I filled the wait time by doing something useful. I hurried below to conduct one last check of the cabin Grant and I had shared for two glorious weeks.
Tears filled my eyes and then spilled down both cheeks while I spent several long minutes looking around the room, heatedly debating with myself.
Should I go or stay?
A simple decision from the outside, but not from within.
Part of me felt like leaving the room, let alone the boat, would be like already giving up on him. On us. On everything we’d shared during this journey. It felt like I was minimizing every promise we made. Erasing every forward step we’d taken together. There would be no history recorded to prove we did the work. There would be no evidence we put in the time. The hopes and dreams we told each other, the laughs we laughed—even the tears we cried in here—would all be gone.
Just like he was.
My tears came harder. Anguish choked me, making it difficult to breathe. “Damn it,” I gritted beneath my breath. “Stop it!”
I refused to just give it all up. Not again. I already knew I wasn’t good at moving on. I’d just had a harsh lesson from that textbook. I knew it didn’t end well for a girl like me.
So I was choosing the only path that remained.
The resolve that made sense.
I had to help Elijah find him. This damsel in distress bit didn’t suit me either. Just before Grant left with the pirates, I’d quietly promised him I’d be brave. I wasn’t about to take it back. I would not become a sad, helpless victim.
I. Would. Not.
A soft knock on the cabin’s newly fixed door startled me from my pep talk. I swiped my fingertips across my cheeks and blinked rapidly, hoping like hell I didn’t look like too much of a basket case to whoever was here to say goodbye.
“Wh—” My voice came out sounding scratchy, not that I’d be fooling anyone about my bravery at this rate. After a hearty cough, I swung the panel wide. “Can I help you?”
“Mrs. Gibson? I’m—uh—um—here to carry your bags out.” Christ, if this kid acted any more nervous, I would offer him some of Robert’s kitty tranquilizer. “Also, someone is waiting for you dockside. A gentleman. Just thought you’d want to know.”
“Thank you,” I said quietly. “I’ll be up in a few minutes.”
Through flared nostrils, I sucked in one final, fortifying breath of the precious air I had shared with Grant. It was time to leave, but I couldn’t bring myself to walk out the door. I wanted to throw myself on the floor and kick and scream and have a toddler-sized tantrum.
“Would you like me to wait, then?” the young deckhand asked. “The captain asked me to help you down the gangway if you needed it, ma’am.”
“Not necessary.” I forced a smile again. “But if you wouldn’t mind telling the gentleman on the dock that I just needed a minute and am on my way…”
“Of course.”
With a polite click, he shut the door again.
Seconds after that, I sank to my knees in the middle of the room.
“I can’t…do this.”
Only silence answered back. Not even Robert twitched, sound asleep in his portable bed.
“This wasn’t part of the deal, Twombley. You told me you’d be here to help!”
More silence.
“Grant. Damn it! I can’t do this. I can’t!”
Silence.
Taunting me. Tempting me.
So maybe I’d called the fucker’s bluff.
My hands trembled as I retrieved the smooth white matchbook from the hidden pocket inside my purse. Six dedicated soldiers still stood in my army. But that was all. Just six.
I rocked back on my heels, pulling my hair in desperation. Shit. Why was this so hard? Why did I keep fucking everything up? I knocked on the side of my head with the heel of my hand and instantly thought of Grant’s anguished face every time I’d given in to one of my dark episodes. I never remembered much from any of those visits in the shadows of my psyche, but emerging from them brought agony I couldn’t describe.
Grant had been there every time—with pain across his face that gutted me.
But maybe that’s why he wasn’t here now. Perhaps all of this was simply some elaborate setup to get rid of me. To be free of my fucked-to-shit drama.
“Enough!” I shouted aloud, battling another flood of self-loathing when Robert started and glowered out at me. “No,” I muttered to myself. “Just no. Not now. Just get your shit together, okay? You aren’t spinning out of control right now. You don’t have time for this crap. Grant needs you, so get your ass off this boat and get home.”
At least I knew when I left this room, all I had to do was survive a straight shot down the freeway to my house. No, wait. Maybe I could just go to Grant’s downtown condo. He’d shared the key with me one day after stating the obvious: it was much closer to the prep kitchen. But right now, I was thinking more about law enforcement offices, local and international, than the kitchen. I had no idea who had jurisdiction over an event like this, in waters hundreds of miles off the coast, but I’d be much more readily available for anyone and everyone who needed my help. The only issue would be not having Kendall. Christ. Where was my car? What made me think I could help save the man I loved from fucking pirates when I couldn’t even keep track of a Fiat?
Elijah swept me into his embrace the moment I reached the bottom of the angled plank.
“Thank you for coming. I didn’t know who else to call.”
“Don’t be ridiculous. I wouldn’t be anywhere else,” Elijah said before kissing both my cheeks. “Try to keep your voice down while we’re here though. You never know who may be feeding the press. So far, we’ve managed to keep it out of the media. Okay?” He made his greeting look so effortless when it was actually an opportunity to issue his advice about keeping our voices low.
“Right. Of course.” I nodded and then looked around with open curiosity. I wasn’t sure if Sebastian had come or if he was waiting to debrief at home behind closed doors. “For some reason, I expected Shark to be here with you.”
He looked boyish when he shrugged with more swagger than should be legal for one person. “Sorry to disappoint you.”
“You know what I meant,” I clarified. “But let’s get to the more important point.” I curled a taut hand around his forearm. “Tell me right now. Have you made any headway with finding him? Please, Elijah, I need some hope to hold on to.”
The look on my face had to be pitiful by the time I got the statement out, but there was nothing I could do to change it. Nothing I cared to do either. I needed the information more than I needed my next breath. If he thought I was going to delay the question as a breezy conversation filler once we hit the 405, he was thoroughly mistaken.
But Elijah came back with an answer—okay, a nonanswer—just as telling.
Grant’s handsome friend, appearing just as pleasant as the moment before, motioned to the bags on the ground around us. “Is this everything?”
Either the guy didn’t have a shred of an update to relay, or a change of subject was his desperate ploy to save himself from having to comfort a woman on the verge of tears. Either way, I got the hint. After hitching my big-girl panties a little higher, I turned in a full circle to take in all the luggage. Grant had left behind one bag, along with another that he’d originally packed for me. In a third suitcase were the souvenirs and gifts we had picked up in Hawaii. I held Robert’s carrier in one hand, but where was my handbag?