“Can I play a game on your phone?”
“Sure.” I rifled through my purse in the passenger seat, finding my phone. Then I handed it back to him.
August unlocked the screen with the code, though his face worked at times too.
I’d be forever grateful to Devan, August’s father, for helping me create this magnificent boy. But I was also forever grateful that August looked exactly like me. He had my blond hair, though his had been lightened by the Arizona summer sun, whereas I got mine highlighted at the salon. We shared the same nose and the same brown eyes. August’s second toe was longer than his big toe, something he’d also inherited from me.
He was mine.
Mine alone. The lawyer I’d hired when August was a newborn had assured me that once Devan had signed his rights away, Gus was mine.
It wasn’t the life I’d wanted for my son, to grow up without a father, but it was better this way. Devan hadn’t wanted a child and no amount of coercion would have turned him into a decent parent.
So I showered my son with love and attention. I would, shamelessly, for the rest of his life.
Good luck to any girlfriend he brought home. Fathers were allowed to put boyfriends through an interrogation. Well, this mother was taking that liberty too.
The sound of a math game drifted through the cab as August played on my phone. The dings and chimes of the app mixed with the hum from the wheels on the road.
And I breathed as the miles toward California whipped by.
It was only a state. Only a name. But somewhere along the way after we’d left Temecula, California had become synonymous with the past.
California meant hungry days. California meant dark nights. California meant death.
It was the reason Aria wouldn’t go back. Same with Katherine. Neither of them had any desire to set foot in California again. Maybe, if I’d begged, Aria would have come with me, but I wouldn’t have asked that from her. Besides, she’d just had a baby and was in no shape for a road trip.
Aria and Brody were currently enduring the sleepless, grueling nights as parents of a newborn. Logistically, it made sense for me to take this trip now. Brody was both brother-in-law and boss, so while he was taking time to spend with Aria and the baby, there was a lull in work to do as his assistant. With August on summer break from school, this was the window.
Or maybe I knew that if I kept avoiding the trip, I’d never take it.
I could do this.
I have to do this.
Because for twelve years, I’d been holding on to a hope. A distant hope, but one powerful enough that it had kept me from letting go and moving forward.
It was time.
After only thirty minutes, August gave up on his math game. He asked me another long string of questions, and then by some miracle, he fell asleep. Swimming at the hotel last night must have worn him out.
He was drooped in his chair, his head hanging down at an angle that would have given me a neck kink, when we approached the California border. Elyria sat on the coast, north of San Diego, and we still had hours to drive, but crossing the border was a hurdle of its own.
I’d opted for a southern route through Arizona, wanting to avoid Los Angeles traffic. And Temecula.
Visiting California was enough for one weekend. Returning to the town where we’d spent our childhood was an entirely different matter. Temecula had happy memories from the early years, from the happy lives Aria and I had lived before our parents had been killed in a car accident when we were ten. After that, I could count the number of happy memories on one hand. Temecula was full of ghosts, and though they still called to me at times, I wouldn’t go there even with August as my steadfast companion.
This trip was about closure. It was about Karson. That was plenty.
I gripped the wheel, my heart in my throat, as I passed the sign at the state border. California.
My stomach rolled and sweat beaded at my temple. I sucked in a long breath, dragging it through my nose to then push out my mouth. In and out. In and out, Clara. Just like Karson had taught me years ago when he’d witnessed one of my panic attacks.
I hadn’t had one in years.
My hands were trembling when my phone rang. I stretched for it in the passenger seat, checking that August was still asleep. It always amazed me that he could sleep through about anything.
“Hey,” I answered, not at all surprised that my sister was calling. Whether it was a twin thing or a sister thing, we usually had a good pulse on each other’s moods, even thousands of miles apart.
“Hi.” Aria yawned. “Are you okay?”
“No,” I admitted. “This is harder than I thought it would be.”
“Are you in California?”
“Yes.” I blew out a trembling breath. “I can do this, right?”
“You can do this. You’re the bravest person I know.”
“No, you are.”
Aria had brought us both through the hardest time in our lives. While I’d fallen apart after our parents’ deaths, she’d kept us moving. Ten-year-old me had gone comatose for a few weeks, mostly from the shock. What kid wouldn’t buckle under that much heartbreak? Aria. Maybe it was because I’d needed her and she’d stayed strong. She’d kept me going through the motions until the fog of grief had cleared.
Then I’d vowed never to fall apart again. As a child, I’d made good on that promise to myself. As an adult and parent, failing was not an option.
Aria thought I could make this trip and she was right. I could do this.
Granted, she didn’t know what had happened with Karson. Maybe if she knew the truth, she would have given me different advice.
“How are you doing? How’s Trace?” I asked, needing a different topic to focus on.
“We’re both good.” There was a smile in her voice and a tiny squeak hit my ear. “He’s nursing. I think he likes his name.”
“Because it’s perfect.” Broderick Carmichael the Third. Trace. It had taken them over five days to give the baby a name, but when I’d called to check in last night from the hotel, Aria and Brody had proudly announced Trace.
“How is the drive?” Aria asked.
“It’s fine. Taking forever according to August.”
Aria laughed and yawned again.
“I’ll let you go. Take a nap if you can, okay?”
“That’s the plan. Brody fell asleep about an hour ago. Once he wakes up, we’re switching.”
I was glad she had him. I was glad he had her.
Maybe it had been watching my sister fall in love with my friend that had been the final push to send me on this trip. Someday, maybe, I wanted love. I wanted a man to hold me at night. I wanted a man who’d be a good role model to August. I wanted a man who made me feel cherished.
Until I confronted the past, I’d always wonder. I’d always compare.
I’d always think of Karson.
“Call me when you get there,” Aria said.
“I will.”
“Take a picture of Karson with the car if you can. I think Londyn would like to see that.”
“Good idea. I think she would too,” I said. “Love you.”
“Love you. Bye.”
When I ended the call, the anxiety from earlier had lessened. That was the way with my sister. On a bad day, we had each other. It had been that way our entire lives.