“Maybe he won’t get the job,” Liv says. “Is it wrong to hope that?”
“Yes.”
“Well, I can’t root him on when I know it will hurt you.”
I tear my eyes away from the shelves and look at my sister. “It won’t hurt me. It might sting a little, because . . . I might miss him a little. He’s . . . fun.”
“I bet he is.”
Her grin snaps me out of my funk.
The pity I’ve felt from her already today is the first of what will come when he leaves. I don’t want her—or anyone—to look at me like I lost another husband. Because to everyone else, he is my husband. It’s the real deal. But Liv knows how I feel. I can see it on her face. And having her feel sorry for me will be embarrassing too.
I have to stay levelheaded about this. I need to take things one step at a time. At one point, I had this all figured out. I just wish I could get back there.
“I need you to listen to me.” I set my pile of things down on the floor before giving Liv my attention again. Taking a deep breath, I try to find the right words to explain how I feel. “It would be really easy for me to just go all in with hope and rainbows here. Holden is fun and fun. He’s smart and funny and sweet. But he’s not mine, Liv.”
“Why not?”
“Because that’s the truth. It’s what I always do. I hear what I want to hear. I see what I want to see. I feel what I think I feel, and before I know it, I’m all screwed up.” I brush a stray hair out of my face. “I can’t see and hear in my head he’s going to stay. And now that we’re talking about it, I . . . it sounds so rational. I have to accept it, Liv. Somehow.”
Olivia takes a sip of her coffee and silently pleads with me to see things her way. I can feel her brain waves trying to permeate mine, but I hold tight. Eventually, she gives up.
Her shoulders drop. “Fine. I hate it when you’re all logical.”
“You know what?”
“What?”
I smile sadly at her. “At least now I have some idea of what a relationship can be like. I know what I want now. I’ll just have to find it with a guy that wants it with me.”
Liv returns my smile. We stand face-to-face for a long time, neither of us saying a word. There’s really nothing to say. I’ve basically admitted I have real feelings for Holden and he doesn’t for me. Surely, that’s the first baby step in getting through this minefield.
She reaches out and taps the Earl sample.
“What?” I ask.
“Go with that one. It’s the less depressing of the two. More pink than blue undertones.”
I grin to myself as I put the Earl card in my paint tray. “Decision made. Now, do we have a ladder tall enough to reach the top of the walls?”
She looks at her watch. “I don’t know, but I need to get back to work. My lunch hour is almost over.”
“Already?”
“Yeah.” She presses a kiss to my cheek. “Call me if you need me, okay?”
“I’ll be fine.”
“That’s not what I asked.”
I smile at her. “I will. I’ll call if I need you.”
She tosses me a wink before heading out the door.
The room is quiet. The longer I stand alone, the more alone I feel.
I fish my phone out of my pocket and dial my brother. It rings four times before he picks up.
“Hey,” he says.
“I was starting to think you were avoiding me.”
“Nope. I only avoid girls I’ve slept with who want to marry me.”
“So no one, then?”
He laughs. “What do you want, you little pest?”
“Well, two things. First, I made a meatloaf if you want some. It’s in the fridge.”
“Damn right I do.”
“And second, do we have a ladder tall enough to reach the top of the walls and ceilings?”
He pauses before answering. “Why didn’t you call your husband about it?”
My jaw sets in frustration. “You’re right. What am I doing calling my brother? I’ll start excluding you from things now. My bad.”
A low groan rolls through the line. “I didn’t say that.”
I balance the phone on my shoulder and put my things back in the tray. It takes a bit of Tetris skills, but I manage.
“It’s in the shed in the back,” he says.
“Thank you.” I make my way to the front of the store. “Want to come by tonight and grab the meatloaf?”
“I’m actually heading to Liv’s tonight to change her oil. I’ll swing by after that.”
“Deal.”
“I have a prospective buyer pulling up right now, so I gotta run. Wish me luck.”
“Good luck, Jobie,” I say, using his nickname from childhood.
“Love you.”
“Love you too. Bye.”
I get to the counter. My phone goes back into my pocket, and I ask Mr. Grigg to whip me up a sample of Earl. He disappears into the back, leaving me alone in the store.
I mosey around, checking out the shovels and hoes. My fingers dust along the green tines of a rake, and I wonder offhandedly when the leaves will change this year. It’s my favorite part of the season. I like it much better than when they start to fall from their limbs and leave a mess all over my deck.
Maybe Holden will be here to help out this year.
My fingers stop on the edge of the handle.
I shake my head, my body squeezing in preparation for the moment when he leaves. I don’t know when that time will come. Even if he gets the job, as I’m sure he will, it might be a month or two.
I take a deep, calming breath.
Easy, Sophia. You’ll figure this out.
I hope.
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
HOLDEN
You definitely have a problem on your hands,” I say.
Patrick takes Fidget from me. Relief is evident on his face as his prized pet squirms until she’s up and under his chin.
“I don’t know what to do with her,” Patrick says. “She just sniffs out all of my candy now. It’s like she’s addicted.”
“Sugar is addicting.”
I smile to myself. Just like everything else today, the word “sugar” reminds me of my wife. And boy, is she ever addictive.
The more I’m around her, the more I want her time. Every touch leads to an itch of my fingers that I can barely stand. Each laugh or joke, every poke and prod, creates a need for another go-round.
It’s a problem. I know it. It’s a situation I didn’t expect—one I don’t think I could’ve expected if I’d tried. Sure, she’s always been pretty. No doubt she’s sexy. But I’ve encountered pretty, sexy women before and not felt like . . . this.
Pinpointing the exact cause of my predicament is tough. Impossible, even. No matter how long I stay awake after she falls asleep against me, I can’t decipher it. Am I just nervous and appreciating having someone wait this out with me? Is it just a case of proximity making me want her? It could also be that we make a really good team and that lends itself to other crazy thoughts that are more smoke screens than reality.
Because Sophie and I don’t really want an actual marriage.