Like a light going on, I think it dawns on him what a spectacle he’s making, and how he’s taken things too far. His lip starts to tremble as he glances at me, then looks at Mace.
“Can… can we come back?” he asks.
“No, you fuckin’ can’t.” After that pronouncement, Lizard storms off.
“I’ll walk you out.” Mace’s voice has dropped to a more reasonable tone.
Now it’s stopped raining, the sun has come out and the pavement is steaming. Really this weather should be the other way around, black clouds would better match my current mood.
Mace sees us into my car then stands with the driver’s door open, bending down to talk to us inside.
“I’m sorry, Vanna, Cas, but this isn’t working. Hear me out, Cas.” Mace hardens his voice as my son starts to voice an objection. “Lizard isn’t ever going to recognise you. You can see the place he’s in now. He’s happy with his life, and anything you tell him wouldn’t be appreciated.” He pauses, and sighs. “I know my brother. If Liz knew his responsibilities, say you took a DNA test and proved it to him—and believe me, that’s what it would take—and you removed any doubts he could have in his head, you’d fuck him up more. He’d step up, give you money. But hell, Vanna,” his eyes go to Cas’s and he gives it to him straight, “right now he doesn’t even like Cas.”
“He’s my dad,” Cas says quietly, a sob in his voice. So alien from my boy who tries so hard to pretend he’s a grown man.
Without looking in that direction, Mace waves his hand behind him. “Every man here chose this family. Blood counts for nothing. Told you, you had to work for his respect, Cas. Well, you’ve lost it now.”
Cas wipes a tear from his eyes, then looks at the wetness on the back of his hand as though he can’t believe what it is. I can’t remember the last time he cried.
“Look,” Mace continues, “I hope it works out for you. If Cas needs a lawyer, Mel’s dad is an attorney who lives in Denver. He can perhaps find one to help you out.” I go to tell him I’m all set for that, but in the end I don’t bother. The offer is a nice gesture and I shouldn’t be throwing it back in his face. But I can’t take any help from the club, especially when he continues, “It’s best that you don’t come back. Best for Lizard and best for you.” He glances at Cas, then focuses on my face. “It’s not doing you or Cas any good, Vanna.”
I can’t tell him that’s a lie.
He closes the door, a jerk of his chin replacing the word goodbye. Then he nods at Karl who opens the gate, and I start the engine and drive out.
Cas leans around, watching the compound fade in the distance behind us. We’re a few miles away before he speaks.
“I fucked up good this time, didn’t I, Mom?”
Fighting back my own tears, I don’t reply. Not even to admonish him for swearing. Mace was right, it’s best we keep away from the compound. Lizard had said it himself; he doesn’t want Cas anywhere near him, and as for me? He couldn’t have put it any better. I’m not his type.
Chapter Nineteen
Mace
Fuck it! I slam my hand on the bar top. Seems like I can’t help doing wrong by trying to do right.
“Beer?”
“Whisky.” I snarl my response at Dirt. A tumbler is in my hand double fast. I drain it in two gulps, then ask for another. The second goes down only fractionally slower, but I’m beginning to mellow at last. That kid’s face. He knew he’d gone too far. But he wanted too much, too fast. Cas had assured Vanna, and also me, that he understood the situation, that Lizard couldn’t remember wasn’t his fault. But it must have been hard for him to stand there this morning and hear his father deny him and then say his mother wasn’t someone he’d have gone for. All the pleasure had been wiped from Cas’s face, and the boy I’d found myself taking to the shop must be the one Vanna had to deal with each day.
My reaction had been the right one, hadn’t it? My loyalty is first and foremost to my brother. At first, I’d thought, maybe Lizard deserved to discover the family he’d lost, but it’s obvious he and Cas didn’t take to each other, and he’s better off left in ignorance.
Vanna could push it, but as she hasn’t tackled the issue, or come after what’s rightfully hers, child support at the least, in the last ten years. I’m sure she isn’t going to cause trouble now. Christ, it must have hurt when Lizard had so rudely dismissed her earlier today. Sure, he has his choice of younger pussy, but Vanna’s not that old.
She’d taken care with her appearance today, and no one had told her how good she looked, and fuck me, but I feel guilty about that. I had been going to remark on it, but the time hadn’t been right. Even with her new hairdo, stylish clothes which hugged her still good figure, Lizard hadn’t given her a second glance. She wasn’t, as he’d put it so succinctly, his type.
Still, I’d gotten up close and personal with the type of shit she has to deal with, with that kid. I doubt she’s allowed him to run wild, but he’s done that anyway. If ever a boy needed a father’s guiding hand, that was Cas. But he’s not going to get that from Lizard, and while I admire Vanna, I’m no more the settling down type than my brother.
Though, Liz had been a family man at one time, and according to Vanna, they’d been happy. It’s clear though, that ship has sailed now.
“Are you feeling alright, Lizard?” I hear called from behind me and turn to spy what Vi is talking about. Liz is chasing down tablets with his beer.
“Another headache?” I sympathise as I walk over, hoping Cas’s behaviour had nothing to do with it.
He nods, then puts his hand to his head, clearly regretting his action.
“You go to the optometrist like you were going to?”
Keeping his head still as he remembers not to move it again, he confirms, “My vision’s twenty-twenty she said. No need for glasses.”
So his headaches must be something else. “You go to your VA appointment?”
His lips press together, then he admits, “Not yet, but I think I will. Can’t keep putting up with these pains, Mace.”
“You have been getting them a lot. Advil work?”
“Eventually. Maybe they can prescribe something stronger.”
The fact he’s even thinking about it shows his pain must be bad. “If you want company when you go, I’ll be with you, Brother.”
He leans his head back against the couch and sighs. “At least it’s back to normal now without the kids.”
“Yeah.” I grin. “Will save us a few bucks at least, but I’m going to miss Esme.”
“She won’t see that drawing of hers Ink’s doing on your bike.”
She might. I’ve already thought of taking a ride down to Flagstaff to show her once it’s done, and to check she’s doing alright.
“Oh fuck no.” Sparky’s voice sounds from the bar and his fist thumps the wood. “Not a-fuckin-gain.”
Turning around, I groan.
“What’s up, Brother?” Lizard asks without opening his eyes.