Roger sighed. “Sometimes I lash out too, but that’s what they want, so I refuse to give it to them. They can think me a fool or a cuckold. Only I know what’s between me and Parita.”
Cole fought himself on this one. How was he to answer Roger without offending him? With all the gossip about her, how could the man trust her so blindly?
“You’re really unafraid that she’ll stray one day?”
Roger smirked, stirring his remaining porridge. The man’s heart was softer than his tough exterior suggested, but perhaps that was what made him capable of happiness? “Listen, Cole. Love is like letting someone point a gun at your heart and hoping they’ll never pull the trigger. And I can sure tell you my Parita is a loaded gun. There’s always danger, but where would I be without trust? I’d be a jealous prick keeping her from doing what she loves. I gotta hope her feelings are as strong as mine.”
Cole leaned back, struck by the truth behind Roger’s words. His doubts and worries had never been challenged so directly. Both he and Ned were blinded by emotion when it came to their past, but an outsider like Roger was capable of seeing things more clearly and, like a stick of dynamite, he blew up the walls Cole had erected around his heart.
Cole’s grudge wasn’t rational. He might’ve called all people cheats, but in truth, not all of them were. It was easier to hide in the woods forever than face the loaded gun beyond the trees. That was what the scuffle by the bonfire had been all about. Ned had confronted him, opened his heart in front of everyone, and Cole had bitten his hand and run off, like a dog that had been kicked one time too many. No wonder Ned was done with him after the horrible, vulgar things Cole had told him in front of a crowd.
He’d been a coward who’d rather leave behind the one person who’d made him truly happy than risk that they’d pull the trigger.
“He betrayed me once. It’s hard to forget that it happened.”
Roger frowned. “What? Who? Ned? He was unfaithful?”
Cole scowled. “No. It was… something else. He wasn’t who I thought he was, and because of this—I have the brand because of this,” he said, because Roger had definitely seen it during Cole’s time with the troupe. “And he’d been so sweet back then. How am I supposed to believe it won’t happen again?” he asked as his insides twisted, forcing him to bend forward for relief.
“He was willing to fight for you and lost. But looks like you both got wounds out of it. Only you can decide if he’s worth the risk. Love’s a dangerous thing, but where would we be without it?” Roger patted Cole’s shoulder but his eyes were already trailing after Parita who walked their way in a plain cotton dress, which she’d paired with a long, beaded shawl draped about her form. She looked radiant even with messy hair and a steaming bowl in her hand.
“Can I join you, or is this conversation about something a lady shouldn’t hear?” she asked and winked at Roger.
A small smile tugged at his mouth, and when Cole nodded, glad for a moment’s respite, Parita sat next to her husband and placed a bowl of stew in front of him. “You need more than this gruel if you’re to work all day,” she said and squeezed his thick hand.
Roger squeezed back, and for a moment Cole felt like an intruder in a scene too intimate to share even with close friends. Neither Roger nor Parita spoke, but as their eyes met, Cole sensed an intense burning at the pit of his stomach. He distinctly remembered all the times Ned had looked at him like that. No one else ever had, not with this tenderness that wasn’t erotic in nature and expressed simple yet wonderful things.
I look out for you.
I care for you.
I’m here.
Don’t go.
Only Ned wasn’t here, because Cole had rejected him and fled like the biggest coward, because Ned hadn’t acted the way Cole wanted him to.
He’d been so afraid Ned would betray his trust that he’d done just that himself. After all the years, the punches, the fights, and mean words, Ned had still believed in them until two days ago. Last night in the factory, that spark of hope wasn’t there anymore, and Cole hated himself for snuffing it out in the one man who truly cared for him.
Roger’s cheeks reddened when Parita leaned down for a smooch. “We were just talking about Ned.”
She pulled back her long black hair and met Cole’s gaze. “The man who helped us with the… two issues Jan is still angry about? I was so shaken I didn’t thank him in the end. Is he around?”
Roger shook his head, and his voice dropped to a whisper as if this way he’d hurt Cole’s feelings less. “We won’t be seeing him anymore.”
Cole took a deep breath, struggling against the pressure building in his head. Soon enough, he wouldn’t be able to think at all, but for now his mind was stuck on the memory of Ned’s face and the sadness in his eyes when they’d looked at one another for the last time. It was as if he’d lost the will to fight Cole. As if it no longer mattered. And Cole had no one to blame but himself.
He’d been cruel. And selfish.
Parita’s dark eyebrows furrowed. “Oh, sorry, I forgot about the argument you two had.” She leaned over and patted Cole’s hand. “If you stick around with us, it’ll be easier for you to meet like-minded men.”
Cole didn’t want other men. He wanted Ned. Holding him tight. Submitting to him so pliantly and asking for more. Waking him up with coffee. Kissing him as if there was no tomorrow and no yesterday. Racing him on horseback for no reason. Mocking his flawed bird calls. Seeing all of Cole’s flaws and still wanting to stay by his side.
Cole’s first love. First kiss. First heartbreak.
He’d been right there, offering everything Cole could have wanted if he’d only given Ned a second chance.
He took a deep breath, burned by the two pairs of eyes watching him in expectation, but he couldn’t bring himself to speak or put a name on his feelings. His chest felt raw on the inside, as if fear and anger had clawed at his flesh until it had become torn and bloody, and in that moment there was nothing Cole wanted more than for Ned to sit next to him and press his knee against his thigh.
Still mute due to the growing pressure in his throat, he reached into the inner pocket of his coat and pulled out the old picture, the one he and Ned had taken together less than an hour before their first kiss. And because he wanted Roger and Parita to understand but couldn’t make himself utter a word, he placed the photograph on the table and hid his face in both palms.
Parita was the one to end the long silence with her gentle voice. “Oh, Cole… I’m sorry. I didn’t know he was such an old friend. I thought he was one of your many flings. Does… does he know you still care? Sometimes, in anger, we say things we don’t mean.”
Cole’s inhale sounded suspiciously like a sob, but he placed his hands on the table, uncovering his face to prove that he wasn’t crying. “He did. Until I broke his heart. I left him a note and ran, so I doubt he’d take me back. I wouldn’t have taken me back,” he whispered, each word burning his throat as if it were acid.
Roger shook his head. “So you have nothing left to lose but your dignity. Though I guess that ship has sailed two days ago.”
Cole chuckled, but the smile died on his face as he looked at the happy couple across the table. “You think he won’t spit in my face the moment he sees me?”