“Thank you. You saved me from myself,” Ned whispered, and Cole swallowed hard, surprised to hear that after the harsh words Ned sent his way not that long ago.
“From yourself?”
Ned shrugged, his gaze somewhere on Cole’s collarbone. “I turned myself in. The law was just doing its job.”
Cole found Ned’s hand and squeezed it in both of his as guilt settled on his shoulders like a vulture about to eat his insides. “I pushed you to this. I’m so sorry, Ned.”
“You only did what you felt was right.” Ned sighed and crossed the distance between them to nestle his head against Cole’s neck. The touch of his soft, short hair sent shivers down Cole’s spine, and he put his arms around Ned, closing his eyes to enjoy the sweetness of this quiet moment. Ned had tried to kill himself by execution, and if Cole hadn’t noticed Nugget back at the encampment, if he hadn’t investigated where Ned was right away, he might have lost him. Not to hate or anger but to the hangman.
“I was wrong. You kept giving me chances I didn’t deserve. You did everything right, Ned, and I still wouldn’t stop living in the past. I was too hung up on it to see the truth,” Cole said, gently petting Ned’s back as their hideout trembled on the uneven road. The scent of Ned’s hair lulled him into a sense of safety, and as the vehicle rocked their entwined bodies, Cole felt his rigid muscles relax.
“And what is the truth?” Ned whispered, his voice soft as if he were talking to a baby. “I did what I did, and you’re not obliged to agree with my reasons. But you were right about one thing: I didn’t trust you enough to reveal my history with Tom and lied to your face while you were honest. I’m sorry.”
Cole’s throat felt tight, and he rubbed his nose against Ned’s warm flesh, surprised to hear him acknowledge Cole’s pain. It had been seven years, and no one should be judged on a single mistake, especially not someone like Ned, who so desperately wanted to make up for his sins. “And I did the same thing I blamed you for, didn’t I? I refused to trust you, even after you proved yourself again and again. And just two nights ago, I lied to you in front of everyone,” Cole said, tightening his hold around Ned as his heart thudded with emotion, sending waves of heat through his chest.
“But still came to save me. It’s all right.” Ned stroked Cole’s nape. Each gentle touch of his hand left behind warmth, and as Cole relaxed into the caress, he wished he could be a cat and sleep in Ned’s lap, getting petted each day.
It was so tempting to accept this, to let things take their course and welcome Ned’s forgiveness without telling him the truth, but if some things were left unsaid, they’d become a thorn in Cole’s heart and infect whatever relationship Ned wanted to have with him from now on.
“No. No, it’s not. I failed you. I was a dumb coward and treated you in a way you didn’t deserve. I’m so sorry.”
“You’re not a coward. You walked into a police station for me—”
“No, I am. You know better than anyone how reckless I can be with my life, but my heart is fragile, and I acted the way I did to protect it,” Cole whispered, squirming in shame. “I chose to never believe in people, especially you, because if you betrayed my trust again, it would kill me. But the truth is that I haven’t been happy since we parted. I couldn’t trust another soul, and I was always alone, even when in company. Nobody could ever fill your shoes at my side,” Cole whispered, tightening his hold on Ned as irrational fear set in, telling him Ned would pull away and burst out of their hideout in a bid to get away from him.
He felt something hard against his palm where he put it against Ned’s chest, and when he looked into Ned’s eyes with a question in his own, Ned sighed. He reached into the jacket and pulled out the charred piece of bark Cole knew better than the back of his own hand.
Their initials carved into a heart. A symbol of all the years that had passed and all the stages their love had gone through. Still in Ned’s possession.
“You kept it…” Cole whispered, fighting the ache in his chest.
“Of course I kept it. Do you think you’ll be able to trust me again from now on?” Ned whispered so close to Cole’s ear his words felt like a caress. But they weren’t together. They weren’t intimate, just stuck under a moving wagon. The thought that Ned might never kiss Cole again was already slicing his heart in half.
He’d fucked up so badly, and if Ned needed time to think about the future, Cole would give it to him and pay whatever price Ned demanded.
“Ned, if you have any doubts, I put my life in your hands now. Whatever you want, I’ll give it to you,” Cole said despite fears that Ned might want to take him up on the offer of staying friends. Cole would accept his decision, because being around Ned was better than not having him at all, but hope still burned in his heart, fueled by every gentle touch of Ned’s hands.
Was he imagining things, or had Ned’s heart quickened its thudding against Cole’s chest?
“Forgiveness,” Ned whispered. “We can’t just move on. There’s only a future for us if you forgive me. I didn’t mean to keep lying to you out of malice. I didn’t tell you the truth all those years ago because I was afraid to lose you. You need to know I’ve got no excuse for killing Tom. He wanted to accept us the way we were. We spoke about it on the day everything ended, but I couldn’t let go of my need for vengeance. I’m not a good man, Cole.”
Cole’s mouth went dry, and in that moment he knew there was nothing left to forgive. Fear of being hurt again had been what had kept him from accepting Ned back into his life, but could their reunion really be so simple? Didn’t he deserve punishment for all the pain and humiliation he’d caused Ned?
“Suits me just fine, because I’m not a good man either. Just like Tom wasn’t. I don’t care that he offered to accept us, because I wouldn’t have wanted to stay after what he did in Three Stones. As for forgiveness… I’ve already forgiven you, Neddie,” Cole forced out as his throat closed, hurting as if the words had sharp edges. “I never stopped thinking about you. All those years, I dreamed of a world where we hadn’t parted, and I missed you so much, even when I hated you. It’s so damn messed up,” he said, shutting his eyes when they got uncomfortably damp.
“You missed me?” Ned asked in a voice so gentle Cole would rub against it if he could. His chest was tight, his eyes itched, and speaking became impossible when Ned rubbed Cole’s nape and kissed his ear. He smelled of soap and sweat, but also desert sage, and sand, and the happiest days in Cole’s life.
Cole sobbed, unable to rein in the emotion exploding in his chest at the sheer joy of Ned’s gesture. “I never loved anyone else. When you’re around, I feel like my old self again, as if everything is all right for once. And I almost lost you again,” Cole uttered, glad that darkness would hide the tears rolling down his face uncontrollably. He didn’t remember when was the last time he’d cried, but now that Ned had broken down his defences, he couldn’t stop.
Ned’s arms tightened, cradling Cole so close he could barely breathe. The relief of being kissed and held with such tenderness was like no emotion he’d ever experienced, and he clung to Ned in the sparse light coming in through the gaps in wood.