He smiled. “Yeah, I noticed.” He looked down momentarily. “The truth is, I practiced breaking that pencil lead for hours. You know, to do it just right so it didn’t look purposeful.”
Despite my still spinning emotions, I managed a smile. “No, you didn’t.”
“I did.”
“Well, you did a fine job. It was very believable.”
Dawson laughed and then pressed his lips together as he raised a brow. “All that to say, I’m really glad you’re here with me, Karys. And I hope we can do it again.”
**********
The snow began to fall a few minutes after I left the coffee shop, sticking to my eyelashes and melting on my skin. For a moment I simply stopped, raising my face and staring at the marvel of white flakes of ice that fell from the sky.
Ahmad had told me about snow and ice. He’d told me about hurricanes, tsunamis, and things I’d never heard of as a girl of the sand and sun. But to learn of something was one thing, to experience it was quite another.
Snow was . . . wondrous and magical and . . . very cold.
I buried my hands in my pockets, lowering my head halfway into my scarf.
My gaze caught on a lone figure sitting on a bus stop bench under a plastic overhang. Zakai. My breath clouded in front of me as I stood, indecisive and uncertain. His head rose and our eyes met across the street, a vacant desert stretched between us, empty but blazing with heat that burned and blistered.
My feet began to move before I’d instructed them to. I saw Zakai begin to stand, but then, apparently changing his mind, he sunk back down and awaited my approach. By the set of his shoulders, I got the sense he was bracing himself. Did it hurt him to be cruel to me? Was it worth it for some reason I couldn’t comprehend?
Would he explain it to me like an equal? Or would he distort and conceal? The hurt I’d felt at the coffee shop billowed up again, but with it came a vestige of ire and resentment. He’d lied to me. Had it all been lies? Always? And if it wasn’t, why was I so easy to discard now? To hurt and betray?
“It’s snowing. You should get home,” he said when I’d made it to where he sat.
I pulled my coat tighter. It was warm and thick. Zakai was the one who was dressed inadequately for the weather.
“Why are you doing this?”
“Doing what?”
“Being cruel to me! What did I do to you?”
“You didn’t do anything, Karys. We just have different lives right now, and we each have to live them.”
“We don’t have to have different lives! You’re creating this distance between us.”
“No, little star. It’s happening naturally.”
“Don’t call me that,” I said, tears threatening. “You don’t get to call me that after treating me like a nobody! And nothing is happening naturally. You’re making it what it is.”
Devastation gripped me tightly and with a choked sob I turned, rushing out into the street where a horn blared loudly, a taxi cab skidding as the driver slammed his brakes to avoid me. I heard Zakai yell my name and I let out a small scream, almost slipping too, but then catching myself, and reversing course around the car. The driver stuck his head out the window and yelled something at me but I continued on, the sound of Zakai’s footsteps pounding behind me. The snow came down harder, obscuring my vision, and with a muffled cry, I ducked into a doorway, pressing my body against the brick wall, my quickened breath coming out in white plumes of vapor.
“Karys! What the hell are you doing?” Zakai demanded, his form crowding the narrow opening, his own breath a cloud of white. He stepped deeper into the doorway and I moved farther back. The look on his face was both angry and afraid. “God Almighty! Are you stupid? You almost got yourself killed!”
“If I’m stupid, it’s thanks to you!” I yelled.
A shiver went through him and he pulled his worn coat tighter.
“What are you talking about?”
My sadness caught fire, leaping into flames of anger. “Did you ever really love me?” I demanded.
Zakai eyed me warily. “Of course I loved you.”
“But not like an equal. Like a child! You sheltered me. You kept me ignorant. You encouraged my fear. All those years. What an idiotic fool I must have seemed to you!”
Zakai had become very still and he watched me now the way he’d watch a cobra about to strike. “I protected you,” he said evenly. “I kept you happy! Did you want to be bitter like me, Karys? Did you want to hate?”
He moved closer, and the opaque steam of our breaths mingled, the rhythm of our chests rising and falling in synchronicity.
“I wanted to be one with you,” I said. “I wanted to share your burdens and your fears. Hate then or hate now? Is one better than the other, Zakai? Hate Haziq? Hate the customers who watched and bought us? Who stole our dignity and our freedom? Who mocked and abused us? Or hate you?” I pushed his chest and though his body jerked backward, he did not step away. “I deserved the truth,” I said. “Instead, Brax says I was brainwashed.”
Rage blossomed across Zakai’s expression, the slow opening of a beautiful, yet dark and deadly flower. He stepped even closer, causing me to press more fully against the rough brick. I heard someone trudge past the alcove where we stood, but the heavy snowfall acted as a doorway, obscuring us from view.
“Oh, Brax says,” Zakai hissed. “What else does Brax say? Does he admit he wants to get between those sweet little thighs? Does he tell you he wishes he’d broken in your pretty body in all the ways I—”
The slap rang out before I even realized I’d raised my hand. His head whipped back and I sucked in a shocked breath, blinking as I waited for him to turn. He brought his face around slowly, his lips tipping in a humorless smile.
“He tells me the truth,” I said. “He respects me enough to handle it. He doesn’t make me feel like a pretty little idiot.”
A bead of blood appeared at the corner of Zakai’s mouth where his tooth must have connected with his lip. My limbs trembled and my chest ached with too many emotions to name. I felt outside of myself and yet I was hyper aware of every breath, every flicker of Zakai’s expression, every beat of my racing heart.
He leaned in toward me and I pressed backward. His scent surrounded me, his body blocking out the cold. Time stilled even as our breath quickened, my pulse ratcheting higher.
He wrapped his fingers slowly around my neck, his eyes latched onto mine, watching intently, embers glowing in his obsidian eyes. His hand was warm against my skin, his fingers closing more tightly as his gaze grew more focused . . . waiting for . . . what? I sucked in a small breath through my closing airway. Our gazes were glued together and I felt as though even if I’d wanted to, I couldn’t have looked away.
I felt him fumbling with his zipper and a wave of hot arousal shot through me, an answering surge of moisture pooling between my thighs. Yes, yes, yes.
His fingers tightened even more and the back of my head thudded against the brick, making me wince. Zakai’s gaze sharpened. My nipples were tight, hard points, aching for the warmth of his mouth, his tongue. I tried to groan but no sound emerged.
He raised my sweater dress and pulled down my tights and underwear, just enough so he could slip his hand between my legs. He didn’t break eye contact as he slipped a finger into my wet warmth, his gaze growing lazy, his focus wavering. He exhaled a shaky breath, removing his finger and pressing closer, using his hand to guide his hard length into me, thrusting me against the wall with one rough stroke. His fingers tightened around my neck, making it almost impossible to breathe.