“I guess I kind of told you before. I just can’t square things in my mind, in such a way that the two of us together feels like the right thing to do.”
“What do you mean?” His tone was calm and patient, but I didn’t kid myself that it meant I wasn’t going to have a fight on my hands. This was Beck, after all.
“I mean that even with just the two of us involved there’s so much at stake. There’s so much to lose, and I’m scared our ship has already sailed. Add Sam into the mix, and telling him you’re his father, and it just feels like mistake of Titanic proportions. I’m not prepared to—”
“He already knows.”
“Excuse me?” I stared at him as though he had grown a second head.
“Or, if he doesn’t yet, he will do very soon.”
“Bu —”
“I might not know him, but watching him today in that hospital bed, it was like looking at myself in a mirror nineteen years ago. I could pretty much see the thoughts running through his mind, and I remembered how at the same age, I would do the same thing—put the pieces together to make sense of what was going on around me. Especially those things I had an idea my mom didn’t want me to know.” She was staring at me in disbelief.
“I’m telling you, it’s not a matter of if he works it out, but when. Surely, you would prefer to be the one telling him, rather than have him find out accidentally, and be pissed that you didn’t tell him yourself?”
“But you can’t just spring something like this on a kid. What am I going to say? ‘Hey Sammy, you know how you went to sleep after your asthma attack with no dad, well when you woke up, you miraculously had a dad, and he’s been living in New York City this whole time. Surprise!’? That would be a fucking disaster. I’m not putting my child through that.”
“He’s our child, and of course it would. But it’s the truth, and the fact is, you already put him through it. Isn’t it better that we find a way to ease him into the idea, rather than him and finding out another way, and having no control over the narrative?”
“Sure, I guess so, it’s jus—” He interrupted me, showing slight impatience for the first time.
“Listen, there is no version of this scenario where I’m going to just quietly slink out of your lives, especially not Sam’s. I haven’t had any choice in whether to parent him over the past eleven years, but I’m here now, which, as far as I’m concerned, means I can ‘just…’ and I do get a choice.
“Just know that while I’m breathing, my choice will always be him and always be you. Shit, if I’d had my way, you would have been my choice back then too. Correction, you were my choice, and if it had been up to me, we would probably be married with a few more kids by now. Besides, is it just me, or is this situation totally cockeyed and ass backward?”
“Huh?”
“Well no offense, but shouldn’t I be the reluctant one here? After all, I’m the one who was left hanging without a word of explanation. I’m the one who was lied to, over and over again, despite repeatedly asking for your honesty. I’m the one who has been robbed of the opportunity to be a parent for the majority of my son’s childhood, to the point where in your mind, I now clearly have no right to be part of the decision making process when it comes to what’s best for him. I’m the one who should be fucking wary of you, not the other way around.”
I sat there slack-jawed, astounded by his declarations. The fact was, he was right, and I was completely at a loss as to what to say in return. Luckily, the intercom sounded, letting us know our food had arrived, and I was literally saved by the bell.
Beck
“Motherfucking what?” I cursed under my breath.
Even though I was just about starved, I’d never been more pissed off to receive a food delivery in my life. I stalked across the room swiping a towel from my open gym bag and tying it at my waist as I walked. I reached the video intercom unit, and buzzed the delivery guy up to the penthouse.
I returned to the living area to find Mel bustling around in the kitchen. She had found plates and glasses and was opening drawers until she found cutlery. I laid the bag of food down on the countertop, and her eyes widened in surprise.
“Um…You seem to have bought all the food in the entire world, but it’s just the two of us. I said I would eat anything, not everything.”
“I know, but I wanted to give you the choice.” Because I’m about to shut down your choices elsewhere in our lives. I didn’t say this part, but I wanted to. Instead I focused on opening up the myriad packages, and setting them down like a smorgasbord on the kitchen island. As Mel served herself, I picked up our conversation again.
“I’m sorry about before. I was out of line.”
“That’s the thing. You weren’t. Everything you said was true. I wish it wasn’t but it is. And it’s one of the major reasons I don’t think this can work between us. Our shit is broken, maybe too far gone to be fixed. You can’t build a relationship on foundations of distrust and resentment. You just can’t. You only have to look at my parents to see how that pans out.”
I stared at her, open-mouthed in utter shock. “We’re nothing like your parents. Jesus, Mel!” Anger that had been simmering threatened to hit boiling point.
“I know we’re not. Not now, at least, but do you think they started out that way? I doubt it. They’re evidence of how dysfunction can eat away at people like cancer.” She had a point, but we weren’t them. Specifically, I wasn’t him.
“He was mentally ill, and she was afraid of him. I’m not him, and you’re not scared of me…are you?” Her eyebrows shot upward in shock, and I was relieved.
“No. Not at all. Oh my God, of course not. I’m not saying…fuck…this is…I’m sorry. I’m not likening you to him in any way. I’m just saying that growing up in that household, seeing the way the toxicity was nearly the death of all of us…I’m just extra cautious, that’s all.”
“Yeah, I hear ya. You’re right to be, especially with a kid in tow. I guess you never can be too careful. But this is me we’re talking about. Yes, a long time has gone by. Yes, we’re both different in many ways, and our circumstances are completely different. But in other ways, we’re just the same old us we always were. People’s personalities are pretty stable throughout their lives. Have I ever said or done anything that even remotely reminded you of him?”
“No, I didn’t mean to…” She let the sentence hang heavily between us.
“I know you didn’t. I’m just reminding you. We’re not them.”
“I know.” Her voice was so small, and soft, I had to strain to hear it.
“Then act like it. Back us.” She nodded slowly.
“Look, the way I see it, we have two options. Either we take a softly-softly approach, and gently introduce me into Sam’s life, or we rip off the Band-Aid, sit him down, and talk to him like the smart kid I’m sure he is. I vote the latter. As I said before, he’s probably at least halfway to working it out for himself anyway. I want to establish my place in his life, and the three of us as family, sooner rather than later. Let’s tell him in the morning.”