“My insurance is barebones,” I said. “It covers customer safety and theft, not vandalism. And the repairs, the clean-up…” I shook my head with a sour laugh. “It’s fitting, isn’t it? I worked my ass off for that shop to prove to Mama that I was worth something. That I could create something beautiful, and it was smashed and ruined and painted black, just like Mama’s life was that night. She was vandalized too.”
Bibi squeezed my hand tighter. “One step at a time. We’re going to get all this sorted out and made better. But first things first. Shower and food.”
I relented and stood on trembling legs. “Where’s Ronan?”
“He went back to the shop,” she said.
“God,” I muttered. “He’d better not spend his money—”
“Shiloh,” Bibi said sternly. “That boy loves you and wants to help. Let him.”
Tears welled in my eyes. “How can he love me, Bibi? Now that he knows… How can anyone love me?”
“Oh, honey…”
The enormity of it tried to get me but I couldn’t let it. Not yet. It was too much. Terrifying.
Bibi helped me into the bathroom. I brushed my teeth and showered. After, she handed me a towel and walked with me back to my room. She’d laid out clean underwear and a short nightgown I wore in the summer. My sheets had been changed.
I dressed and climbed back into bed. Bibi brought a bowl of homemade black-eyed peas and collards soup.
“Had to keep myself busy and thought the soup would be easy on your stomach.”
“Thanks,” I said, taking the bowl. For Bibi’s sake, I had a few bites, and she was right, I felt slightly stronger. Strong enough to ask what I didn’t want to ask.
“What happened with Frankie? Was Ronan right?”
“I spoke with Detective Harris this morning. The police questioned him last night.”
“And?”
“Harris said they didn’t have probable cause to arrest him. He had an alibi—at home with his father all night.”
The soup wanted to come back up. I set the bowl on my nightstand.
“Shiloh…” Bibi said as I slunk under the covers and curled in a ball.
“I’m tired. I just want to sleep a little more, okay?”
I heard her sigh, and I hated that she worried about me but not enough to sit up and eat her soup and pretend like my life wasn’t falling apart.
The bed dipped as Bibi left. The tears threatened again but I dove into sleep before the grief could find me.
When I woke next, it was dark, and Ronan was where I’d seen him last—sitting on the floor as if he were waiting for me.
“Hey,” I said softly.
His head came up instantly, and he unfolded his tall body to sit at the foot of my bed. “Hey. How do you feel?”
“That’s a loaded question.” I sat up, toyed with the coverlet. “I’m having a hard time not wallowing in self-pity, honestly. Part of me wants to get up and go to the shop and work. Work even harder… But part of me wants to curl up under the covers and not come out.”
“I know.”
“Bibi said Frankie wasn’t arrested.”
“No, he wasn’t.” Ronan’s voice was still and dangerous, like black water.
“But you’re sure it was him?”
He nodded.
I sighed. “Guess it doesn’t matter. It’s done.”
“I’m handling it,” Ronan said.
Something in the way he said that made me shiver. “You don’t have to—”
“Yes, I do. It’s my fault.”
“Yours? How?”
“Doesn’t matter.”
I plucked at the cover. He was down at the foot of my bed and I was at the head, and he wasn’t touching me. He wanted to leave; I could practically feel it vibrating off of him. And then I couldn’t take anymore. Losing him…
“You don’t have to stay,” I said, the swell of emotion beginning to rise like a river threatening to overrun its banks. “In fact…” I swallowed the tears, but they gathered behind my eyes with a hot, achy pressure. “If you don’t want to see me anymore, I’ll understand.”
His head whipped up to look at me. “What?”
I shook my head, my gaze on my hands. My hands that were like my mother’s but with his blood flowing underneath. “After what Mama said… I get it. I can hardly stand myself right now.”
Ronan shot off the end of the bed to sit beside me. His hands gripped my shoulders, then slipped up over my cheeks, holding my face. “Fuck, Shiloh, no…”
I shook my head, the first tears spilling over and running down to his fingers. “I think I knew. I think I always knew, somewhere down deep. So I tried so hard to prove I was…more. That I had a purpose here.” The sobs were in my chest now, stealing my breath, tearing my voice to tatters. “But she could never stand to look at me and I…I get it now. My whole life…it’s her pain. That’s what I am. I’m a walking, talking reminder of that night… Half of me is him. A monster…”
The dam burst and the sobs poured out. Wracking, choking sobs I’d been holding in for years. Stagnant and poisonous. Ronan’s arms went around me, and he pulled me into him. Held me tight so that I could collapse. At long last, I fell apart. I cried like I’d never let myself cry, and he held the broken pieces of me together.
“You’re not…” he said gruffly into my hair. “You’re so fucking beautiful, inside and out. And brave, Shiloh. So brave.”
“I’m not brave,” I cried against his chest. “I’m scared. I don’t know what to do.”
“You don’t have to do anything right now,” he said, his voice rumbling in my ear. “I got you. I’m going to fix things, Shiloh. I swear it.”
“Do you…still love me?”
He sucked in a shocked breath. “Shiloh…yes. Christ, of course, I do. But what happened to your shop—”
“It happened. I don’t want to think about it right now,” I said. The sobs had emptied me out and I felt like a shell that could collapse or blow away. I needed something—him—to anchor me down, to keep me from fading away altogether. “I need you, Ronan.” I kissed his chin, his lips, pulling him to me. “Please…I need to go away with you for a little while.”
“Shiloh, wait…”
“Please.” I kissed his neck, my hands going into his hair. “Bibi’s asked me a thousand times what I need. This is what I need. You. Please…”
I found his mouth with mine and kissed him, the tears burning up in heated desperation.
He relented for a moment, kissing me deep, and then stiffened and took me by the shoulders. “Shiloh…I can’t. You’re upset.”
“Yes, I’m upset,” I said fiercely. “But I know what I’m doing. What I want. I want you, Ronan. I want…us.”
The truth of it reached him. More than anything, I needed to know we were okay. If Ronan could still love me, then I might have a chance of surviving this. I could get out of bed in the morning and get back to work.
He held my face in his hands, his silver eyes boring into mine. “I love you.”