The only thing keeping me from totally relaxing tonight was the constant need to tell her how I felt. It was like Thanksgiving all over again, but ten times worse. I still didn’t know if she’d ever be ready to give me another chance. Did she prefer to keep me in the friend zone forever and not risk getting hurt again? She’d just gotten out of a relationship, so it wasn’t exactly an ideal time to start anything with someone else anyway. The uncertainty of it all left me unsettled and unable to totally enjoy the evening. I needed to unleash these feelings, but I didn’t want to hear her tell me there would never be another chance for us. So keeping my heart to myself for now felt like the safest thing.
After dinner, we all went into the living room to watch It’s a Wonderful Life. My parents had always insisted on playing that movie every Christmas. This year it was even more important to keep that tradition because it had meant so much to my mother.
Dad sat on the end of the couch, I was in the middle, and Farrah was on the other side. I reminisced a little about our leg games back in the day, but I didn’t make a move. About halfway into the film, though, something incredible happened: Farrah rested her head on my shoulder. It might have been a casual thing, but to me, it was a sign of comfort and trust. This was a huge deal—it meant everything. Still, I warned myself not to take it as a sign to push for more anytime soon. I decided to enjoy it without trying to figure out what it meant for the future. Leaning my head into hers, I took a deep breath of her scent.
Once the movie ended, Dad seemed eager to go, though I was nowhere near ready to leave.
My father put his jacket on. “Farrah and Nathan, it’s been a pleasure, but this old man needs his beauty rest.”
“Thank you for tonight,” I said, pulling Farrah into a hug and savoring every second of her soft breasts pressed against my chest. Feeling her heart beat against mine was a bonus. “This was the best Christmas Eve we could have hoped for.”
I leaned down to kiss her cheek and noticed the changing color of her skin. She still reacted as strongly to me physically as she ever had. Yet I knew I couldn’t act on that.
“Be careful driving,” she said.
“Sweet dreams, beautiful,” I whispered in her ear.
Dad and I each hugged Nathan goodbye and went on our merry way home.
Later that night, back at the house, Dad got a second wind and refused to go to bed just yet. Instead, he decided to make some tea and confront me about my feelings for Farrah.
He steeped his teabag. “Now that the bonehead boyfriend of hers is out of the picture, when are you gonna go in for the kill?”
“That’s not how it works, Dad. I broke her heart. I can’t just move in the first chance I get. I haven’t earned her trust back yet. To be honest, that may never happen.”
My father took a sip of his tea. “I’m still perplexed about some things when it comes to you and her.”
I took a seat across from him. “What is it you don’t get?”
“Why you were so damn afraid of Nathan three years ago? Why’d you let him run you out of town?”
I’d never told Dad about what truly happened the day Mr. and Mrs. Spade were killed. My parents knew I was with them and that I’d escaped injury, but that was the extent of it. Christmas Eve might not have been the opportune time to confess everything to my father, but he’d opened the door for this conversation. My pulse sped up.
Over the next several minutes, I told him everything, from the wailing cries of Farrah’s mother to the way I charged at the assailant. For the first time, I cried over it, something I’d always managed to stop myself from doing. I guess everyone has their breaking point.
Understandably, my father sat there in shock.
“Son, I’m so sorry. I can’t believe I never knew you were suffering with this. Why didn’t you think you could tell me?”
“I guess I just never wanted you or Mom to carry the guilt that I did. It wouldn’t have helped or changed anything if you’d known.”
“We would’ve gladly carried some of the burden and could have helped you see the situation more clearly. I would’ve done everything in my power to convince you that doing what you feel is right is always the best decision, even if the outcome doesn’t turn out in your favor. Their deaths weren’t your fault, Jace. You were a kid. You went with your gut, and your actions were well-intentioned. I’m so sorry you had to go through it, but now I certainly understand better why you stayed away all these years.”
“I’m not running away anymore, Dad. Losing Mom helped me realize I don’t have forever to deal with my demons. So I’m here facing them head-on. I just wish I wasn’t hopelessly in love with someone I still feel guilty about hurting.”
“Farrah doesn’t blame you. Nathan doesn’t blame you for anything anymore. Sounds like the hardest thing is going to be learning not to blame yourself. Self-forgiveness is the hardest kind. But if you can manage that, son, you can manage anything.”
“I’m trying…” I hesitated.
“And I’m happy you’re seeking help,” he added.
“I am too. Talking to my therapist helped me remember something. I haven’t told Farrah or Nathan, though.”
“What is it?”
“Mr. Spade wouldn’t give up the money that day. I have no idea why. Elizabeth was begging him to. So was I. But he wouldn’t turn it over. It was like he didn’t think the guy would actually do anything. I knew better, which was why I tried to get the gun. I wonder now if the whole thing could’ve been avoided if he’d just given the guy the damn money.”
“Absolutely.” My father blew out some air. “That’s unbelievable.”
“But I don’t think I could ever mention it to them.”
He nodded. “You don’t want them to think badly of their father.”
“Yeah. What’s the point? Who knows what he was thinking, and it will only make them feel worse. I don’t want that.”
“I agree. And I’m proud of you. Now that I know the whole story, I realize how much you’ve kept from us over the years. Please don’t hesitate to talk to me if you ever need to. I know I’m not perfect, but you’re my greatest accomplishment. Your mother would’ve felt terrible about you holding this in for so long. I’m sure she’s looking down on you right now, though, feeling just as proud of you as I am.”
“Thank you, Dad.”
After my father went to his room, I was surprised to find I’d missed a text from Farrah about a half hour ago.
Farrah: Any chance you could come back here tonight?
Say what?
My heart came alive.
Hell yes.
I typed as fast as humanly possible.
Jace: I’m sorry I missed your text. I was in the middle of a long conversation with Dad. I finally told him everything…about what happened a decade ago.
Farrah: Oh my God. Wow. Why tonight?
Jace: The old man wouldn’t go to damn sleep. Then he started prying about you and me. Before I knew it, I was bawling and talking about the past.
Farrah: I’m sorry you cried...but it’s good to let it out. I’m glad you did.