Cole moved too, and soon enough they sat across the fire from the boy, who seemed to be asleep at last. “I won’t stop being tired until he’s somewhere safe. I know nothing of caring for a child,” Cole said, glancing at Dog, who trembled, seemingly dreaming of better times, when he’d been free to run. Maybe he’d just die in his sleep by morning, and put an end to Ned’s emotional agony.
“Why would Lotta entrust him to Zeb? Maybe he stole him, or even killed her. Should we… take him to her family? You know where they lived, right?” Ned asked, his red hair on fire as it reflected the flames.
Cole’s face fell. He’d been keen to communicate with Lotta when Tom had brought her in as his new bride, and the things he’d found out from her chilled him to the bone. She hadn’t been born mute, and he could bet that neither had the boy. “Her family… they’re not good people, Ned. They cut her tongue out because she was insolent. If her choice was between them and Zeb, I’m not surprised that she picked that sack of grudges.”
They sat in silence before Cole decided to speak again. “We can’t leave him with Lotta’s family, but there’s orphanages. Should be one in Denver.”
Ned glanced at Cole, as if he wanted to eat his soul. “And we’ll go together?”
Cole scowled. It was as if their argument had never happened. “Don’t think it’s a good idea, Ned. We part ways as soon as we’re down from the mountains. I’ll take him to the city, and you… you can do whatever you please,” he said, staring into the bright flames, because his stubborn mind was already coming up with scenarios in which he and Ned met again a few years down the road. He’d recognize him anywhere, even from afar, because he’d be wearing the jacket Cole had made for him.
Cole would have been pleasantly surprised if Ned made something out of himself and didn’t succumb to drink, keeping his promise to never touch booze again. Perhaps then, they could have another month together—or another two—before Cole left again.
Ned chewed on that, and Cole stayed tense, waiting for him to subvert the future. “I’ve got nothing left. Can you not bear my company for a bit longer? Denver could be a good place to look for work.”
There it was, a ploy to tie Cole down. To cuff his leg to Ned’s as if they were a two-person chain gang and one might not run off without the other. But Ned was right—he did have nothing but the clothes on his back. “I could… give you some money to start,” Cole said, finding it hard to look Ned’s way. He’d been careful with cash and had savings that amounted to a handsome sum. He might as well share it, in gratitude for Ned’s hospitality.
“Money doesn’t keep watch when you sleep, and won’t help you feed yourself in the forest when there’s the kid to look after. I’ll stay,” Ned said as if it were his decision to make.
Cole knew this wasn’t about Tommy but Ned’s selfish needs, yet something about the stern way he stated his plans made Cole’s cheeks feel warm. “You know he’s going to come after you once he’s old enough?” he whispered.
Ned’s shoulders sagged, and he stared across the fire at the tiny blond boy who would one day grow up and become as dangerous as any young man with a thirst for blood. “Maybe that’s the price I pay.”
Cole swallowed around the discomfort in his throat. His fingers were cold and numb, so he embraced himself to warm them, but to no avail. “We could convince him it was me. I’m the better shot.”
“Tom was a better shot than me. It don’t matter when a man has enough grit and determination. Why would you even care to do that? I did what I did, and I have to live with that.”
“Because you can’t take care of yourself, that’s why. If he came after me, I’d just sell him some lead, and that would be the end of it,” Cole said and shoved at Ned before pulling his coat closer around him. Perhaps it was time to get the winter one out of the saddlebags. It got him so damn cold to think of Ned resting at the bottom of a deep grave with nothing but maggots to keep him company.
Ned groaned and shook his head. “You make no sense. Just a minute ago you told me you won’t even go to Denver with me. I don’t know what you want anymore, but I will do right by the kid. Make sure the orphanage takes him in, and if he comes after me in ten years, then so be it. I don’t even know where I’ll be then.”
Cole should’ve said no, but he didn’t want to. If he left Ned on his own with this mess, he’d be forever wondering what became of him, and what he needed was peace. “I’ll stick around until he’s in safe hands. And we’ll discuss that other thing, because you don’t deserve to die for what you’ve done. If you did, I’d have slit your throat already,” he said, suddenly longing for the burning sensation of booze rolling down his throat. But they didn’t have any, so he settled on watching the fire while everything inside him buzzed.
Ned laid down just inches away. Did he even understand the torment his presence provoked?
“You’d miss me?”
“What do you think?” mumbled Cole, unwilling to commit to neither truth nor lying, so he elected to have Ned understand his answer however the hell he pleased.
Ned met his gaze without the hazy tiredness that clouded it before. “I think you didn’t let Lars fuck you.”
Cole raised his hands. “That’s no secret, is it?”
He could punch that stupid smirk off Ned’s face.
“Goodnight,” Ned said and closed his eyes, leaving Cole to the agonizing thoughts that wouldn’t let him sleep.
Chapter 18
Tommy, because that was what he and Ned agreed to call the boy, was a sullen, subdued child, and the fact that he didn’t speak made him seem even more so. He seemed to enjoy collecting rocks and carving on trees, and he often walked off from their campsites to pursue those interests. But while Cole remained wary every time, the boy always came back.
It was a relief that he no longer tried to run off the moment his new guardians looked the other way. The last thing they needed was a feral child that required handcuffs and a muzzle, but on the other hand Cole didn’t feel comfortable around a boy of only seven, who’d already been so beaten down by life.
While mute for the most part—he could make a few sounds—Tommy wasn’t deaf, so Cole couldn’t speak freely in his presence. Not that he wanted to talk to Ned about the fight they’d had in the cabin. Their relationship was an unresolved question where they remained civil to each other, yet didn’t share the intimacy from before. A week into this damn trek, and the questions in Cole’s mind became denser each day. Were they still lovers? Were they reluctant travel companions? Old friends on one last trip?
Cole’s dick knew the answer, but it didn’t get a vote.
He’d gotten rather used to touching Ned whenever he pleased and accepting his caresses in return. It made sense that such an abrupt break from satisfaction always being at hand left him somewhat jittery and tense, but when he looked at the damp long johns clinging to Ned’s buttocks like a second layer of skin, his thoughts wandered off to a particular time in the cabin when they’d soaked in hot water, and he teased Ned’s hole with his fingers only to spontaneously try an obscene caress a certain man enjoyed to unleash on Cole during their two-day long acquaintance.