Rick raised an eyebrow, surprised she’d brought that word into this fragile conversation. “I cared for Jillian as more than a friend,” he acknowledged. “The sexual attraction had always been there. I’d be lying if I said that didn’t make the whole marriage thing easier to do.”
Kendall stared at him, wide-eyed.
If he had to hazard a guess, he’d say she was holding her breath. He stroked a finger down her soft cheek. “With hindsight, I can say I loved the idea of Jillian. The idea of the life we could have together. The perfect family unit.” He shook his head at the memory of how young and naive he’d been. And how messed up his life would have become if the baby’s father hadn’t come to his senses, he realized now. “Mother, father, baby. Hell, I nearly bought us a dog to make the picture complete.”
He turned to Kendall so he was on his knees, towering over her enough to make his point. “I cared enough to convince myself to marry her but I didn’t love her.”
Was it his imagination or did she just exhale a sigh of relief? He wanted to grin, to kiss those still pursed lips, but he refrained, knowing he had more to say first. “That life I thought was so perfect would have been a noose around my neck. One I’d never be able to get rid of.”
Her soft eyes met his. “She was lucky to have you. But you’re right. Two people who marry for the wrong reasons will make each other miserable in the end. Still, she never knew how good she had it, did she?”
“Actually, she did. I got a letter that first Christmas. An apology and a thank you all wrapped up in one. She was living the life she wanted and she was happy. That’s all I ever wanted for her.”
“But you carried the pain around all this time?”
“I carried the idea of losing something around. I never realized until now that Jillian didn’t take anything away from me. She gave me back my chance at life.” Amazing what talking revealed to a man. Talking to the right person, he amended.
Any barriers he’d built crumbled as if they’d never been. He was a man treading in deep water, yet he had no choice but to take the risk.
“So you no longer regret her leaving?” Kendall asked.
He shook his head. “Hell no.” If anything, he wished Jillian well and silently thanked her for taking off. “If she hadn’t gone with the baby’s father, what the hell would I have done when you stumbled into town?”
Kendall laughed but there was no real humor in the sound. “You’d have taken one look at me in my pink hair and wedding dress, dropped me off at my aunt’s house, and run the other way.”
“The hell I would have.” He let out a low growl. “Well, you wouldn’t have had any need for a pretend lover, that’s for sure. And definitely no need for me.”
He grasped her face in his hands. Didn’t she know how he felt about her? Couldn’t she read it in his eyes, hear the words even though he hadn’t yet said them aloud?
Or maybe she was just pretending ignorance. He knew her equally well. He knew that if Kendall faced the fact that he loved her or that she might feel the same way, she’d fall into her standard pattern and run.
No way would he let that happen. If he could help it. Sifting through his options, he came up with only one. Keep silent and keep her around. Use a little reverse psychology and back off emotionally. Play the part of Kendall’s summer lover and let her be the one to come to her senses on her own.
Rick had just faced his past. Kendall deserved the time and the opportunity to face hers. But if he came on too strong, he’d risk losing her. Hell, he risked losing her either way, but with restraint and patience, at least he stood a chance. They stood a chance.
He definitely had a need for her. He always would. But for now, he’d let her think it was a purely sexual need, while doing his best to supply everything she’d been missing in life, the feeling of family, security, contentment, and love. All the things she unknowingly gave to him.
The things he’d have to get used to doing without again, if he failed and Kendall took her bigmouthed, adorable sister to Arizona, leaving Yorkshire Falls and him behind.
Chapter Eleven
Kendall glanced outside where the tables were being setup for the day’s sidewalk sale. All stores, vendors, and school activities were participating. But if the line in Norman’s for coffee didn’t move, Kendall would throttle the people ahead of her. She needed caffeine.
“Thank God the sun’s out. Can you imagine a sidewalk sale in torrential rain?” Charlotte shuddered. “This is my first year participating but last year I heard they set up those heavy-duty tents and the water poured off the ends . . .” She reached out a hand and shook Kendall’s arm. “And you’re not listening, are you?”
Kendall blinked and focused on Charlotte’s concerned expression. “I’m sorry. What did you say?”
Charlotte laughed. “That’s okay. You’re preoccupied.” After a night with Rick, Kendall was most definitely preoccupied and in way over her head. Her feelings for Rick continued to grow. Finding out about his past changed things. Knowing he had been married and had almost been a father did something to her deep inside. She didn’t want to think of him caring for another woman in that way. And if something like that bothered her, Kendall needed to force herself to think in new and scary directions.
“Did I thank you for taking Hannah last night?” she asked Charlotte, changing the subject. Maybe after a caffeine jolt she’d be ready to embark on that new line of thought.
“Only about three times. She’s a genuine joy.”
“Are we talking about the same teenager with the big mouth, buttinsky personality, and the chip on her shoulder?” Kendall asked. “And I mean that in the most loving way that only a sister can imagine,” she added with a smile.
“Actually we’re talking about the polite, discreet, and helpful girl right out there.” Charlotte tapped on the glass-plate window, pointing to where Hannah was helping Beth fold and display potential items for sale.
“Well, what alien invaded her body?” But she didn’t care so long as her sister was happy. And judging by the wide smile and constant movement of Hannah’s mouth, the young girl was thrilled to be chatting with Beth and assisting for the morning.
“I think it has to do with me not being her guardian that lets me see another side to her. Remember how you were with your parents?” Charlotte said and immediately clapped her hand over her mouth. “Oh, my God, I’m sorry. I forgot Roman told me you lived with different family members over the years. Geez that was insensitive of me.”
Kendall waved away a hand. “Don’t be ridiculous. It was a natural thing to say and a completely correct assumption about why Hannah’s being difficult with me.” She put a comforting hand on Charlotte’s arm. “Thank you for trying to help analyze the situation. Insight can only help.”
Charlotte inclined her head. “My pleasure then.”
“But you should know, I think her good behavior with you has more to do with your being Rick’s sister-in-law than anything else.”
Her eyes opened wide. “Hannah has a crush on Rick?”