Hang on—she was the bastard. Her! Good God, what the hell was wrong with him?
“I’m going to call an ambulance,” Eve said.
“You bloody well aren’t,” Jacob snorted, then instantly regretted the snort. Could lungs be broken? His lungs were broken. “Ambulance,” he wheezed contemptuously. “What a fuss.”
“Jacob,” Mont said sternly, “don’t be a prick. You need medical attention.”
“I realize that,” Jacob said, “but there’s no need for an ambulance.” Waste of public resources. He was perfectly fit. There were people dying, for Christ’s sake. “I’ll drive myself.” He started to rise to his feet, but the world swung sideways and a gang of vicious pixies set fire to his skull. He was all charred and crumbling inside and he felt violently dizzy again. “Montrose’s going to drive me,” he corrected, and looked up at the man in question, studiously avoiding Eve. Everything would be a thousand times better if she wasn’t here, so he had decided to pretend she wasn’t. “Give us a hand, Mont.”
Mont gave a long-suffering sigh and knelt down, sliding an arm around Jacob’s back—which hurt like a motherfucker, but there was nothing to be done about that—and muttering “Hold on to me. Properly. I mean it, you bastard.”
“Yes, sir.” Jacob attempted to sound grudging or maybe indulgent, as opposed to pathetically grateful. In the end, he missed all of the above and simply sounded drunk.
As they staggered to their feet together, Eve fluttered around like an especially annoying, orange butterfly. “What shall I do?” she asked. “He’s driving you—what shall I do?”
“Disappear,” Jacob suggested wearily. “Down a well, maybe. Or up a mountain. Or to the moon.”
“Watch the cottage,” Mont said.
“What?” Jacob wasn’t sure who said it first—him or Eve.
“Well, I’m taking you to the hospital,” Mont scowled, “my sisters are working, and so’s your aunt Lucy. Looks like Eve’s all we’ve got.” He turned to the demoness in question. “We were looking for you, anyway, hoping to give you a trial, so here it is. Trial by fire. Tell all the guests what’s happened and wing it.”
Jacob wanted to tell Mont he’d lost his mind, but he was growing incredibly exhausted with every second they spent standing up, and the connection between his mouth and his brain seemed to have become dislodged at some point in the last few minutes. So all he could do was croak out, “But—serial killer—very sophisticated con woman—industry spy—she’s going to steal my complimentary organic shampoo provider.”
There was a startled pause before Mont said sadly, “Look what you’ve done to him.”
Eve winced and focused on Jacob, speaking as if to an infant. “I’m not a serial killer,” she told him slowly, “or . . . any of the other things you just said, whatever they were. But I am really, really, awfully, terribly sorry about hitting you with my car. And I promise I will look after your B&B as if it’s my very own.” Or at least, that’s what he thought he heard. It was hard to tell over the ringing in his ears.
Jacob tried to say, Take your promise and stick it up your arse, Madame Spy, but what came out was a raspy “Jesus, fuck, my head.”
And then the fuzziness got even fuzzier and Mont dragged him away, and Jacob . . . just sort of . . . went.
* * *
Warm and dry in the B&B, Eve could almost convince herself that the past twenty minutes had been a dream. Of course she hadn’t run over the most infuriating man alive! Of course he hadn’t been dragged off to the hospital by his best friend, leaving Eve behind to watch a goddamn bed-and-breakfast. Really, why not take things even further? Of course Eve hadn’t driven miles in a teary fit of pique before interviewing for the first job she came across as if that would solve all her problems! Because only a spoiled brat, or, alternatively, an adorable dog with a very tiny brain, would ever do such things, and Eve was surely neither.
Which didn’t explain why her jeans were still damp from kneeling beside Jacob’s crumpled form, why her hands were shaking something awful, or why she was currently standing nervous and alone in Castell Cottage’s welcoming foyer.
Well, shit sticks and fudgesicles.
Eve found a handily placed chaise longue by the stairs and summarily collapsed. She’d been aiming for an elegant lounge of the type Gigi might do, but her jeans were stiff and her frigid, fear-stricken bones were stiffer, so she ended up falling like a pile of bricks. The chaise was upholstered in burgundy silk that matched the Edwardian—or was it Victorian? Oh, who gave a shit—wallpaper and rugs. There were a lot of rugs in this high-ceilinged room, she noticed, as well as mahogany floors polished to a gleaming shine, and glowing wall sconces and various other things that said coziness and comfort and gravitas.
Was this really Jacob’s B&B, or did he just manage things? Only, she’d have taken him for a fan of cold, impersonal, modernist decor. Traditional vibes that she actually liked were not what Eve expected from the man.
He’d probably hired a decorator.
And she should probably stop thinking uncharitable thoughts about someone she’d just put in the hospital.
When Eve’s phone buzzed from her back pocket, she jolted in a manner that screamed guilty conscience. The vibration popped her bubble of shock, making her suddenly, uncomfortably aware that she was now responsible for the house in which she lounged. Better make a good show of it. Arsehole or not, Jacob did deserve to have his obvious B&B standards upheld. And she had said . . . She’d said . . .
I promise I will look after your B&B as if it’s my very own.
Which, in hindsight, had been a reckless promise to make. Already regretting her words, Eve huffed out a shaky breath and sat upright (in order to seem more commanding and less, er, collapsing). Unfortunately, regardless of her physical position, she was clearly incapable of looking after a damned flea. This morning alone, she’d failed at running away, failed at her first job interview, and failed at basic car safety. By the time Jacob returned she’d probably have set his roof on fire.
Rolling her lips between her teeth, she wiggled her still-vibrating phone from her pocket. It was set to Do Not Disturb, so someone must have called multiple times. The name FLORENCE LENNOX flashed up on the screen. Eve sighed, hesitated, then pressed Accept. In her experience, the best way to deal with Bad Feelings was to avoid facing them by any means necessary. Whatever Florence wanted would do wonderfully as a distraction.
“Hello?”
“Darling! There you are, I texted twice.”
“Twice?” Eve murmured. “Goodness. Please thank your fingers for their service.”
Florence released a waterfall of tinkling laughter, which was strange, since she never usually laughed at Eve’s jokes. In Florence’s circle, Eve was the Baker Friend—which meant they called her up when they needed event cakes, then invited her to whatever said event happened to be, as a form of payment. Following which, they gently ignored her until the next party.
Eve had a designated status in every friendship group she belonged to. That was how she managed to cling to the periphery of them all.