No matter how many ways he turned it over in his head, examining the morality of it from every angle, he couldn’t find a way to accept murder as a necessary evil.
“I’m sorry, Gunner. I just can’t.”
Gunner’s arm tightened around his shoulders briefly, convulsively, and then fell away from him.
Gunner stood up swiftly, silently, every inch a predator, and disappeared into the night, leaving Chas to sit alone on the sofa with his regrets and a dead man in the next room.
GUNNER EXHALED hard in frustration for at least the hundredth time. How could Chas do this to them? How could he ask him to choose between the only kind of career he knew and their love?
He and Chas had spent most of the night separately writing out statements for the police and being interrogated by the FBI after the agents had secured the Brentwood estate. A few dead Oshiro gang members’ bodies had been collected and the rest of the gangsters arrested. It had taken hours to clear the entire grounds of the estate, but eventually Mr. and Mrs. Brentwood, Poppy, and the nanny/bodyguard friend of Drago’s had been let out of the panic room. They were all spending the night at the Brentwood mansion under heavy FBI guard.
Gunner’s interrogators had made him start at the beginning, when he’d gotten that frantic phone call from a childhood friend begging for help, and had him walk them all the way through to clearing the house and killing the intruders.
The good news was initial forensics indicated that the weapons the Oshiro gang was using were the same types that had shot up all those people in Misty Falls. The FBI was inclined to be lenient with several ex-Spec Ops types who’d taken down the perpetrators of the Misty Falls massacre, and he, Spencer, and Drago had all been released around dawn.
The house was taped off as a crime scene, so they’d picked up Chas, piled in a truck, and driven to a local diner, where they’d ordered a mountain of food and dug into it.
Spencer and Drago put their heads together across the booth to discuss something in private, which left him and Chas sitting side by side in awkward silence.
Gunner muttered the one thought that had been on his mind ever since their disastrous talk last night. “How can you ask me to choose between you and my job? You know how much it means to me. It’s not just some nine-to-five gig for the paycheck, and you know that too.”
“It’s not that simple,” Chas ground out under his breath.
“Then explain it to me. For God’s sake, help me understand.”
“Tell me something, Gunner. If you had to choose between what you believe in most and me, could you do it?”
Dammit. “Depends on what you mean by ‘what you believe in most,’ I suppose.”
“The thing you believe in above all else. Your deepest, most closely held belief. For example, my deepest belief is that love is the answer to most of what’s wrong in the world today.”
“I have no idea what my deepest belief is,” he argued, frustrated. God, he hated having to dig around in his feelings as if they were some dead animal he was dissecting.
“Well, I know you believe in your teammates. They’re family to you, and you’d do anything for them, right?”
“Yeah.”
“Could you choose between letting your teammates die or letting me die?”
“That’s not fair. I’d try to save all of you.”
“Can you choose between a life with your SEAL family or with me?”
“I think I already have.”
“Could you give up being a soldier, being a warrior, for me?”
“It’s not that simple. It’s not as if I can unlearn all the things I know how to do. I’ll always be a warrior, whether you like it or not.”
“Could you quit killing?”
“I’d give that up forever in a heartbeat if my work allowed for it.”
“Does that mean you’re willing to go back to college, get that history degree, and settle down to teaching with me?” Chas pressed. “And never pick up a weapon again? Never harm anyone again?”
Gunner squeezed his eyes shut tightly and asked grimly, “Are you making that a condition of our continued relationship?”
“What if I were?”
“I asked first.”
It was Chas’s turn to sigh. “That’s what my heart wants. In my head, I don’t think it would be fair. I got into this relationship knowing who and what you are.”
Gunner exhaled hard. Again. Why couldn’t Chas understand what his career meant to him? He tried to explain. “Look. I love working with men like Spencer and Drago. It’s who I am. More to the point, it’s who I want to be. I like this version of myself. I’m strong, self-sufficient, and I can protect the people I care about.”
“I do understand the allure of all that. Believe me, I got picked on a lot more than you did as a kid. But I also grew up. I learned how to use my words to deflect most idiots and my fists to deflect the rest. I don’t need your protection. But I don’t condone killing people. That’s my line in the sand.”
“I hear you, Chas. I even believe you. But I still want to be able to look out for you.”
“At some point, you’re going to have to acknowledge that I’m an adult and can take care of myself.”
“It’s not about you. It’s who I am. SEALs are in the business of protecting lives. Of using violence when necessary to stop bad things from happening to innocent people. Violence is a tool, not an end in and of itself.”
“You’re splitting hairs,” Chas accused.
“They’re important damned hairs. They make the difference between me being the murderer you accuse me of being and an honorable warrior protecting his country and its people.”
“I’m not questioning your patriotism. Just your chosen methods for defending it.”
“Aren’t you splitting hairs by saying it’s okay to use some force, but it’s not okay to use lethal force?” Gunner accused.
Chas didn’t answer. He merely turned away, staring out the window of the diner in stony silence.
So that was it? They were over? Because Chas couldn’t wrap his head around what SEALs did and why? He refused to believe that they couldn’t find a way through this. The alternative panicked the living hell out of him. Gunner knew deep down in his gut that he would never love another man the way he loved Chas. And furthermore, he was pretty damned sure he would never find another man who loved him the way Chas did.
“You were happy enough to have my SEAL skills at your beck and call when you and Poppy were in trouble. Isn’t it a wee bit hypocritical to wring your hands and claim I’m being too violent now?”
“Pulling me out of a dangerous situation and killing people are two entirely different things!”
“No, Chas. They’re not,” he ground out. “I was prepared to kill anyone who tried to hurt you the night I came to Misty Falls. I was equally prepared not to kill anyone tonight if they didn’t escalate the situation enough to make it necessary.” He took a breath and continued more calmly, “Sometimes there are going to be jobs where the rules of engagement are to kill or be killed. But I promise you I never kill when it’s not absolutely necessary.”