"I can't move. I leased my apartment for the year. And I like it here. I just don't like the job."
"Then look for another job. It's a big city. You might be able to find something."
"Maybe, but it's not going to look good if I quit this job after only a few weeks. I feel like I have to stick it out for a year."
"Why do you hate it so much?"
"My boss. The partners. How they run the firm. It's all about money instead of what's right. That's not why I went into law."
"So what are you going to do? Be miserable until you can quit?"
"Probably."
"That sucks.
"Yeah, but at least at night I can come here. This is the best part of my day."
I laugh. "Yeah, right."
"It is." He looks at me. "It'd be even better if you didn't hide in the tent every night."
Why does he stay stuff like that? And why does he look at me that way? Like he thinks there's something between us? Okay, I know there's something between us, but I don't want there to be. I don't want to feel this way. It's too good. Too addictive. It makes me want more of him and that's the last thing I need. I've already done this once. I fell for a guy. Became addicted to how he made me feel. It made me careless. I didn't pay attention to what was going on and ended up on the streets.
I know Miles isn't Rob but I don't want to rely on him, or any guy, ever again. I need to get my life in order, on my own, before I can even consider a relationship again.
Miles tilts his head up, gazing up at the dark sky. He reaches over and takes my hand.
"What are you doing?" I ask, trying to pull away.
He holds on tighter. "It's dark."
"Yeah? So?"
"You know I get scared in the dark."
"That was a lie. You're not scared."
"Just go with it, okay?" He slides his fingers between mine and rests our joined hands on the arm of his chair. "This isn't so bad, is it?"
I don't answer, but the truth is, it's not bad. It's perfect. I love holding his hand. It's large and strong and his grip is just tight enough to make me feel safe, and I never feel safe in this alley, or on the streets. I haven't felt safe for months. Until I met Miles.
It's proof I can't trust myself. I shouldn't feel safe with a guy I've only known a few weeks. He could be hiding some deep dark secret, or be hoping I'll eventually give him sex in exchange for all the stuff he's bought me.
Knowing that's possible, I shouldn't trust him, and I shouldn't let him hold my hand. But I do, because now is one of the few times I've felt happy since being homeless. And I could use some happiness, even if it's just these few minutes sitting in the alley with a guy I don't really know but who seems to know me, and knows that this is just what I needed.
14
Miles
"How's the job?" Greg asks as I toss my laptop bag on the couch. It's Friday and I just got home from work.
"Still sucks." I go in the kitchen and grab a beer from the fridge. It's Friday and I could use a beer after the day I've had.
"What are you going to do?"
"Take it a day at a time and hope it gets better." I pop open the beer and take a swig.
"Why don't you look for other jobs?"
"I have, and I couldn't find anything. I don't want to talk about it. It's Friday and the last thing I want to think about is work." I go to the couch and sit down, putting my feet up. "How about you? How are things at the car dealership?"
"Good." He pauses. "I asked Kristen out."
"And? What'd she say?"
"We're going to dinner tonight. I'm picking her up at seven."
"Is this a friends thing or a date?"
"Not sure. I just asked if she was doing anything tonight and when she said she wasn't, I asked her to dinner."
"I'm sure she thinks it's a date."
"I doubt it. She hasn't given me any signs she likes me that way."
"Maybe she didn't think you were interested."
"How could she not know I was interested? I practically begged her to go out with me in high school."
"Yeah, but that was years ago."
"Trust me, she knows I'm interested. I get all nervous around her, just like I did in high school. I don't know how I'm going to make it through dinner. I'm already so nervous I'm sweating."
"Just relax. Think of tonight as two friends going out so there isn't so much pressure. If it ends up being more than that, great. If not, you'll find someone else."
"Yeah, I guess. So what are you doing tonight?"
"Not sure yet. The guys from work keep asking me to go out for a beer but I haven't done it yet."
"Why not?"
"Because they'll talk about work the whole time. They actually like the job so it's all they ever want to talk about."
"You need to meet a girl. What about the girl in your office building? The one who asked you out?"
"I didn't see her last week. I think she was on vacation."
"So you're just going to spend another Friday night alone? That's like four in a row now. What happened to you, man? You used to be the guy who had to be out every night and now you're not even going on out the weekends."
"I am. I'm just...never mind."
I haven't told Greg about Raine. I usually tell him everything but I've been putting off telling him about Raine because I know he'll tell me to stay away from her.
"What were you going to say?" he asks. "Are you dating someone and didn't tell me?"
I hesitate, then just say it. "I met a girl but we're not dating. We're taking things slow."
"When did you meet her?"
"A few weeks ago."
"A few weeks? Why didn't you tell me?"
"Because there's not much to tell. We went to dinner once, and got coffee, but other than that, we haven't really been out."
"Did you meet her at work?"
"No. She lives around here. I met her at the coffee shop near my apartment."
"So why don't you ask her out for tonight?"
"Because she'll turn me down. But I'll probably go over there later and hang out."
"You hang out with her but she doesn't want to go anywhere?"
"She doesn't want to date anyone right now. She's trying to figure things out. Find a job. She doesn't want to be in a relationship. But I really like her and I like hanging out with her."
"Miles, no offense, but I think the girl's trying to tell you she's not interested."
"She is. She just needs more time. It's complicated."
"You don't need complicated. Forget this girl and go find someone else."
"I don't want anyone else. I really like this girl. Her name is Raine and she's gorgeous. Dark hair. Dark eyes. And when she smiles, it's like the whole room lights up. And she's got a good heart. She takes care of this old lady, Gladys, like the woman was her grandma, even though she's only known her a few months. "