of advice: don’t leave your phone unattended around your drunk friends. It could lead to homicide.
THE BIG HAMMER: Need help burying the body? We could turn it into a date. Instead of the boring dinner and a movie, we could do dig a shallow grave, grab a burger and fries. Good times.
BROADWAY BABY: There is something seriously wrong with you, you know that?
THE BIG HAMMER: So I’ve been told.
THE BIG HAMMER: Why are you guys drunk?
BROADWAY BABY: We’re celebrating.
BROADWAY BABY: *picture of Melody, Ella, and Zoey glassy-eyed and cheesing holding champagne flutes*
THE BIG HAMMER: 1st: you are way too beautiful for words. You should ALWAYS smile like that. 2nd: I am impressed with the lack of typos going on in this conversation right now. And 3rd: You ladies sure seem to celebrate a lot. The night we met you were drinking champagne.
BROADWAY BABY: Ah. I had a big audition that day, and today I officially signed the contract for the role. And Zoey got the job as the choreographer. It’s a win-win for us.
THE BIG HAMMER: Big part?
BROADWAY BABY: The biggest. It’ll be the first time I’m eligible for a Tony.
THE BIG HAMMER: That’s like your version of the Stanley Cup right?
BROADWAY BABY: Yup.
THE BIG HAMMER: What’s the role?
BROADWAY BABY: *GIF of Marilyn Monroe in the iconic white dress being blown up*
THE BIG HAMMER: Holy fuck!
THE BIG HAMMER: Merry Christmas *Santa emoji* *Christmas tree emoji*
BROADWAY BABY: Merry Christmas. Enjoying your short break?
THE BIG HAMMER: Mostly.
BROADWAY BABY: Too much family time? I thought you *loved* your family?
THE BIG HAMMER: Oh I do. It’s like a college reunion at my sister’s place every Christmas break. But I could do without getting my ass kicked in Mario Kart by a pair of 9-year-olds.
BROADWAY BABY: Mario Kart? Really? Aren’t you a little old for video games?
THE BIG HAMMER: Gasp! Bite your tongue woman. Mario and his friends are sacred in our group.
BROADWAY BABY: Oh I’m so sorry. Please accept my humblest apologies.
THE BIG HAMMER: You are forgiven. It’s okay, I have two cute blondes here to cheer me up.
BROADWAY BABY: Okay. I’m hanging up now.
THE BIG HAMMER: I thought we already established you can’t hang up in a text convo. And geez woman, maybe I should have gotten you a bottle of chill pills for Christmas instead of the gift I did get you, because way to OVERreact.
THE BIG HAMMER: *picture of Jase sandwiched between two blonde toddlers*
BROADWAY BABY: OMG. They are the cutest!!! Are those your nieces?
THE BIG HAMMER: Yup. And thank you. It’s good genetics.
BROADWAY BABY: You do know you don’t get to take credit for it, right? They are your sister’s kids, not yours.
THE BIG HAMMER: Twins, remember? Of course I get to take credit.
BROADWAY BABY: You’re fraternal twins.
THE BIG HAMMER: Whatever. We have the same blond hair.
THE BIG HAMMER: *video clip of Jase asking the twins who their favorite person is, them answering with “Unk, Unk, Unk” and kissing him on each cheek*
BROADWAY BABY: Well shit. My ovaries just exploded.
THE BIG HAMMER: I can make you explode, baby.
BROADWAY BABY: And there he is.
BROADWAY BABY: Wait a second—did you say you got me a present?
THE BIG HAMMER: Of course I did. You think I’m the type of guy who doesn’t buy his girl a Christmas gift?
BROADWAY BABY: I swear to god if you tell me you got me a dick in a box I’m going to block your number in my phone.
THE BIG HAMMER: *GIF of Justin Timberlake and Andy Samberg for the SNL Dick in a Box skit*
BROADWAY BABY: OMG I can’t even with you.
THE BIG HAMMER: Don’t even start—you know you’re already starting to fall in love with me.
BROADWAY BABY: **rolls eyes** Maybe you should have asked Santa to bring you some decent go-kart skills if you are losing to a pair of third graders.
THE BIG HAMMER: Nope. I only asked the big man for one thing this Christmas.
BROADWAY BABY: And that is?
THE BIG HAMMER: You.
Chapter Seven
January
What the fuck am I doing?
I’ve asked myself that question more times than I can count since I agreed to this, because what in the actual fuck?
Damn you, Jase Donnelly, and damn your stupid-looking—okay, gorgeous—face. And your potato memes, and your cute pictures with toddlers, and…and…gah!
Sonofabitch I still can’t believe I’m doing this.
Seriously, Mels. You are out of your mind here.
Oh, so now you want to put up a fight, hormones? But when he’s standing in front of us you’re all, “Take my panties! Take my panties!”
Shit—I can’t believe I’m having an argument with my hormones. Thank god I didn’t do it out loud.