Ronan led me into the house and stopped in the kitchen, unsure. “You want to rest on the couch or…?”
“In my room. I’m about to pass out. Being terrified is fucking exhausting.”
He nodded. Now that the immediate danger was over, I was acutely aware of how alone we were. Our kiss came back to me, a kiss unlike any I’d ever had before. One I could feel somewhere deep inside me.
But he’d broken it off suddenly and left me alone in the car, cutting me loose.
“You don’t have to stay,” I said. “I’m fine.”
“You sure?”
“I’m sure,” I lied.
“Okay,” he said slowly. “Goodnight.”
He started to go, and the fear swept back in. A night alone stretched in front of me.
“Wait.”
He turned.
“I…I…” My jaw worked soundlessly. I had no idea how to tell him I needed him. I’d never said the words before.
Ronan nodded as if he’d heard me and his hard expression softened. “You want some water?”
“Now that you mention it…”
“Go lie down and I’ll bring it,” he said, and I knew what he was doing. Sparing us the awkwardness of walking into my bedroom together.
In my room, I turned on the rainbow lights; they gave a soft glow that was soothing after the harsh hospital fluorescents. I sank heavily on my bed and kicked off my shoes. My strength was draining out minute by minute. I tipped over and curled up on my side, head on the pillow.
Ronan came in, a glass of water in hand. His inherent sexiness that was raw and potent was made beautiful by the multicolored lights.
He set the glass on the nightstand next to a photo of Violet and me when we were kids. His gaze swept the room, taking in my art and scribblings and ceramics, his hands in his pockets as if to keep from touching anything.
I pushed myself to sitting and took a long pull of water. I set the glass down with a shaky hand and nearly knocked it off the table. Ronan’s hand shot out and steadied it.
“Are you sure you’re okay?”
I curled back up. “I don’t know,” I whispered. “I don’t think so.”
He nodded again and took off his jacket, revealing a black T-shirt. In the dim light, he was mostly black—shirt, hair, the tattoos that inked his perfect arms. He sat on the floor beside my bed, his jacket tucked behind him like a pillow.
“What are you—?”
“I’m staying until you fall asleep.”
I studied his profile, his lips that had been on me, my mouth, my skin…
A pleasurable shiver slipped through me, then faded out. Something had spooked him that afternoon we kissed. His own baggage, maybe. Stuff he wouldn’t tell me.
“I’m no better,” I muttered, my thoughts getting ahead of my tired brain and escaping.
Ronan’s head turned to me. “What…?”
“I didn’t tell you everything. Back at the hospital.”
“You don’t have to tell me anything.”
“I know. Neither one of us are very good at this—talking about our stuff. I need to, but I can’t if you’re all the way down there on the floor.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, I’m not going to ask anything of you, Ronan. We’re not…compatible,” I said with an ache in my chest. “Or maybe we have too much stuff in the way, but…I’d like you to come up here. No kissing. I know you think that was a mistake.”
He stiffened. “Shiloh…”
“It’s okay. It was. Because I’m kind of a mess, though no one knows it. But I want to come clean a little. Okay?”
He hesitated, then nodded. I scooted over until my back was touching the wall, and Ronan sat on the edge of my full-sized bed. His weight made it dip, my heart dipping with it, my stomach fluttering. He took off his boots and then maneuvered his large body to lie down next to me on his side so that we were face to face in the dark.
This close, the masculine beauty of his face resting on my pillow was almost overwhelming. I shut my eyes.
“I didn’t think it was possible to be this tired.”
“You should sleep.”
“Then I’ll be alone. And I’m so tired of being alone.”
Ronan said nothing for a moment, then sighed, his breath warm and clean. “Me too.”
“It’s my fault though.” I forced my eyes open and nodded at the photo of me and Vi. “We were so close. She used to tell me everything. But you can only do that for so long without getting anything in return. I mean, my first call in the hospital should have been to my best friend, right? But it was you.”
Ronan’s voice was low and rumbling in the dark. “I’m not sorry about that.”
Another dip in my stomach, as if I were drunk or on a kiddie rollercoaster at the Boardwalk. “Me neither.” I inhaled, then exhaled. “A few hours before Bibi fell, I walked in on her talking on the phone with my mother.”
“Okay.”
“I knew it was Mama because Bibi gets this look on her face when she’s on the line. A look I never see her wear, like she’s nervous. Bibi was upset. Angry, even. She kept glancing at me and finally took the call out to the yard.”
“What was it about?”
“She wouldn’t tell me. Mama is the only dead zone between Bibi and me. A place where our honesty breaks down. I begged and then practically demanded to know what was going on. Bibi said Mama had been drinking, and it was all nonsense. But I don’t think that’s a hundred percent true.” I swallowed hard. “But I do know, whatever they talked about, it didn’t include Mama wanting to talk to me.”
Ronan didn’t deny that or try to comfort me with scenarios that he couldn’t possibly know were true or not. He was just there, listening. And that was all I needed.
“She hates me, Ronan,” I said, my throat tightening. “My mother hates me.”
“That can’t be true. All moms love their kids.”
I shook my head against the pillow. “Not her.”
“Then she’s not your mom, Shiloh,” Ronan said. “Not really. And if she’s not, then what does it matter what she thinks? It’s her loss. She’s the one who’s missing out. Not you.”
I let his words settle around me like a blanket. “Easier said than done. To stop caring, I mean.”
“I know.”
“Were you close to your mom?”
He rolled onto his back and stared up at the ceiling. “Yeah, I was.” He swallowed; I heard the click in this throat and watched his Adam’s apple bob. “I couldn’t save her.”
“Save her…? I thought you said you were eight when she died.”
“Yeah, but I was there and I… Never mind.”
“You can tell me.”
He shook his head. “This night isn’t about me. You need to rest.”
“You’re a good guy, Ronan,” I said. He started to protest but I talked over him. “You are. I’m not good for anyone. I’m closed off. Bibi says so and she’s right. I hate this. So helpless against what I feel about her and…”
You…