His head spun back to his mommy.
She was gone, too. Like she never existed.
He screamed for her and began to run toward the black van parked in the spot next to theirs. He had to warn her. He had to stop those men.
He needed to make sure he didn’t get caught so he could tell the police about the stranger danger.
He sucked in air as he ran and yelled, “Stranger danger!” as loud as he could. His lungs burned and his throat hurt like when he got sick. Hot tears slid down his cheeks.
He swiped them away, rubbed at his eyes and yelled, “Stranger danger!” again. Why wasn’t anyone helping them?
When Julian slipped between the two vans, he spotted his mommy. And those two men.
He could see the whites of his mommy’s eyes and she looked really, really scared.
He needed to be brave. He needed to save his mommy.
It was all up to him. Nobody was coming to help them. Nobody cared.
He needed to be a brave boy. She told Julian after the last time his daddy left that he was the man of the house now.
She had been on her knees in front of him, grabbing onto his shirt, the one with the Kool-Aid stain that she wanted to throw away. “You’re the man of the house now, Julian.”
He didn’t understand. “Where did Daddy go? Isn’t he coming back?”
His mommy had begun to cry even harder, but he didn’t like when she cried. “He went home.”
Home? “Daddy lives here.”
She shook her head, not bothering to wipe her tears away, so Julian did it for her by pressing his hands to her cheeks. “No, he only came to visit. He has another home, another family, somewhere else.”
He didn’t understand that, either. “He’s not coming back to visit?”
She shook her head again. Her loud sob made his tummy hurt. “He doesn’t want his other family to know about you. About us.”
He began to cry just like his mommy. After tugging him into her arms and squeezing him until he couldn’t breathe, she whispered into his ear, “You’re the man of the house now, Julian, so you need to be brave. For Mommy.”
He needed to be brave for Mommy. He promised her he would. His mommy also told him keeping promises was important.
So, he needed to save her from the bad men even though he knew what was coming next. What always happened next.
He had to at least try this time. Maybe this time he’d be able to do it. To change what happened next.
She wasn’t tied up yet. She was struggling, screaming his name, encouraging him to run.
He couldn’t run. He couldn’t leave her. He needed to save her.
You’re the man of the house now, Julian.
As she fought the men trying to tie her up, her hand reached out for him. He rushed to the side of the van and reached out, too.
The tips of their fingers touched and she grasped for his hand, trying to get a better grip, but their fingers kept slipping. A syringe appeared in one of the man’s hands and he was about to jab Mommy with it. An arm snaked around his waist and jerked him away. He desperately tried to keep his hand connected with hers, because if they didn’t...
If they didn’t, they’d be separated forever. They’d never see each other again.
Except for in that big room in a big house full of strange men.
After that? He wouldn’t be able to see her at all.
So, he couldn’t let her hand go. He couldn’t.
“Mommy!” He used all his strength to break free of the man to lunge for her hand. But all he grabbed was air. “Mommy, no!”
The van was gone. The men were gone.
His mommy was gone.
And soon, so was Julian.
Never to exist again.
Gulping air into his searing lungs, Shade jackknifed up, confused. He blinked the burn from his eyes and swiped at the beaded sweat on his brow, his chest pumping and his panting rapid and ragged.
Why now? Why this fucking nightmare now?
He knew why.
“Mom?” he heard through the closed bedroom door.
What the fuck was going on?
He twisted his head to see a pale Chelle, also sitting up and staring at him with wide eyes full of confusion and shock, seeing him for the freak he was.
The freak they created.
He closed his eyes again and tried to slow both his breathing and his heartbeat.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck!
“Mom? Is everything okay?” came again through the door.
“Yes, Josie. It’s...” She turned her attention from the door back to Shade. After a slight hesitation, she called out, “Everything is fine.” She tried to make it sound believable, but Shade saw the truth in her face.
Everything wasn’t fine. Not for her. Not for him.
He should have warned her. Because this was what the fuck happened when he didn’t drink and smoke himself into oblivion at night so he could sleep without remembering.
He’d gone almost two weeks without one fucking drink due to his meds and he only smoked a bowl out on the balcony when Chelle and the girls weren’t home. For fuck’s sake, at night before bed, somebody was always home.
“But I heard Shade yelling for his mom.”
“It was just a bad dream. Go back to bed.”
“Mom?” A slight pause, then, “Are you okay?”
“Yes, baby, I’m okay. Thanks for checking on us. We’re fine.”
Another hesitation, a little longer this time. He could hear the reluctance in Josie’s voice when she announced, “Okay, we’re going back to bed.”
We’re going back to bed. That meant Maddie was out there, too. He had woken both her daughters and made them worry about their mother.
Shade waited a few pounding heartbeats for them to move away from the door before he muttered, “Sorry you gotta lie to them.” He swung his legs off the bed, grabbed the crutches propped against the nightstand next to his side of the bed and pulled himself to a stand.
Two more fucking days. Two more and he could stop using the crutches and brace and get back to normal.
Right. Normal.
When the fuck had his life ever been normal?
He clenched his jaw and yanked open the nightstand drawer, grabbing the pipe, lighter and tin of bud Easy had refilled for him the other day. He didn’t bother to watch Chelle’s reaction at seeing it stored in her bedroom.
He made his way to the French doors, unlocked them and awkwardly made his way through them, then shut himself outside. He sighed when the bedroom light turned on inside and cast a glow through the door over the seat he settled in. He propped the crutches against the wood railing and his foot on the only other chair on the tiny balcony. He dumped his shit in his lap so he could fill his metal pipe.
Fuck it. Chelle most likely wouldn’t approve of him smoking, but the balcony was private and unless the girls recognized the smell, they’d never know. Though, he was pretty sure Chelle’s daughters knew what pot smelled like. While they hadn’t come out and directly confessed, they’d both hinted to him they’d tried it at least once. Maybe more. But without numbing his brain, he wouldn’t get through the next few minutes, the next hour, or the rest of the night.
He was packing the pot tightly in the bowl with his finger when the door opened and Chelle came out wearing her robe and slippers since the mid-October night was cool.
He didn’t bother to look at her, but had no choice when she lifted his bare foot from the seat of the chair, settled in its place and tucked his foot back on her lap, her warm hands holding it there to prevent him from pulling away.